Investing In a Legacy

Today's guest blogger is Janet Mease. She is a mother of three grown children and a grandmother to three.

Last week, my husband and I had an appointment with our financial advisor. Rick is retiring next year and we needed to go over some of our options. Our regular advisor was ill, so another gentleman stepped in to assist us. After going over a few of his suggestions, he remarked that in making our choices, we would surely want to consider the amount of “legacy” that we would like to leave our children. Rick looked at me and then turned to the gentleman and said, “Sir, the legacy that we leave our children has nothing to do with money. Our legacy will be what we have instilled in them about God and His truth along with the moral values and ‘lessons learned’ that we have taught them over the years”.

Please understand, I am not saying that we don’t believe in leaving our children a monetary inheritance. We do have a family trust that will pass on any monies left after Rick and I are gone. What I am saying is that a legacy is not what you leave in your bank account when you die. We were discussing this on our drive home when Rick shared about a fellow employee who has never taken a family vacation. He told Rick that he felt he couldn’t afford vacations because any extra money had to be put in his retirement fund. This man’s goal was to build up ‘enough money’ so he could one day enjoy retirement with his family. In Matthew 6:19-20, the Bible talks about storing treasures in heaven and not here on earth where, “moth and rust destroy, and …thieves break in and steal.” The problem with this man’s goal was exactly what God’s Word says…a thief—our economy and market system—came in and “stole” his treasure. This man was also to soon retire but now feels he must continue working and rebuild his treasure. I feel saddened to think of all the wasted years and lost opportunities to invest in his family that this man had because of not knowing God’s truth.

When we shared with our son about what the advisor had said, he felt that this is a typical world’s view of legacies. He pointed out that he had colleagues who had never had any type of a relationship with their fathers. Their fathers had never invested time and energy in their lives, but had left them their money after their death. Daniel noted, “Did this make up for or replace what their fathers could have given them? Was this truly a legacy?”

My point to you is, do not sacrifice building relationships with your family now for future financial security. Start building a legacy with your children—take that family vacation today—it doesn’t have to be an expensive. Go camping in your backyard. Rick and I have always placed time with our family as a priority, setting aside special time away from stress and work—time for special talks, instilling our beliefs, expressing our love, sharing our thoughts on life, and passing on life lessons that God had taught us. Like investing, legacies are built by making small deposits throughout the lives of your children. Yet this investment always pays off, leaving your children with a legacy that will remain in their lives, hearts, and memories long after you and your money are gone.

Why Not?

Wendy Clark is the mom and teacher of three daughters, ages 15, 13, and 4. She and her husband have been married for 23 years and live in the Bay Area.

