Co-Parenting? Sign Me Up!

Author: Kate Bayless

This week a good friend sent me the following reflection that had been passed on to her by another friend.

“As a mom, I have an opportunity to bring out the best in my children. But it consistently means I have to bring out the best in me. I can't model impatient behavior and expect my kids to learn patience. I can't model a self-focused lifestyle and expect my kids to learn how to serve others. Nor can I model an ultra-busy schedule and expect my kids to find time for God in theirs.”

This really hit home for me this week. Nothing has been more convicting than to see my faults and flaws, sins and moments of weakness reflected back through my children. The “Let’s go, let’s go!” I hear my 3-year-old mutter from the backseat at cars stopped in front of us for a red light. A sighed “You’re making me frustrated” from my oldest to youngest son while they play together. This is my impatience, my anger that my children are reflecting, mimicking, and sadly, learning from my actions.

Being a parent has this added responsibility. Not only are my sins detrimental for me, but for the little offspring sponges that God has given me as well. Few things pain me more than thinking that I might be responsible for a bad habit, negative attitude, or ungodly response in my children.

But I have hope.

Show me your ways, O LORD,
teach me your paths;

guide me in your truth and teach me,
for you are God my Savior,
and my hope is in you all day long.

Good and upright is the LORD;
therefore he instructs sinners in his ways.

He guides the humble in what is right
and teaches them his way.

All the ways of the LORD are loving and faithful
for those who keep the demands of his covenant.
Psalms 25:4-5, 8-10

I don’t have to parent my children alone. God wants to parent my children with me. Every moment. Every day. Every tantrum. Every giggle. Every umpteenth spilled snack. Every kiss goodnight.

Co-sleeping? I’ll pass. Co-parenting with Christ? Sign me up.

I can do everything through him who gives me strength (Philippians 4:13).

Next Week's Author: Tyler Robbins

Am I Doing Enough?

Author: Jennifer Patchin

Jennifer Patchin has been married to her wonderful husband Kelly for 17 years. Kelly is the Pastor of New Harbor Community Church in Benicia, California. They have 4 wonderful children. Victoria is almost 16, Blake is 9, Isabel is almost 7 and Micah is almost 5. Jennifer has the privilege of being a full time stay at home mom and is starting the adventure of home schooling her 3 older children. She has a heart to encourage women as mothers and wives and especially in their relationship with God. She also has a burden for children with special needs and the special needs of their families.

Am I Doing Enough?
Helping our children to grow in love with Jesus & walk in His ways

I am always challenged by Deuteronomy 6:5-9:
“Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. These commandments that I give you today are to be upon your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates.”

I love the Lord and desire above all else that my children will love Him with all of their hearts. Yet I am constantly questioning whether I am doing enough. Or will all the times that I blow it outweigh the times that I am guiding and training them? I know that God looks at the heart and that is the battlefield that I need to be on, reaching my children’s hearts for the Lord. But how? When I look at the above verses it sounds so straight forward and easy and yet we all know that to keep God the focus in all that we do from the time we wake up to the time we go to bed can be very challenging. Then to communicate that to our children can be even harder. So with a little reservation that this may seem too basic or redundant I wanted to start a list of some things that we can do to help our children grow spiritually.

*Talk to your children about God!
When they are young take the opportunity to point out God’s creation and his majesty
through it.
Talk about how much God loves them and that he sent his son to die for them. God’s
love is unconditional.
Share with your children what God is teaching you or lessons you have learned about
God.
Ask your children what they are learning at church or what they think about God.
Learn to filter everything through spiritual eyes and help your children do the same.
God’s ways are not the same as our ways, but His ways are always best.

*Pray with and for your children!
Pray throughout the day, not just meals and bed time (although that is a good place to
start if you are not in the habit).
Pray when your child is struggling with something. Our children need to learn that they
cannot be good or overcome obstacles in their own strength. They need Jesus.
Pray on your way to school for their day, teachers, attitude, friends, and enemies.
Pray when you see a car accident, fire, or when you run in to someone having a bad day.
Praise God together when your child is doing well (having a good attitude, being kind,
helpful, etc.)
Teach your children to be aware of the needs of others and to pray for them.

Stormie Omartian says in her book, The Power of the Praying Parent
“When we show them that walking with God brings joy and fulfillment, not boredom and restriction, when we pray with and for them about everything, then our children will develop a hunger for the things of God. They will long for His ways, His Word and His presence.”

*Read God’s Word!
If your children are young read the Bible to them. Commit to read it every day.
If your children are old enough to read, encourage them to read the bible on their own
every day.
To teach your children the discipline of reading God’s Word every day will
become a habit as they grow. I watch my teenage daughter get up almost every
morning and spend time with God in prayer and bible study. Yes, we trained her to do
that when she was young and now she does it on her own because she understands her
need to be with Jesus.
A friend was just telling me an analogy that she was thinking about in regards to this. She shared that as far back as she can remember it was ingrained in her to wear her seat belt. She understood all the benefits of wearing her seat belt and the dangers of not. Now as an adult she can hardly even start the car without making sure her seat belt is fastened. Because she has been doing it her whole life it is a discipline. If this same emphasis had been put on reading her Bible and spending time with God every day, then these things might be easier disciplines for her today.
For young children a Children’s Story Bible is a good way to teach the stories of the Bible at their level.
There are also many devotional books for children that are short and simple. When they are young these are helpful to teach a biblical lesson that they can understand.

