Guardians of Emotion

Author: Linda Wright
Our two-year-old son sat trapped in the bathtub. He was my prisoner. He listened to me rant and rave about his bad behavior. I was on a roll with my tongue. His little head was down and his hands softly played with the water.
“Is this how you plan to parent the son we gave you?”
The question came from nowhere. It had popped into my head. My spirit reacted with conviction. I looked up at the ceiling of the bathroom and whispered, “I am wrong Lord. Please forgive me for tearing my son apart with my words.”
While my son played in the bathroom, I knew I had a decision to make. I saw two roads before me. Did I want to return to my teen years and become the Queen of Sarcasm or one who spoke quietly? Did I want to trample on my children’s emotions or did I want to build them up to be what God planned them to be?
I whispered, “Lord, help me to parent your way.”
This led me on a quest to learn how to be the guardian of our children’s emotions. What I found became the vision for our family. “ Do not let any unwholesome word come out of your mouths but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen,” Ephesians 4:29. We memorized the verse and the following verses too. Every few years we looked up the meaning of the different words and talked about what each word meant. I would evaluate interactions based on this verse. Often I had to apologize for what I said.
One day, my son’s first grade teacher gave me a high compliment. She said he was the most emotionally mature child she has taught in years and that he wouldn’t have any problems with bullying or making good friends. I thanked God for making this passage real in our home. My son is a senior this year and she was right. He has sailed through the Benicia schools with never a problem and he has great friends. (If you hear any different, don’t tell me. Let me keep my paradise intact. Hopefully, the last two weeks of school will continue smoothly).
What are practical ways to use our tongue for good when we are in a tough situation? From some of the parenting books I read and conferences I attended, I gained some good advice. For example, driving in a car with three children has its challenges. Arguments abound and anger escalates. My first impulse – Keep driving, yell louder than them, throw my arm back and hope my hand comes into contact with flesh...
What I learned to do was to pull over and get quiet. If I had a book, I would read it. Gradually the noise stopped when they realized we weren’t at our destination and we were parked in a strange place.
“Mom, why did you stop here? Is the car broke?”
I loved this question. It meant I had their attention without saying a word. I quietly explained that I didn’t like how they were talking to each other. While they worked it out, I pretended to read.
Quickly they nicely finished their conversation and we continued our trip.
Several months later, when my husband was driving, the commotion began in the back seat. He talked loudly and they ignored him. I asked him to pull off the freeway. After my third request, he parked on a side street. By this time the kids immediately became quiet. They had been through this routine. My husband was amazed. After a few quiet words from him, we drove on and we had a nice time.
My mother taught my husband and me to respond to our children’s weird words with “I beg your pardon?” It seemed too simple. We gave it a try and it worked. With the question, raise your eyebrows and look puzzled. It made our children contemplate their words. They realized their own mistake and apologized. Parenting is a mixture of fast prayer, practical advice, and good acting.
At home, I often reacted with silence and a groan. A look often set them straight. Silence speaks loudly. When quiet, I spoke calmly, knowing that “the anger of man does not achieve the righteousness of God.” If I was angry this verse - James 1:20 calmed me down. I purposed never to discipline if I was angry. It was their heart and soul I wanted to reach in each encounter. Are their eyes soft with humility or hard with rebellion? Are they angry with me for the discipline or were they sorry for what they did? If they were angry, then our time wasn’t over with. I would come back again and again until I saw the softening. It was difficult yet rewarding.
Be a guardian of our children’s emotions. We only have them for one childhood. Our words speak life or death. Choose life each and every time.

Next Week's Author: Kate Bayless