My mom tells of how she grew up in a home where her father never allowed any of the children to ever ask “why” about any decision that her parents made. “Because I’m the father, and I said so,” was a common refrain in their home. But this approach, instead of inspiring obedience, resulted in bitterness and rebellion in all of my mother’s three brothers. All walked away from their faith and from the values and morals they were taught at home. Out of four children, my mother was the only one who didn’t rebel and move off in her own direction.
As a result, my mom determined that she would take a different approach with her own children; she would be ready and willing to explain her decisions, and this is one of the things I most appreciate about my parents.
All the time I was growing up, my parents would tell us the reasons behind their decisions. Obviously, when we were very small, the explanations were simple like “That wouldn’t be safe,” or “That’s not the way a kind young woman behaves.” As we grew older, the explanations grew more detailed. “In order for you to have that kind of freedom, I need to be convinced that you have enough good judgment to make wise and safe decisions.”
It should be noted that it didn’t matter whether or not we agreed with the reasoning my parents gave us; we were never allowed to argue about it, but I can say this—knowing that my parents had thought about a decision enough to have and express a reason meant a lot to all of us kids.
As a parent I have done my best to carry on this tradition, and I’ve learned a few things along the way. For example, sometimes it would be easier to just say “no” without thinking about “why not?” It takes time and effort to think through a decision and determine whether a “yes” or a “no” is the better choice, especially as my older children move into their teens. I know parents who confess that they often say “no” to avoid having to consider the best course of action. To them “No” is the safe, no-risk position.
I’ve also learned that thinking through reasons sometimes makes me change my mind. Do I really want to say, “No, you can’t get a drink from the drinking fountain because I’m too lazy to walk over there with you”? If I’m going to be honest, sometimes I’m going to have to admit that there is really no good reason behind my first response.
Another really positive result of this approach is a lot of good conversation and teaching my children to think through why they make the choices that they do. By example, they have learned to think about “why” before they say “yes” or “no.” Don’t just choose a default position and stick to it. I’ve never accepted “I didn’t think” or “I didn’t know” as a reason for doing or not doing anything. Consequently, my children are pretty good critical thinkers and often wonder how some of their peers could have gotten themselves into such messes “without even thinking things through.” I have found that I actually say “yes” to my children much more often than the parents of my children’s friends, yet my children are confident, decisive, responsible, and trust worthy. They are always thinking, thinking, thinking about what is the best and wisest thing to do.
As a final note, I come from a large family, and my parents dealt with each of us kids as individuals. We didn’t all receive the same level of trust or responsibility at exactly the same age in our lives. My brother might have received a “no” where I got a “yes,” and the reason for the difference would have been clear to both of us—no guessing. My parents were known to be firm and unmovable in their decisions, and yet we all came away seeing Mom and Dad as reasonable and thoughtful, not whimsical in their decision making. We are all grown now, with families of our own, yet none of us rebelled against my parents or threw off the morals and values that we were taught growing up. Perhaps the key has something to do with balance—the balance between being an authority in your children’s lives and being thoughtful and loving in how you exercise that authority.

They Are All God’s Children

Today's guest blogger is Jaime DeCarlo!

I have been married to my wonderful, hard working husband, Ken, for over 7 years. We have a sixteen-year-old daughter and a fourteen-year-old son (his biological and mine by adoption) who are wonderful kids. November is National Adoption Awareness Month and our deep desire for more kids is heavy on my heart this week, so this is what my posting is about.

God is such an amazing God of miracles, and often does things completely opposite of how we would have! As soon as my husband and I decided to get married, we knew we would want to grow our family far beyond the two great kids we started with. We tried for five long years and endured many expensive procedures and finally gave up. We decided if God wouldn’t give us more biological children, it was time to move on to adoption. After a season of acceptance, we began looking into our options and decided to go through our county and become licensed fost-adopt parents. In order to adopt through any county you have to be willing to be foster parents while waiting for the case to move to possible adoption. After some tedious paperwork, a nine-week evening class, and a thorough home inspection, we were officially licensed last October, 2007. We were soon blessed with a phone call on Nov. 18, 2007 informing us that there was a two day old baby boy ready to come home with us! On November 20, we brought home our first foster baby--a healthy, happy little miracle boy! After seven months of loving this child as our own and each of us becoming attached, we were informed that he would be leaving us and going to live with a family member in less than two weeks. What a test of faith this was for us. I continually reminded myself that he was in God’s hands and it was meant to be, however, to be honest, I still struggled with anger, hurt, and many questions. Two days before that sweet baby left, I found out that God had provided us another one, only in a very different way. Beyond all odds and medical explanation, I was pregnant! Talk about mixed emotions! We continued on through the early summer missing “our” baby but hopeful for the one to come. Then another call came in early August. A three month old baby boy needed a home that was willing to adopt him! On August 11 of this year we brought home another sweet baby boy, only this guy was on a heart and breathing monitor, lots of medication, and in pain most of his waking hours. I don’t believe I ever slept that first night he was here. Within a month, this second baby was off of his monitors, gaining weight like crazy and off of almost all medication. Now it’s been over three months and he is as healthy, hearty and happy as any baby you’ve ever seen. The problem is, we got another one of those shocking calls last week and he will be leaving us, ironically, on November 18, 2oo8 (the one-year anniversary of our call for our first baby).

