Passionate Purposeful Parenting

Keeping the Son in your eyes

2010-03-03T13:21:00.000-08:00

Author: Sue Jones
Sue is a pastor’s wife, mother and grandmother. She lives in Tulare, CA with her husband Rich and three dogs. She has two married children so that makes four adult children and one brand new baby granddaughter. Sue has been involved in children’s ministry for over 25 years and holds children’s ministry as one her most important acts of service to the Lord. Sue also home schooled both her children through high school. Their church will soon complete their brand new building which started as a church plant in Tulare, CA in 1993.

And whatever you do, in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him. (Colossians 3:17)

As a parent, I wanted that verse to saturate and shape all my words, thoughts and actions regarding my interactions with my children. I not only wanted to share with them about Christ,
I wanted them to see Christ living through me. My desire was for them to see how wonderful Christ is and that to live our lives for Him was both pleasing and rewarding.

As wonderful as that ambition was, there was a problem: me. I found at times in parenting that the desire to be respected by others would get in the way. I would begin to wonder what others thought of me as a mother when they were around my children. If my children would ‘act up’ while in public, how would my response be perceived? If I immediately disciplined them would others think me too strict? If I ignored their behavior until we got home, would they think that I was a proponent of spare the rod and spoil the child? Additionally I struggled with what I had heard growing up as a young girl in the church: the worse kids in the church are the pastor’s kids! And now my children were pastor’s kids! I can’t begin to count how many times my children were disciplined for the ‘sake and approval’ of others.

I am so thankful for the grace of God that not only allowed me to perceive and experience victory over this wrong- headed thinking, but extended a covering protection to my children. To this day they can’t ever recall me parenting out of that approval perspective. I truly am humbled and thankful for God’s unmerited favor.

As a pastor’s wife and grandmother, I have talked with other younger mothers trekking along the same path that led me astray. The siren call of that misguided path has not disappeared. Its ugly shadow lurks in the background of my new role of grandmother, but I have tasted victory by applying the following principles.

Remember that ultimately there is only one whose words and assessment of well done, good and faithful servant that we should seek. So pray that God would reveal the motive(s) behind your thoughts, words and actions in parenting your children.

Love your children. Not because they give you some sort of significance among your peers, but because they are created in the image of God and God has blessed you with the role of helping them to discover how that looks and feels lived out. Love them because they are living reminders that in many parallel ways we too need nurture, guidance and provision to grow into maturity.

Enjoy the moment you and your children are in. For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven. Embrace it.

As an older Scott Wesley Brown song implored; Keep the Son in your eyes

Next Week's Author: Lynn Winters

Do my actions speak louder than my words?

2010-02-24T03:17:00.000-08:00

Author: Jennifer Patchin
Jennifer has been married to her wonderful husband Kelly for 17 years. Kelly is the Pastor of New Harbor Community Church in Benicia, California. They have 4 wonderful children. Victoria is 16, Blake is 10, Isabel is 7 and Micah is 5. Jennifer has the privilege of being a full time stay at home mom and is home schooling her 3 older children. She has a heart to encourage women as mothers and wives and especially in their relationship with God. She also has a burden for children with special needs and the special needs of their families.

My husband and I recently went on a date to the movies. As we were standing in line for our tickets there was a young couple with a baby in front of us. The man had on
a bright red ball cap that said in big letters I LOVE JESUS. I was encouraged by his bold statement and his shared love for our Savior. They ordered their tickets for a different movie than us and went in.

After we had been seated for a few minutes in the theatre this same couple came in and sat right in front of us. I was a little surprised as I had heard them purchase tickets for a different film. As the evening went on, this couple seemed to be oblivious to the fact that anyone else was in the theatre. They let the baby cry and covered the stroller with a blanket as to pretend we couldn’t hear her. They got up several times going in and out of the theatre. Each time, the man with the I LOVE JESUS cap, would stand up he would put his big puffy jacket on or off which would block both my husbands and mine view for a few seconds. I don’t even remember what movie we saw that night. But I remember this scenario all too well. I was thankful that we were the ones out of the dozen other people in the theatre that were sitting behind them and were most impacted by their behavior. Mostly, I was embarrassed that their actions did not reflect the message that the man wore so boldly on his head. As the lights came up and we exited the theatre I saw that this family had left a huge mess all around where they were sitting. This was one more thing that added to the problem that their actions did not reflect their words.

So as I left a little frustrated with the fact that Jesus’ name was shamed, God quickly brought my thoughts to my own actions. How often do I say boldly to my family that I LOVE JESUS? We talk about Jesus and the Bible and God’s will in our home all the time. I pray with my kids and we do family devotions and service projects. My children hear me talk about Jesus and following his way every day. I boldly wear the imaginary red cap. Yet they also hear me raise my voice and speak harshly. They hear me get easily irritated and show impatience. They hear me speak disrespectfully to their dad. They see me not be as gracious or tender hearted with others as Jesus would have me to be.

Do my actions speak louder than my words?

Do I say one thing but do another?

Do I live like others are watching, namely my children?

Do I put others before myself or are others blinded by my self focus?

Do I just try to cover up my short comings or sin and hope that it will go away, like the crying baby?

Do I leave a trail of destruction behind me with my careless words or lack of concern and respect for others?

Am I distraction for my children that they so clearly see me that they are not seeing Jesus clearly in me?

How about you? You can test yourself too. Think about the red cap upon your head as you go throughout your day. Do your actions match the message you proclaim. If not, don’t take off the hat, change your behavior. That starts with spending time with the only one who can change you from the inside out. As you daily fall in love with Jesus he will help you overcome those things that keep you from living fully for him. Then your outward action will declare what your heart desires to proclaim.

