Manners

Author: Kim Ashbaugh
Kim Ashbaugh is formerly an elementary school teacher and presently a homeschool mom of three daughters ages 16, 13 and 10. Her family has lived in Florida, California, and presently resides in Georgia. She loves chocolate, old movies, Jane Austen novels, and almost anything "old-fashioned." She appreciates modern technology but longs for the simpler days. Her highest priority after God is her husband and children, and after that she loves to minister to young moms


One day recently, as I was walking into a large retail store, a boy around age 9 held the door open for me. I thanked him as he looked at me proudly, knowing he had done the right thing (obviously taught by his parents or guardians to do so). Another day, my three daughters and I walked into a dentist’s office, signed in, and turned to face a crowded waiting room. Not one chair was available. As we made our way across the room to stand by the wall, several young men and boys, most with their mothers, looked right at us. Not one of them stood to offer us his seat. Worse, not one of the mothers encouraged her son to do so. These two events occurred within months of each other and in the same county. What was the difference between the first boy’s motivation to open the door and the second group’s complete indifference to offer their seats? I believe it was instruction in manners.

According to Webster’s Dictionary, manners are “social behavior with respect to standards; correct social behavior.” There was a time in our society when a man, young or old, would never have sat in a room when women were standing. Children were taught manners as readily as they were taught to read. Somewhere in the development of our wonderful nation, some of this has been forgotten. We focus on advanced education (a good thing), but neglect something as practical and straightforward as good manners. We cheer our children as they make goals, homeruns, and touchdowns, but neglect to encourage them to show preference to others.

One character trait of successful people is that they usually display excellent manners. Imagine a politician who belches loudly at a state dinner, or a businesswoman who is 30 minutes late to a meeting she called. It makes sense that good manners are a part of a successful life, whether that success is in business, politics, or one’s own family relationships.

What does it mean to have good manners? Having good manners simply means being thoughtful and putting others ahead of self. Jesus demonstrated this principle throughout the New Testament (the ultimate example being His death on the cross), and encouraged such behavior among his followers. When you practice good manners, you get the added benefit of an uplifted mood, whether from seeing the smile or hearing the “thank you” of the other person, or just knowing you made his day a little brighter. You also become the “salt and light” that Jesus talked about in Matthew 5:13-14, showing His love to the world.

How can we practice good manners? Maybe yours are also a little rusty (I have been known to leave my grocery cart in places other than the designated cart-return, interrupt my friends when they are talking to me, and fail to rsvp--just to name a few). Begin by making a list of three principles of good manners you would like to change, and work on them. (Example: I will put my cart in the cart return, I will let someone finish her sentence before responding, and I will call or e-mail the person whose party I just received an invitation to.) Your practice of good manners will be an example to your children, and they will follow suit.

Recently I observed my eldest daughter as she was making a purchase in a store. The clerk said the usual, “Hi, how are you?” and she responded “Good! How are you?” in the same warm, enthusiastic tone I usually use. My enthusiastic response to those who serve in our community is based on my own mother’s warm, friendly tone when dealing with people. A learned habit, it is a chain reaction that flows down through generations.

The following is a list of important practices that I consider good manners and have strived to teach my children (some I am still working on myself; others my children are still endeavoring to make into lifelong habits).

Table manners: chewing with mouth closed, saying “please” and “thank you,” keeping bodily functions private or at least saying “excuse me”, taking a reasonable portion of food, especially at potlucks and buffets
Other manners: being on time, letting the elderly or handicapped go first, boys giving up seats for ladies (or anyone for the elderly or handicapped), thinking before you speak, helping someone carrying a heavy load

These are just a few…I think it would be fun to see all your ideas in the comments section!

Book suggestion: George Washington’s Rules of Civility and Decent Behavior in Company and Conversation, written by our first President when he was 14. Some of the selections apply to his time period only, some are still true today, and some are downright funny!