I am not writing this to discourage anyone from adopting, quite the opposite! My positive-minded husband has reminded me to focus, not on losing two babies in one year, but on the remarkable work God has done in our family this past year. These babies have helped us all bond and grow closer as we laugh and enjoy their accomplishments and see them thrive on security and unconditional love! Next week will be sad for our family, but our amazing God has shown us we can leave our door open to more foster babies and anxiously await the arrival of our birth-baby in 2009!

There is a great article in the September edition of Focus on the Family which states that there are approximately 127,000 children available for immediate adoption from the U.S foster care system. Let me be an encouragement to anyone considering either foster care or adoption, or both, the blessings of loving these sweet children far outweigh the heartache of possibly losing them. They are all God’s to begin with and we have faith that one day we will have our own adoption miracle!

Book Recommendation: A Treasury of Adoption Miracles by Karen Kingsbury

Dedication to my Father

Below is what I shared at my father's memorial service on Saturday. I wanted to share it with all of you.

I cannot adequately express the depth of love and admiration I had for my father. He was the most kind-hearted, tender and loving man I have ever met. He modeled for me what it meant to love unconditionally and to think of and sacrifice for others. We shared a very special bond. My dad has always been one of my biggest supporters and encouragers. He always believed in his daughters and brought out the best in us.

I really desired to say something today, but I wasn’t sure if I would be able to. I shared something this week that my dad had written to me with my Aunt Nita and she encouraged and inspired me to share that with you today.

A couple of months ago I created a website to help encourage and equip parents of young children. My mother and father would faithfully read it every time I posted something new on the site. My dad would send me emails filled with his thoughts and encouragement. Those emails meant so much to me. Here is the last email he wrote to me only a couple of weeks ago, the one my aunt wanted me to read to you.

Dear daughter, I’ve been around awhile and I have never known a person who wants to do good more than you. That desire and effort are at the heart of why I’m so proud of you. I think the Spirit moves you (in part through the example of your mother) AND you succeed in that desire. God uses you and His world needs you. Love, Dad

God used you, my dear father, in such a big way, in my life, my children’s lives and in many others as well. His world will not be the same without you. I will not be the same without you. I hope and pray that our family will be able to continue the beautiful legacy you created for us. I love you with all my heart.

Hurting

My dear father passed away unexpectedly Monday. He was only 63. This is such a devestating loss for our family. My father and I were very close. He was such a kind-hearted, loving father and grandfather. He modeled for me what it meant to love unconditionally and to sacrifice for others. Words cannot express the depth of love and respect I had for him. The pain is so great. I have never known anything like it. Cherish every moment you are able to with your loved ones. Don't wait to do or say things thinking you can do it another day -- you may not have another day.

My father was one of my biggest PPP supporters. He read every post and would email me with his thoughts and words of encouragement. I'm not sure, though, when I will be able to post again. Because of how I am feeling it might be a while. Hopefully I will still be able to send something out on Wednesdays. I have a number of friends who had committed to write something for Wednesdays.

I humbly ask for your prayers for my family as we struggle with our loss. Thank you greatly!

Letting Go

Guest Writer this Wednesday: Kim Ashbaugh

Brian and I have been happily married 18 years. For the first half of our marriage, I was a teacher and then a part-time children's textbook writer/editor. Since 1999, I have been a stay-at-home mom. We have three children--Julianne 15; Jamie, 13; and Jennie, 9. This is my tenth year homeschooling them.