Next week's author: Sue Jones

A Guilty Mom

2010-02-17T07:34:00.000-08:00

Author: Linda Wright
(Linda is an African American woman and a graduate of UCB Psychology Department. She spent 7 years on the staff of Campus Crusade for Christ. She is the wife of one husband and mother of 3 teenagers, one son and two daughters. Linda is a storyteller, writer of unpublished children's books and a guidance aid for children with the Second Step program for elementary schools.)
What do you do when you’ve blown it as a mom? When guilt and shame tightly wraps around your trembling shoulders like a damp blanket of fog and creeps into the depth of your soul? It’s hard to shake it off. You feel tried, judged, and condemned by everyone but most deeply by self. I’ve been there. It hurts.
I should have realized something was wrong. How did I miss it? I already had two children ages three and five. At her two month check- up, my baby weighed less than at her birth weight of 6 pounds, 10 ounces. Now the doctor said she was 5 pounds and 10 ounces. How did a pound ease off her tiny body on my watch?
“Why I brought her in two weeks ago,” I protested. “The nurse practitioner said she was 8 pounds and 3 ounces. It’s impossible for her to drop from 8 pounds to 5 in two weeks! On that appointment, I had pointed out the hollows in her cheeks and chest and asked why her ribs clearly showed and the nurse practitioner said she looked perfectly fine to her.”
The Pediatrician quietly asked the nurse to bring in a bottle. I felt as if I was going to faint. As we talked the pediatrician gave my baby a bottle with 2 ounces of formula in it. It seemed she drank it empty in 2 seconds flat.
“I’m sorry Mrs. Wright, somehow the nurse practitioner made a big mistake. I think we got to your baby in time. Feed her 2 ounces every 2 hours around the clock. If you went home and pumped your milk you’ll get very little. Come back every two days for her weight to be checked.
I was devastated. I felt personally attacked in the core of my being – the very center of my womanhood and my ability to care for an infant. I burned with guilt and shame. Yet deep down inside of me I still wanted to nurse. I talked to the Pediatrician and to lactation consultants. I had heard that women, who never had been pregnant, can develop a limited milk supply for their adopted infants by using a rented hospital pump every 2 hours for a month.
Encouraged with this information, and armed with determination, I rented a hospital pump and used a supplemental nursing system (SNS) and formula to feed her. (Actually, the hospital paid for everything because it was one of their employees who weighed her wrong.) The doctor’s words were true. I had less than a teaspoon of milk after that first session with the pump. How could she survive on so little?
A SNS was a strange looking device that Moms hang around their neck and fill with formula or mother’s milk. Two tiny tubes taped to the breasts helps the baby nurse and keeps a steady flow of milk dripping into the corner of the baby’s mouth. It helps the infant stay interested in nursing at the same time making it simple to feed.
I loved and I hated that SNS. After three long days and nights, I was able to slow down the frequency of feedings, especially at night. My milk supply returned to normal after two weeks of pumping, but it took until she was 6 months old before she nursed without the SNS. I continued to use the pump because her sucking wasn’t strong enough to keep up my milk supply. It was a lot of work but it was so worth it. Every three hours, from 6 am to 9 pm, I pumped my milk. At night, it was the bottle. Thank God for bottles. Those feedings only took five minutes. Nursing took a good 20 minutes with that little girl.
My husband was a great encouragement to me. He never blamed me or acted like it was my problem. We were in this together. He took great care of our other two children. By this time our oldest was in kindergarten.
Daily, I meditated on verses in the Bible that talked about nursing. They became dear to my heart. Isaiah 66: 7-14 was my favorite, especially verse 11 – “That you may nurse and be satisfied with her comforting breasts, that you may suck and be delighted with her bountiful bosom.”
It did come to pass. At six months of age, my baby was able to nurse without the help of the SNS and bottles. She thrived and grew. She had academic problems from kindergarten through second grade that might have been due to her loss of weight and nutrition, but with help from the school’s resource center, good teachers, tutoring from Kumon Learning Center, and a well researched nutritional supplement, her academic achievements began to blossom in third grade. She also struggled with allergy problems and painful ears on airplanes. Even though she was hungry when she lost weight she was also happy. We called her the “happy to starve child”.
One La Leche League lactation consultant gave me a possible answer to our problem. Once she had one client with 6 children. Her first three nursed right after birth, but the rest had problems. After the fourth one had trouble nursing, she brought her SNS to the hospital for the last two births and used the hospital pump and the SNS for four months. She knew her last two babies would need the SNS right after birth. Her first three children had stretched her nipples until they were too large for newborns to latch onto. I received great comfort from this information.
Now I have compassion and real empathy for women who feel they have blown it with caring for their child. I understand their real feelings of remorse and pain. I am able to talk to them about overcoming their icky feelings. Jesus’ blood, shed on the cross, covers all our guilt and shame. He sets us free! In Romans 8: 1, I read “therefore there is now no condemnation for (Linda) who is in Christ Jesus.” It’s as if He said “I don’t condemn you, don’t condemn yourself. I have a purpose in all of this.”
Three and a half years later, I unpacked the SNS to let a friend borrow it. Her baby had an ear infection and didn’t want to nurse. But the SNS made nursing easy for screaming son. At age 3, my toddler saw me with it and said “that helped me get Nana.” She hadn’t seen it since she was 6 months old!
The following is a poem I wrote about my three children. Nana was our private nursing term.
Who Do I Nurse Next?
Here’s Emmanuel
After five days he latches on
It’s Nana time!

Here’s Kenya
Two to nurse as if they were twins
It’s Tandem Nursing Time!

Here’s Emmanuel
He is much older now
It’s weaning time!

Here’s Baby number three soon to be
Mama is too sore
Wow! Kenya understands!

Here’s Mama - free
Not one clinging to me
It’s no Nana time!

Here’s Karis
She can’t nurse,
It’s training time!