*Be an example!
We have all heard many times, “It in not what you say, it is what you do?”
We need to model with our lives a love for God and His word and His ways. That is the most effective way to reach the heart of our children.
Unfortunately many of the things that my children struggle with are the same things that I struggle with. They have learned my bad habits and sinful ways.
I pray they are also learning the positive things that I have to offer.
Children need for us to show them how to live.
It is not enough to say it, we have to do it.
We can’t just say “be kind to your sister” if we are not modeling kindness.
Check yourself and make sure that you are being the example that you want your children to follow.
Make sure that you are spending time before the throne of your Heavenly Father. He is the one that will give you strength and wisdom. As you love Him more and follow His ways it will pour out into your children.

Next week's author: Kate Bayless

Jelly Belly Woes

Author: Linda Wright (Linda, an African American, graduate of UCB Psychology Dept., spent 7 years on the staff of Campus Crusade for Christ, wife of one husband and mother of 3 children, one son and two daughters. Linda is a storyteller, writer of children's books and works with the second step program for elementary schools)

That fateful day started with a nice field trip to the Jelly Belly Factory. My three children and two other boys behaved beautifully or so I thought. This was my second week of taking care of children while their mother was at work. On the way home, one of the boys asked my daughter, “Would you like a pair of earrings?” My ears perked up. What earrings was he talking about? I was driving and couldn’t turn my head, but my daughter sounded happy. “Where did you get those earrings from?” I inquired. “The Jelly Belly Factory” the boy answered. “When did you buy them?” I asked. “When you went to the rest room with the girls.” MMM. Maybe he did buy them or maybe he didn’t. This didn’t sound right. When I came out of the bathroom, he wasn’t waiting by the restroom but was in the store with a strange look on his face. “God, please make this plain to me,” I silently prayed. “Would you like a pencil” he asked my son. “That’s cool ” My son replied. “Where did you get the pencil from?” I inquired. “The Jelly Belly Factory. I bought them with the earrings.” Over the next few minutes, the seven year old gave away a few more items. I left the freeway and parked the car so I could deal with this. He had no receipt and no bag. I quietly talked to him “Nothing bad is going to happen. I face the same temptation quite a bit. Tell me the truth. Did you take these from the store?” My children protested. I persisted. “Yes,” he confessed. I sighed. “My policy - we must return what’s taken from the store.” We returned to the Jelly Belly factory and tramped back into the store. I found the manager and explained the situation. The boy turned over the loot The manager gently reprimanded the boy. At lunch, the boy had more items from the Jelly Belly to share. This time he said his mother came to the Jelly Belly factory a month ago and bought these things. He assured me he didn’t take them. My children agreed. They thought I was terrible not to believe him. I was determined. This time I took him to a private corner and had him empty all his pockets, take his coat off and turn his sleeves inside out. With my camera, I took a picture of fourteen items besides the ones we had already returned. He assured me there were no more. He looked relieved. “Lord, now what do I do? My children are against me. The boy is holding to his story. “ Of course we returned to the Jelly Belly Factory and my children kept protesting. “Mom, his mother gave them to him.” They believed him and not me. The manager was amazed to see us again. She said these items weren’t on sale a month ago. This was new inventory, never seen in the store before. The boy confessed. My kids looked shocked. I felt sick. I was relieved that my instincts were correct. The boy had lied. My mother used to say stealing and lying went hand in hand. She was right on the money. We returned to my home and I kept a good watch on him for the rest of the day. When his mother came to the door, he began to be a bit strange and I put him on my lap and rocked him until he calmed down. His mother didn’t have much to say. I said this was the last day. You must find another care-taker. Frequently, our family discussed what had happened. I prayed for my son. These boys were in his class at school. I couldn’t separate them. I was concerned for what he would do with what had happened. Over the next few months, I began to notice that my son always had something in his hands he needed to return before we left the store. Next time he waited until the parking lot before he told me he had an item in his hand Each time, I made sure he apologized to the clerk when he returned it. Often I talked to him about his conscience and the importance of keeping it clear. It was a precious gift given to us by God. The Holy Spirit is the one who lets us know when we are right or wrong. We must listen to him. Jiminy Cricket in the movie Pinnochio represented Pinnochio’s conscience. That connection helped him understand the importance of keeping his conscience clear. After many incidence I asked him if he was thinking a lot about what happened at the Jelly Belly Factory. He said yes. I thought so because every time we went shopping you came out of the store with something. He nodded his head yes. The next time this happens, there would be a certain consequence. Discussion and returning the item to the clerk wasn’t enough of a deterrent. Sure enough, at Macy’s I tried on some jewelry. There was one piece of jewelry missing. Where was it? My son confessed it was at the bottom of the stroller. I was filled with grief and calmness. My duty was sure. This behavior must stop, NOW. At home we went to his room. “Never discipline in anger,” rang in my ear, “for the anger of man does not accomplish the righteousness of God.” The consequence was definite. The pain he felt was cleansing. He never had to apologize to a clerk again because he decided stealing was not for him. Afterwards, I trusted him to do the right thing inside stores. A bit of pain administered calmly, slowly and well placed goes swiftly to the core of the child. The goal of discipline is to reach a child’s heart and for them to respond with humility and experience, cleansing from the encounter. Yelling, name calling, anger, abuse, and shaming deeply hurt a child. I found that a couple of well placed swats on a hand with a wooden spoon accomplish healthy behaviors. A few children are wired differently and any discipline leaves them and their parent in a worse state of mind - wrath, fury and anger rather than humility. In that case a good talk with the child’s pediatrician should help. Doctors have lots of good resources. There wasn’t much I could do for the boy who stole from the Jelly Belly factory. I talked with him and reasoned. But his mother’s consequence was time out in his room. He really needed therapy with a psychologist. Seven years old was too young for such a defined habit of stealing and lying. After that, I never returned to child-care as a viable part time job. Once was enough.