I remember the first few weeks of parenting as if it were yesterday. Julianne couldn't do anything for herself. I had to feed her, change her diapers, put her down if she was sleepy, get her up when she awoke. When she sat in her swing, I was the one who put her there. When we went somewhere, it was I who buckled her into her carseat.As she grew, Julianne began to do more things for herself. She learned to go potty on the toilet instead of in her diaper. She was able to feed and dress herself. She could toddle into her room and choose which toys to play with, instead of sitting on a blanket with the toys I had put there.With these new freedoms came new responsibilities. Around the time she began to dress herself, I showed Julianne how to make her bed, and that responsibility became hers. Now that she could choose and play with certain toys, cleaning them up also became her responsibility. Soon after that, she started clearing her own place at the table after she was finished eating.It has been said that, as parents, our job is to "work ourselves out of a job." In other words, you gradually relinquish control over your children as they gain freedoms combined with responsibilities and grow into mature young adults, ready to take on the world. This doesn't happen overnight, which is why it is important to start slowly, and especially to balance freedom with responsibility. A child should never be given one without the other. And with each child, the circumstances will be different. If your son cannot get up on his own and be ready for school on time, then you must wake him up earlier. He has not earned the right to choose his own wake up time until he can balance that with the responsibility of getting to school promptly.This only gets more interesting with teenagers. I'll use my Julianne, now 15, as an example. A year or two ago, I told her she no longer had a bedtime. She could go to bed whenever she wanted, provided she didn't disturb other family members who were already in bed. I knew she was ready for this responsibility, and that if she chose to stay up too late, she would face the consequences of being tired the next day. I also knew she was mature enough to learn from those consequences. She now is usually in bed before her thirteen year old sister who does have a required bedtime! Julianne also has her driver's permit, and was ready to begin that next step. However, I do not feel she is ready to drive alone yet, and when her sixteenth birthday comes in a few months, she may not be allowed to get her license right away. I may require her to drive with us more before she obtains that next step of freedom. When she begins to drive in a manner that does not make me nervous, she will be allowed the freedom to get her license.Some things are non-negotiable. I don't care how mature my child is, she will never be allowed to attend a teenage party where alcohol is served or no parents are present. The opposite is also true. Never would I not allow her a reward when she has shown herself to be responsible. When all her homework is done for the day, and she has helped around the house, she can choose to watch some tv or chat with her friends on Facebook. If an activity comes up that is parent-chaperoned, I take her there. I would never want to frustrate her by making her take on responsibility with no freedom. My control over her life is gradually being relinquished and replaced by her responsible choices.It's important to maintain control over the critical areas such as drugs, alcohol, and safety, yet we must relinquish control of smaller things that our children may learn to make their own choices and accept responsibility for those choices. If you practice this, you may one day find yourself "worked out of a job," and facing a mature, responsible young adult in its place.

Wisdom is the principal thing

Wisdom is the principal thing. (Prov. 4:7)

"Real wisdom is basically knowing the right thing to do in every situation." Treasures of Wisdom by Richard Strauss

There are many decisions one needs to make as a parent. We desire to make ones that are best for our children. The Bible has general guidelines for us to follow such as the Ten Commandments, but it doesn't tell us things like when we should intervene in a difficult situation our children are facing, how many and which extracurricular activities, what age our child should start school and where, how to shepherd our child's heart. So many times it feels like I want to do what is right and best for Nathan and Rachel, but I don't know what that is. I try to remind myself of the verse where God promises to give wisdom to those who ask (James 1:5). I pray for and seek wisdom often.

These are some things I've learned about obtaining wisdom:

* Fear the Lord; it is the beginning of wisdom (Prov. 9:10)

* Know God's word; it is packed with wisdom we can apply to situations (Prov. 2:2)

* Pray, asking God for guidance and wisdom (Prov. 2:6)

* Seek godly counsel from others (Prov. 1:5; 19:20)

* Be teachable, open to constructive comments (Prov. 9:8-10)

* Walk with the wise (Prov. 13:20)

* Abide in Christ (John 15:7)

* Read Proverbs; it is filled with wisdom

Through wisdom a house is built, And by understanding it is established; By knowledge the rooms are filled With all precious and pleasant riches. (Prov. 24: 3-4)

I pray, dear fellow moms and dads, that we will seek to build our homes on wisdom. Because we are all human, we will make foolish decisions, we will rely on our own strength and knowledge, we will decide impulsively and based on emotions sometimes, but if our desire is to be wise and to make wise decisions I know that God will give us the wisdom we crave in parenting our children. Spending time with Him-- reading His word, praying and being still-- is key.