Next week's author: Jaime DeCarlo

Hurt hand necessitates a postponed PPP post

Sending this out again. My husband reminded me not just "moms" read PPP. :) Because I sent this out quickly there were a couple of errors. :)

Hello wonderful parents/grandparents.

My friend Jeannine injured her hand so that is why there is no PPP post this week. Next week Kim Ashbaugh will be writing an article.

I pray that all of you have a blessed week and that you're able to spend some wonderful, quality time with your children.

Who am I?

Author: Melanie Robbins

I am struggling as a parent right now. I knew it was my turn to write for PPP. With all that is going on I thought - 'who am I to share anything to try to encourage or help equip?' I didn’t know what I had to share so I thought I would share with you my heart and my struggles.

Parenting has definitely gotten a lot harder for me as the kids have gotten older. When they were younger it was more physically demanding with meeting their needs: feeding, changing their diapers, bathing etc., but now it is much more psychologically demanding. It came more naturally for me to love, nurture and care for their physical needs than it is now to make countless decisions regarding their training and disciplining (and now education) throughout the day.

My heart’s true desire is to “train them up in the way they should go,” and I know the principles behind this, but HOW to go about it is not as clear. My two children are different, they have different struggles and they respond differently. When they are not obeying, showing respect, or being kind with their words, how should I respond? What are the words or actions I should take? What if they continued to struggle with the same thing? How do I not just deal with their behavior, but reach their heart? When my children are not getting along, I need patience, wisdom and discernment when I respond.

Overall I have truly enjoyed and feel we have benefited as a family from homeschooling, but this past week has been difficult. I work hard to prepare for school and when my children question or argue or complain or show disrespect, I am discouraged and disheartened. When you add them not getting along on top of that, I have felt at my wit’s end. I have to keep in mind that we were just coming back from 2 weeks of vacation and Daddy was away on business, but I confess that I started doubting this week. I started wondering whether or not I could do a good job of parenting and teaching them. I questioned the job I had done thus far in training them and reaching their heart. I also started seeing more and more things in myself that needed changing.

As their psychological and emotional needs have increased and as my children have started acting up more, I have struggled more with being harsh and getting angry. I get exasperated and I believe that my children do as well. I worry how my sin will impact them. I know that I need to model for them what I want for them, what God desires for them. I want to be able to be patient, respond calmly and use wisdom no matter what the situation – it just doesn’t always happen. I am pleading and asking God to help me.

I continue to ask His forgiveness and ask for help and trust in these promises to name a few:

"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me." (2 Cor. 12:9)

"I can do everything through him who gives me strength." (Philippians 4:13)

"Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight." (Prov. 3:5-6)

"If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him." (James 1:5)

“being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.” (Phil. 1:6)

Even though I am struggling as a parent, I know that God always loves me and my children and that He desires the best for us. Knowing this gives me comfort and confidence as I continue to strive with His help to be the parent He desires me to be.

Self-Control, aka Help your Kids Eat More Marshmallows

Author: Tyler Robbins
Tyler has been married to Mrs. PPP for 13 years, with son Nathan, 9 and daughter, Rachel, 8. In addition to serving as PPP technical support, Tyler works for an Internet company and serves as an Elder in New Harbor Community Church in Benicia, CA.

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I recently read a New Yorker article about a study conducted in the 60’s, in which they tested 4 year old children’s capacity for self-control. In the study, the child would be given a marshmallow and an offer: you can eat the marshmallow right now, or choose to wait a few minutes while the tester stepped out of the room, and when the tester returned the child could eat two marshmallows instead. Also, at any time the tester was out of the room, the child was free to ring a bell that was sitting on the desk, and the tester would quickly return and the child could eat the one marshmallow, forfeiting the second one.

The children handled the challenge differently. Some of the children would eat the marshmallow right away. Many more would employ various delay tactics – like covering their eyes, turning around, or even hiding under the desk. Some would even stare fixatedly on the treat, or hold it and stroke it like a treasured stuffed animal. Only 30 percent of the children were successfully able to resist for the entire time, about 15 minutes.