Here’s lost weight
A missing pound
Shame and guilt came sneaking around.

Here’s SNS, lactation consultants,
Tubes, tape and hospital pumps for
Four long months

Here’s weight gain
She nurses on her own!
Once again, it’s Nana time

Here comes Cookie Monster,
Dolls, Beanie babies and many more.
Karis declares “They must have Nana first!”

Here is one lucky Mom
Who learned to nurse and wean
One, two, three, and all!

Next Week's Author: Jennifer Patchin

Making Memories

2010-02-11T05:56:00.000-08:00

Author: Wendy Clark
Wendy and her husband have been married for 24 years and are the parents of three girls, ages 16, 14, and 5. As a family, they are learning together what it means to love and serve God and are making memories together in the San Francisco Bay Area.

In December my husband and I took our two teenage daughters to see Steller Kart (a Christian band) on their “Punk the Halls” tour. They were offering VIP tickets with a t-shirt for only $10 more than the not-so-VIP tickets, so we decided to go for the deal. Along with the free t-shirt we got to meet with the band before the concert, ask questions, take pictures, and “hang out.” There were only about 8-10 VIP’s, so we felt like V-VIP’s.
Not surprisingly, those fans age 16 and under asked different questions than those few of us over 16. The younger fans asked questions like, “How did you decide to follow your dream?” The older attendees asked questions like, “How long have you been on the road?” and, “When’s the last time you got to take a shower?” The answer to that last question was “three days,” which prompted a greasy-hair demonstration.
We had a great time with our daughters, and we did something very important—we made memories. And it didn’t cost us much. The tickets were pretty inexpensive, we had burgers for dinner, and we had to drive a bit to get there—all pretty cheap for something we are not likely to forget.
What memories are you making with your kids?
Memories don’t have to be expensive, but they do require something from you—time. If you find that you are too busy to spend some time just having fun with your kids, then you are too busy.
So . . . take a day to go and play in the snow. Ride bikes. Make a picnic lunch and head out for a drive and a hike. Have a movie night, eat popcorn, and watch something together. Play board games. Take a drive out to the beach. Explore an unfamiliar town. Try something new.
Plan. Be creative. Make it a priority to have fun together.
And make memories.

Next Week's Author: Linda Wright

Too Much Stuff

2010-02-03T21:38:00.000-08:00

Author: Jaime DeCarlo
Jaime is a proud mommy of several children, all who have come to her in ways she never would have imagined! Angela is her 23-year-old, married step-daughter, Shelly (17) and Kenneth Jr. (15) are her husband’s biological and her adopted children of 9 years, Emmalyn is her miracle baby of 1 year that was never supposed to be and Logan is her almost 2 year old foster-baby that has come and gone for the past 20 months!

As I am reminded of my turn to write for PPP, I regretfully realize I have forgotten another thing to do! “What is wrong with my mind?, I ask myself, feeling foolish!
I am typically a very organized person who is usually on time and honors commitments, but lately it’s been crazy around here! As I look at my “clutter table”, that’s been called so since Christmas, push around piles of magazines and unread ads and sort through hundreds of baby toys all over the house all day, I begin to realize part of the problem: we have TOO MUCH STUFF!

Lately I have noticed that the more family members, the more stuff you accumulate. Makes sense, but also makes for so much more to do each day and can easily become very overwhelming! I have been trying to have my teenagers go through all their closets and drawers more lately and it’s just amazing to see what comes out of their rooms! My son just cleaned out his toy box and he is sixteen years old! He had old shoes, soda cans, notebooks, candy, etc., unbelievable right, until I take inventory of my quite large walk-in closet where there is also old clothes, candy, and things like tape recorders, come on!!!

So, while my post may not seem extremely Biblical or parent-related, here’s how I see it. First of all, as Christians, we all know that we can’t take any of this stuff with us when we are gone, so having too much or being too tied to old stuff for sentimentality is really useless for the most part. Secondly, if I had less stuff to sort though, organize and clean, I would have more time to play with my babies and listen to my teenagers.

I am trying to give things away at every opportunity: to the library, Cancer Society, Good Will, Salvation Army, coat drives, even canned food drives! It feels so good to give and I never really miss it or wish I had it back! Also I am reminding myself that it’s not a sin to throw away that broken VCR or those worn out shoes from college sitting in the back of the closet. It feels good to get organized and frees me up to be a better, more patient mommy as well!

Next week's author: Wendy Clark

Manners

2010-01-27T06:22:00.000-08:00

Author: Kim Ashbaugh
Kim Ashbaugh is formerly an elementary school teacher and presently a homeschool mom of three daughters ages 16, 13 and 10. Her family has lived in Florida, California, and presently resides in Georgia. She loves chocolate, old movies, Jane Austen novels, and almost anything "old-fashioned." She appreciates modern technology but longs for the simpler days. Her highest priority after God is her husband and children, and after that she loves to minister to young moms

One day recently, as I was walking into a large retail store, a boy around age 9 held the door open for me. I thanked him as he looked at me proudly, knowing he had done the right thing (obviously taught by his parents or guardians to do so). Another day, my three daughters and I walked into a dentist’s office, signed in, and turned to face a crowded waiting room. Not one chair was available. As we made our way across the room to stand by the wall, several young men and boys, most with their mothers, looked right at us. Not one of them stood to offer us his seat. Worse, not one of the mothers encouraged her son to do so. These two events occurred within months of each other and in the same county. What was the difference between the first boy’s motivation to open the door and the second group’s complete indifference to offer their seats? I believe it was instruction in manners.