Years later, the researchers followed up on the hundreds of children tested, and discovered a very strong correlation between how the children fared at the marshmallow test and their subsequent behavioral, academic and later career and life success. Low delayers, the children who rang the bell quickly, had far more behavioral problems, struggled in stressful situations, and had more weight and drug problems. Further, children who waited the full 15 minutes scored, on average, 210 points higher on the SAT than the children who could wait only 30 seconds.

We and our children are growing up in a marshmallow world that feeds our desire for immediate gratification. It’s a world where our sensory natures can be fed immediately by just reaching for the remote, computer, portable gaming device or SmartPhone. We are too easily bored – we surround ourselves and our children with constant entertainment. Next time you go to a movie theater on a Friday or Saturday night, watch the teenagers who all have their cell phones out and are all staring at them. We are impatient. We get frustrated when fast food takes too long. Snail mail was too slow so we got fax and then eMail. eMail was too slow, and so now we have instant messaging and texting. While I am as guilty as anyone at for multi-tasking and expecting immediate results, this article reminded me how important it is to practice self-control in our lives, and to teach it to our children. God repeatedly implores us to have self-control. It is one of the indicators of the Holy Spirit in our lives (Gal 5:22-23), something both men and women are instructed to have (Titus 2), and in Titus 2:12 we learn that the Holy Spirit “teaches us to say “No” to ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright and godly lives in this present age.” Self-control is required not just to live healthy, successful lives, it is required to grow in our Christian faith and is one of the key indicators of the Holy Spirit’s influence in our lives.

I think it is fascinating that this early test of a child’s self-control ended up being a powerful predictor of that person’s success into adolescent and adult years. Clearly as adults we are not much better when it comes to resisting immediate gratification. Yet, I thought it was also exciting that a substantial subset of people that failed the marshmallow test as a 4-yr old also learned to become high-delayers as adults and had substantially improved their lives. How they did this remains the topic for future research, but I believe God does not let us settle for hopelessly giving in to every whim and temptation like a 4 year old. Instead, God gives us many methods and tools by which we can resist temptation:

Watch and Pray (Matt 26:41)

Know that God has provided a way out (1 Cor 10:13)

Flee from it (1 Cor 6:18, 1 Tim 6:11, 2 Tim 2:22)

Keep your eye on the goal and do not forfeit the bigger prize (1 Cor 3:8, 1 Cor 9:24)

It is especially important to practice these skills in the daily, little things. If we continuously choose immediate gratification, eating the dessert we don’t need, turning on the TV instead of opening our Bible, going out to eat because it’s just easier, we are practicing selfishness and lack of self-control many times a day. If we never practice resisting small temptations, how can we expect to react when it’s ‘game on’ and the real temptations come our way? And how can we learn to choose Godly self-control, when the reward is not even a second marshmallow, but something much more intangible like holiness?

As a parent, I want to model self-control for my children and help them learn to practice it daily. I also want to teach them the skills and reasoning behind patience. Again, I think it’s the daily little things where this must be practiced – helping them to refrain from the snack before dinner and learning they won't perish. Limiting their time on TV, computers, video games, etc, so that their minds continue to be creative without external input. Helping them to learn to save their money to buy something later for themselves or for someone else. We can talk to them about people they respect, whether it be relatives or sports stars, and explain the perseverance and self-control it took for them to get there. There are also daily examples we can point to of people failing because they could not exhibit self-control. We can even let them suffer the consequences of their own lack of self-control, be it failing a class or losing a friend, rather than punishing them ourselves or trying to step in and help solve it for them.

The distractions and temptations available to our children today mean we have to work harder than any generation of parents before to help teach our children self-control and perseverance. But if we can teach them these skills early in life, and model them as parents, our children can thrive in their lives and Christian faith.