According to Webster’s Dictionary, manners are “social behavior with respect to standards; correct social behavior.” There was a time in our society when a man, young or old, would never have sat in a room when women were standing. Children were taught manners as readily as they were taught to read. Somewhere in the development of our wonderful nation, some of this has been forgotten. We focus on advanced education (a good thing), but neglect something as practical and straightforward as good manners. We cheer our children as they make goals, homeruns, and touchdowns, but neglect to encourage them to show preference to others.

One character trait of successful people is that they usually display excellent manners. Imagine a politician who belches loudly at a state dinner, or a businesswoman who is 30 minutes late to a meeting she called. It makes sense that good manners are a part of a successful life, whether that success is in business, politics, or one’s own family relationships.

What does it mean to have good manners? Having good manners simply means being thoughtful and putting others ahead of self. Jesus demonstrated this principle throughout the New Testament (the ultimate example being His death on the cross), and encouraged such behavior among his followers. When you practice good manners, you get the added benefit of an uplifted mood, whether from seeing the smile or hearing the “thank you” of the other person, or just knowing you made his day a little brighter. You also become the “salt and light” that Jesus talked about in Matthew 5:13-14, showing His love to the world.

How can we practice good manners? Maybe yours are also a little rusty (I have been known to leave my grocery cart in places other than the designated cart-return, interrupt my friends when they are talking to me, and fail to rsvp--just to name a few). Begin by making a list of three principles of good manners you would like to change, and work on them. (Example: I will put my cart in the cart return, I will let someone finish her sentence before responding, and I will call or e-mail the person whose party I just received an invitation to.) Your practice of good manners will be an example to your children, and they will follow suit.

Recently I observed my eldest daughter as she was making a purchase in a store. The clerk said the usual, “Hi, how are you?” and she responded “Good! How are you?” in the same warm, enthusiastic tone I usually use. My enthusiastic response to those who serve in our community is based on my own mother’s warm, friendly tone when dealing with people. A learned habit, it is a chain reaction that flows down through generations.

The following is a list of important practices that I consider good manners and have strived to teach my children (some I am still working on myself; others my children are still endeavoring to make into lifelong habits).

Table manners: chewing with mouth closed, saying “please” and “thank you,” keeping bodily functions private or at least saying “excuse me”, taking a reasonable portion of food, especially at potlucks and buffets
Other manners: being on time, letting the elderly or handicapped go first, boys giving up seats for ladies (or anyone for the elderly or handicapped), thinking before you speak, helping someone carrying a heavy load

These are just a few…I think it would be fun to see all your ideas in the comments section!

Book suggestion: George Washington’s Rules of Civility and Decent Behavior in Company and Conversation, written by our first President when he was 14. Some of the selections apply to his time period only, some are still true today, and some are downright funny!

Next week's author: Jaime DeCarlo

Hurt hand necessitates a postponed PPP post

2010-01-20T19:23:00.001-08:00

Sending this out again. My husband reminded me not just "moms" read PPP. :) Because I sent this out quickly there were a couple of errors. :)

Hello wonderful parents/grandparents.

My friend Jeannine injured her hand so that is why there is no PPP post this week. Next week Kim Ashbaugh will be writing an article.

I pray that all of you have a blessed week and that you're able to spend some wonderful, quality time with your children.

Who am I?

2010-01-13T10:35:00.000-08:00

Author: Melanie Robbins

I am struggling as a parent right now. I knew it was my turn to write for PPP. With all that is going on I thought - 'who am I to share anything to try to encourage or help equip?' I didn’t know what I had to share so I thought I would share with you my heart and my struggles.

Parenting has definitely gotten a lot harder for me as the kids have gotten older. When they were younger it was more physically demanding with meeting their needs: feeding, changing their diapers, bathing etc., but now it is much more psychologically demanding. It came more naturally for me to love, nurture and care for their physical needs than it is now to make countless decisions regarding their training and disciplining (and now education) throughout the day.

My heart’s true desire is to “train them up in the way they should go,” and I know the principles behind this, but HOW to go about it is not as clear. My two children are different, they have different struggles and they respond differently. When they are not obeying, showing respect, or being kind with their words, how should I respond? What are the words or actions I should take? What if they continued to struggle with the same thing? How do I not just deal with their behavior, but reach their heart? When my children are not getting along, I need patience, wisdom and discernment when I respond.

Overall I have truly enjoyed and feel we have benefited as a family from homeschooling, but this past week has been difficult. I work hard to prepare for school and when my children question or argue or complain or show disrespect, I am discouraged and disheartened. When you add them not getting along on top of that, I have felt at my wit’s end. I have to keep in mind that we were just coming back from 2 weeks of vacation and Daddy was away on business, but I confess that I started doubting this week. I started wondering whether or not I could do a good job of parenting and teaching them. I questioned the job I had done thus far in training them and reaching their heart. I also started seeing more and more things in myself that needed changing.

As their psychological and emotional needs have increased and as my children have started acting up more, I have struggled more with being harsh and getting angry. I get exasperated and I believe that my children do as well. I worry how my sin will impact them. I know that I need to model for them what I want for them, what God desires for them. I want to be able to be patient, respond calmly and use wisdom no matter what the situation – it just doesn’t always happen. I am pleading and asking God to help me.

I continue to ask His forgiveness and ask for help and trust in these promises to name a few:

"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me." (2 Cor. 12:9)

"I can do everything through him who gives me strength." (Philippians 4:13)

"Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight." (Prov. 3:5-6)

"If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him." (James 1:5)

“being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.” (Phil. 1:6)

Even though I am struggling as a parent, I know that God always loves me and my children and that He desires the best for us. Knowing this gives me comfort and confidence as I continue to strive with His help to be the parent He desires me to be.

Self-Control, aka Help your Kids Eat More Marshmallows

2010-01-06T00:00:00.000-08:00

Author: Tyler Robbins
Tyler has been married to Mrs. PPP for 13 years, with son Nathan, 9 and daughter, Rachel, 8. In addition to serving as PPP technical support, Tyler works for an Internet company and serves as an Elder in New Harbor Community Church in Benicia, CA.

--------------------

I recently read a New Yorker article about a study conducted in the 60’s, in which they tested 4 year old children’s capacity for self-control. In the study, the child would be given a marshmallow and an offer: you can eat the marshmallow right now, or choose to wait a few minutes while the tester stepped out of the room, and when the tester returned the child could eat two marshmallows instead. Also, at any time the tester was out of the room, the child was free to ring a bell that was sitting on the desk, and the tester would quickly return and the child could eat the one marshmallow, forfeiting the second one.

The children handled the challenge differently. Some of the children would eat the marshmallow right away. Many more would employ various delay tactics – like covering their eyes, turning around, or even hiding under the desk. Some would even stare fixatedly on the treat, or hold it and stroke it like a treasured stuffed animal. Only 30 percent of the children were successfully able to resist for the entire time, about 15 minutes.

Years later, the researchers followed up on the hundreds of children tested, and discovered a very strong correlation between how the children fared at the marshmallow test and their subsequent behavioral, academic and later career and life success. Low delayers, the children who rang the bell quickly, had far more behavioral problems, struggled in stressful situations, and had more weight and drug problems. Further, children who waited the full 15 minutes scored, on average, 210 points higher on the SAT than the children who could wait only 30 seconds.

We and our children are growing up in a marshmallow world that feeds our desire for immediate gratification. It’s a world where our sensory natures can be fed immediately by just reaching for the remote, computer, portable gaming device or SmartPhone. We are too easily bored – we surround ourselves and our children with constant entertainment. Next time you go to a movie theater on a Friday or Saturday night, watch the teenagers who all have their cell phones out and are all staring at them. We are impatient. We get frustrated when fast food takes too long. Snail mail was too slow so we got fax and then eMail. eMail was too slow, and so now we have instant messaging and texting. While I am as guilty as anyone at for multi-tasking and expecting immediate results, this article reminded me how important it is to practice self-control in our lives, and to teach it to our children. God repeatedly implores us to have self-control. It is one of the indicators of the Holy Spirit in our lives (Gal 5:22-23), something both men and women are instructed to have (Titus 2), and in Titus 2:12 we learn that the Holy Spirit “teaches us to say “No” to ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright and godly lives in this present age.” Self-control is required not just to live healthy, successful lives, it is required to grow in our Christian faith and is one of the key indicators of the Holy Spirit’s influence in our lives.

I think it is fascinating that this early test of a child’s self-control ended up being a powerful predictor of that person’s success into adolescent and adult years. Clearly as adults we are not much better when it comes to resisting immediate gratification. Yet, I thought it was also exciting that a substantial subset of people that failed the marshmallow test as a 4-yr old also learned to become high-delayers as adults and had substantially improved their lives. How they did this remains the topic for future research, but I believe God does not let us settle for hopelessly giving in to every whim and temptation like a 4 year old. Instead, God gives us many methods and tools by which we can resist temptation:

Watch and Pray (Matt 26:41)

Know that God has provided a way out (1 Cor 10:13)

Flee from it (1 Cor 6:18, 1 Tim 6:11, 2 Tim 2:22)

Keep your eye on the goal and do not forfeit the bigger prize (1 Cor 3:8, 1 Cor 9:24)

It is especially important to practice these skills in the daily, little things. If we continuously choose immediate gratification, eating the dessert we don’t need, turning on the TV instead of opening our Bible, going out to eat because it’s just easier, we are practicing selfishness and lack of self-control many times a day. If we never practice resisting small temptations, how can we expect to react when it’s ‘game on’ and the real temptations come our way? And how can we learn to choose Godly self-control, when the reward is not even a second marshmallow, but something much more intangible like holiness?

As a parent, I want to model self-control for my children and help them learn to practice it daily. I also want to teach them the skills and reasoning behind patience. Again, I think it’s the daily little things where this must be practiced – helping them to refrain from the snack before dinner and learning they won't perish. Limiting their time on TV, computers, video games, etc, so that their minds continue to be creative without external input. Helping them to learn to save their money to buy something later for themselves or for someone else. We can talk to them about people they respect, whether it be relatives or sports stars, and explain the perseverance and self-control it took for them to get there. There are also daily examples we can point to of people failing because they could not exhibit self-control. We can even let them suffer the consequences of their own lack of self-control, be it failing a class or losing a friend, rather than punishing them ourselves or trying to step in and help solve it for them.

The distractions and temptations available to our children today mean we have to work harder than any generation of parents before to help teach our children self-control and perseverance. But if we can teach them these skills early in life, and model them as parents, our children can thrive in their lives and Christian faith.

New Posts in the New Year

2009-12-20T20:58:00.000-08:00

Greetings Passionate Purposeful Parenting Readers,

I apologize for the lapse in posts. New posts will resume in the New Year. In the meantime I pray that all of you have a wonderful and blessed time with your families this Christmas and New Years. May you cherish the time and memories you make with your precious children.

Praying God's best for you as you seek to be passionate, purposeful parents.

Love Those Children

2009-11-12T00:00:00.000-08:00

Author: Lynn Winters

Lynn and her husband live in Benicia California and they attend New Harbor Community Church. Lynn has been married to her wonderful husband Roger for 33 amazing years. Enjoys cooking, quilting and reading. She and her entire family love the outdoors and boating. Lynn works full time outside the home. Has been involved in children, youth and women’s ministries for over 20 years. Her greatest treasures are her adult children Joni, Hans, RJ and Carrie and her very precious grandchildren, Justin 6, Abby 4, and Dalton 1. Passing on their Christian Heritage is one passion she and her Husband love to share with family and friends.

When Melanie first approached me about writing an article for PPP my first response was let me “pray” about it. Then my very next thought was “I couldn’t possibly have anything of value that PPP readers could learn from me.” I pondered a few other negative thoughts for a moment before the Holy Spirit nudged me with another thought. Are you kidding?? Look how much the Lord has done for you and how much mercy he has had on you! With that said, I am grateful to Melanie for giving me the opportunity to think about how much the Lord has done for me and how much mercy he continues to have on me past, present, and future and the same for you.

PPP to me is about passing on to others the wisdom and knowledge we’ve gained from God’s word, and sharing those experiences with others. I have shared each and every article with someone in my life. And have applied some very good teachings to my life because of PPP. I love to hear when someone I sent it to then sent it to someone else!

I have worked in children’s ministries for the last ten years as an Awanna leader and then Cubbie director. My own personal mission statement in working with children in any program has always been that the children feel loved and valued. I want them to know just how special they are and how much they are loved by God. That mission statement is active and alive in my own life with my three precious and beautiful grandchildren, Justin 6, Abby 4, and Roger Dalton 1. My prayer is that they continue to grow in the grace and knowledge of our Lord Jesus. That they truly know how much the Lord had done for them. So that one day they will tell others how much the Lord can do for them too.

In Cubbies we share the Gospel message. We teach God’s word with great stories from the Bible. We memorize scripture, play games, sing praise songs and do crafts. Prayer is always a part of that time too and I can’t tell you what a privilege it has been to pray with so many children. Over the years I have had quite a few cubbie parents pray with their children to receive Jesus Christ as their Lord and Savior while they were in Cubbies. Those children’s names are written in the book of Life and also written on my heart. I remember Nathan sharing with all of us at cubbies when he invited Jesus into his heart when he prayed with his Mom on July 6, 2004. He was very excited to share with me at cubbies what he and his mom prayed.

During their Cubbie time Blake, Rachel, and Rachel (we had three that year)
Isabel, Katy, Olivia, all asked Jesus into their hearts. My grandson Justin also prayed with his Mom, my daughter, to receive Jesus as his Lord and Savior in July of 2007. Last year, Malachi came into cubbies and proudly and loudly shared his testimony with all of us! In September 2009 I had the privilege of praying with my own sweet granddaughter Abby. She told me one night after cubbies that she wanted a new heart. When I asked her why she wanted a new heart she told me because hers had sin in it and it’s ugly. We prayed and she confessed her sins. She had a long list and wanted to tell Jesus everything. She then asked Jesus in to her heart and was very, very thankful she got a new heart.

Our children grow up so fast, and our time with them is so precious. Seize the opportunities to teach them to pray, and to remember how much the Lord has done for them! I use the prayer calendar every day and I laminate them and give them away as little gifts. I love to pray the word of God, just insert the name of who you are praying for. This is one of my favorite Prayers Eph. 3:14-21.

I am so grateful the Lord has allowed me to witness children making choices to follow Jesus.

Grandparent Inspired Parenting

2009-11-02T00:00:00.000-08:00

Author: Sue Jones
Sue is a pastor’s wife, mother and grandmother. She lives in Tulare, CA with her husband Rich and three dogs. She has two married children so that makes four adult children and one brand new baby granddaughter. Sue has been involved in children’s ministry for over 25 years and holds children’s ministry as one her most important acts of service to the Lord. Sue also home schooled both her children through high school. Their church will soon complete their brand new building which started as a church plant in Tulare, CA in 1993.

In my previous article, Celebrating Friendship, written with my best friend Lynn Winters, we wrote about the joy of lasting friendships established upon praying the Word of God. In that article it was mentioned that God had blessed us both with the privilege of being grandparents.

I have been asked by members of the congregation my husband pastors and by family members, what is the difference I have noticed between parenting and grand parenting?
It goes without saying that you can spoil your grandchildren and then send them home providing opportunities for your grown children to discover more about parenting and the necessity of prayer! (Once a mother always a mother!) No, there is something much simpler and more profound: dedicated time.

When my children were young I resolved to enter their world and gave myself to them through game playing, schooling, church, friends, etc. Although I found this very enjoyable, I still had to limit myself because of all the other ‘responsibilities’ to which I was engaged: wife, teacher, bill payer, homemaker, counselor to other mothers, etc. Even while engaged in interaction with my children these other ‘hats’ I wore continually called out to me.

I have noticed with grand parenting that this ‘tension’ is not so prevalent. I still have my responsibilities of wife, employment, bill payer, homemaker, counselor to other mothers, etc., but when I have the opportunity to be with my granddaughter, all those other roles fade into the background. She receives my focused attention. Grand parenting has impacted my husband as well. If our granddaughter is over and I don’t have dinner made, his attitude is so what. Time with our granddaughter takes precedence over our other activities. We will re-arrange our schedules so that we can be available for her.

I realize that we are able to provide this focused attention because she is not in our care full-time. So what we are able to do as grandparents is not realistic for parents. Yet I believe that there is one area that can be duplicated: focused attention. I believe that every parent can schedule focused time with their child where all other responsibilities can be relegated to the background. No clock watching, no task expectations, no operation on reserve energy. This is purposeful focused attention planned and prayed for. Block it out if need be on your calendar. Leave your house if necessary. Let nothing keep you from providing that unrushed focused time together.

Ecclesiastes 3:1 states: For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven (ESV) Let’s take advantage of the season of our children’s lives that the Lord has provided. Don’t wait until you are a grandparent to enjoy focused time.

Next Week's Author: Lynn Winters

Teaching Generosity

2009-10-28T00:00:00.000-07:00

Author: Jennifer Patchin

Jennifer Patchin has been married to her wonderful husband Kelly for 17 years. Kelly is the Pastor of New Harbor Community Church in Benicia, California. They have 4 wonderful children. Victoria is 16, Blake is 9, Isabel is 7 and Micah is 5. Jennifer has the privilege of being a full time stay at home mom and is home schooling her 3 older children. She has a heart to encourage women as mothers and wives and especially in their relationship with God. She also has a burden for children with special needs and the special needs of their families.

My husband just finished a 6 part sermon series on “Generosity, stewarding from the heart”. What does it really mean to be a generous person? I know many have been impacted by this teaching and are striving to be a more generous people. For generosity is not based on our circumstances or financial status. It is a debt of love and sacrifice of your heart. But, how do we teach our children to be generous?
We have to model generosity. Our children will not automatically be generous and they are not going to learn it in the world.
1 Timothy 6:18 says, “Command them to do good, to be rich in good deeds, and to be generous and willing to share.” Now this is Paul telling Timothy how to instruct other believers but we can apply this to our children too, especially if they are followers of Jesus.
We need to start with putting Jesus First!
By looking to the life and example of Jesus we see what it truly means to be generous.
2 Corinthians 8:9 “For you know the grace of our Lord Jesus Christ, that though he was rich, yet for your sake he became poor, so that you through his poverty might become rich.” Jesus gave up his position in heaven to come to earth and live in a human body with all its weakness and temptation so that he could live a life of perfect example and then sacrifice that life on a cross. Jesus came to give us life! He gives us full and abundant life here on earth if we follow his ways and he gives us eternal life in heaven, separated from death. Jesus is the essence of generosity.

Talk to you children about who Jesus is and how he lived. Do we live like Jesus and do we encourage our children to truly live like Jesus. Are we spending time with Jesus and do our children see it. Do they know it because we share with them what Jesus is teaching us or saying to us. Are we being transformed from being in the presence of our Savior that our children recognize him in us? As parents we are living examples to our children of who Jesus is.

If we truly believe Jesus if first then we will put others next with our actions. Romans 13:8 “Let no debt remain outstanding , except the continuing debt to love one another, for he who loves his fellowman has fulfilled the law.” Do we model for our children hearts that are others focused? Do we look for opportunity to do good for others and are we willing to be sacrificial with our time or do we only serve or help or give when we can squeeze it in. I have learned that in both loving Jesus and loving others I have to be intentional. I need to have a plan to live generously and I need to schedule it in to my life. I need to make my kids apart of that plan so that I am modeling for them what generosity looks like.

There are 3 areas the Bible tells us that we are to steward generously: time, money and talents. We need to identify these God-given talents and teach our children to use them to bring glory to God and to love others.

Time: We live in a culture that is very busy and we keep our children very busy. When our business does not allow any time to put others first we may need to reevaluate the schedule. Make time to do something for someone else as a family. You could make cookies for a neighbor or a meal for someone who is ill. You could visit someone who is lonely or shut in. Plan extra time at the grocery store or while you are running errands so you can listen to someone who wants to talk or put the cart back or help carry the groceries for someone else. Encourage your children when they are at school or on the ball field or in dance class to look for someone who is sad or left out or new and share some of their time with that person. One thing that helped our family is that at the dinner table we started asking, “What did you do today to show the love of Jesus?” This encouraged us to be purposeful each day and to look for opportunity to do good and be generous with our time.

Money: The Bible teaches us the principle of tithing and first fruit giving. This is a good place to start training your children with stewarding their money. But generous giving is above and beyond this. I realize many children do not have a lot of financial resources, however you can train them with what they do have. Lay out 50 pennies and show your child what a 10% tithe would look like. Then have your child show you what they think a generous giver would look like. Talking to our children about how much we have and how little so many people around the world have has helped us teach this principle to our own children. When they realize that most of the world makes less than $1 a day and that many children never know what it feels like to have their stomachs satisfied or never have a toy or a pair of shoes they start to have a heart for giving. We read as a family almost every morning about a different country and what the greatest needs are there. We pray for that country and for Jesus to be known. As my children see the great need and poverty throughout our world they become less focused on their own material or monetary desires.

Talents: Each child is unique and designed by God with God-given talents. Helping our children identify their abilities and talents at a young age will help them see and use them for God’s glory. Help your child to see that whatever they are good at is a gift from God and that they are only good at that because God allows it. We need to give God credit and use our talents to serve him and others. The younger our children are the harder it may be to identify their God-given talents. Encourage good character and point out their strengths and good choices in order to help them identify their talents. I have one child who is especially merciful. He is very aware of others hurt and tries to help, comfort or fix the problem. We identified this early and encourage him in this God-given ability. When he is showing mercy he is showing the heart of God. We tell him he has the gift of mercy because we want him to understand he also has a responsibility to use that gift from God for God’s glory and to be generous with it.

I would love to hear your ideas of how you help teach your children to be generous. We can learn from each other to raise up an army of Jesus followers that can impact and change the world with generous hearts. Keep up the good work!

Next Week's Author: Sue Jones

Lasts

2009-10-22T00:00:00.000-07:00

Author: Linda Wright

(Linda, an African American graduate of UCB Psychology Dept., spent seven years on the staff of Campus Crusade for Christ. Linda is a married mother of three teens, a storyteller, a writer of unpublished children's books and a counselor with the second step social program for elementary schools).

How many days go by and we don’t realize that this was the last? Our child suddenly doesn’t have the same needs. Several days go by and then we realize - hey, he hasn’t slept with his blankey or drank from a bottle or cried for his binky Mommy and I’ll never Mommy and I’ll never! What’s going on!? I missed the last time he did that!
Do you remember the last day your child suckled at your breast? The last day you carried your growing son on your bent and aching back? The last time you felt your child give you a real tight hug that says “I luv you Mommy and I’ll never let you go”? The last time you styled your daughter’s soft and beautiful hair? The last blessing your daughter wanted you to give to her? The last time your child invited you to read a great book aloud before bed? How about the last time you woke in the night and heard the running footsteps of your son run faster than the “monsters” lurking in the dark places in the house and sighed as he dove into your bed and safely squeezed in between hubby and you? Or the last time your child listened with glistening eyes to your every word and believed every thing you said about God with no hard questions asked?
In Karen Kingsbury’s her children’s book, Let Me Hold You Longer and in her adult book, Rejoice, from the Redemption series, (page 209), Karen shared about celebrating our last days if only we knew they were last. “Would I have taken pictures…if I’d known they were the last? Would I have marked the moments… if I’d known they were the last? Would I have stretched the moments… if I’d known they were the last?...I wish I could’ve frozen time, to hold on to your lasts…”
We’ve had a lot of lasts in this house. Two teens and one living in a college dorm leave us with lasts coming fast. Time is precious and slipping away. I’ve found that writing in a journal, marking my children’s passage from one season to another, gives me some comfort. Putting videos onto DVD’s makes me feel like the past is present. Another comforting thought - knowing the distant future holds many possibilities for more first and last moments: Jobs, marriage and grand children. (Very far in the future I hope!). The most comforting thought is finding gratitude. Throughout the day, I find myself thanking God for little moments and beautiful thoughts.
During the fall, God gives us a glorious look at lasts. Trees turn beautiful colors and brilliant leaves fall to the ground. The sunlight that pours into the house at this time of year is like no other time. We look back to the long, hot days of summer and know that winter’s cold is coming.
What did God feel as he looked at His only Son and experienced Jesus’ last moments as a baby, a boy, a young man, a leader, a dying criminal suffering on the cross? Twice he thundered from the heavens, “This is My beloved Son, in whom I am well-pleased.” (Mt. 3:17 and 17:5). The first, God spoke at Jesus’ baptism and the second, during His transfiguration.
We know what Jesus felt during his last night as a natural man on earth. He wanted his last moments to be special. That night was filled with truth talks, servant leadership training, and the first communion for the disciples but the last for Jesus. His disciples didn’t believe this was their last night with their beloved Lord. After Jesus’ death and resurrection, the disciples were often overcome with the strangeness of Jesus appearing out of no where, knowing that he had died and now was alive, able to walk through locked doors, and eat real food.
Lasts are coming and have come. Seasons come and seasons go, never to return. Life is fragile. Most children grow up and move away. Life goes on. Death beats its drum. At some point, pre- determined by God, that drum beats the last moment for each person on earth. Some hear the drum beat earlier than others. With Jesus as our Lord and Savior, death can not hold us but living forever with Jesus will last. Eternity is the absolute last last. Living in eternity is the most glorious last. Celebrate lasts.

Next Week's Author: Jennifer Patchin

Trained to Think

2009-10-14T18:00:00.000-07:00

Author: Wendy Clark

Wendy Clark has been married to her husband Roy for 23 years and has three daughters ages 16, 14, and 4. She homeschools her girls, teaches English at Napa Valley College, and is very involved in her church (Northgate Christian Fellowship) in Benicia, California. Visit her website: wendyclarkministries.com or email her: wendyclark@prodigy.net.

How do we know when to protect our kids and when to give them the tools to protect themselves? Obviously we need to do both, but when and how and where and at what age? Certainly we should protect our children from danger, from being mistreated or bullied; just as certainly, our children need to learn how to handle difficult and uncomfortable situations.

One mom has extended-family members who don’t share her religious beliefs and make that clear to this mom’s children. Should she protect them from these people? maybe and sometimes. On the other hand, her children will have to face people such as these their entire lives, and they will need skills that they should be learning now.

So stop and think: What do I want my children to do when faced with a situation like this one? Do I want them to avoid the situation completely (sometimes the answer is yes), or do I want them to manage the situation with strength and graciousness?

One way for us to teach our children how to handle difficult or uncomfortable situations is to talk to our children in advance about what to do. I come from a family that talked about most everything. There was seldom a time when I didn’t know my parents’ opinions or perspectives about how to handle a given situation.

For example, my mom is strongly opposed to séances, Ouija Boards, Tarot cards, and anything related to the Occult or contacting the dead. I know she is because when I was young, and an episode of “I Love Lucy” featured a pretend séance, my mom clearly communicated her disapproval and warned me to never play around with such things—not out of curiosity or just for fun or for any other reason. “There are some things,” she said, “that just aren’t worth trying.” That lesson carried over into many things for me, including smoking, drugs, drinking—all through my teen years, I reminded myself that there are some things that just aren’t worth trying.

Ironically, it was a Christian girl from a Christian school who went to church every Sunday and whose parents were leaders of our church and didn’t allow her to watch any TV shows about magic or witchcraft or related ideas, who tried to get a group of us girls to conduct a séance at an overnighter. Her mom might have had a similar perspective as my mom, but if so, she hadn’t communicated it clearly to her daughter, who seemed surprised that some of us thought it might not be a good idea. My mom had told me that if I were ever in that situation, I should suggest some other things to do and move things in a different direction, which is exactly what I did at the time.
My husband and I taught a high-school Sunday school class some years ago, and we were surprised by the number of church kids from church schools whose parents had never talked to them about problems and decisions that these kids were facing in their daily lives. Many of these kids saw their parents as unrealistic, uninvolved, and uninformed. They couldn’t imagine asking Mom or Dad what to do about the classmate’s parent who offered them alcohol or how to handle the student at school (yes, even a “Christian” school) who was making sexually-explicit remark or what to do when another student began spreading rumors about hem. They desperately needed guidance, but because their parents hadn’t cultivated open communication when their children were young, these kids now were detached from their parents when they needed them most.

Talk to your kids. Make sure that what you are passing on what you believe and value. Teach them how to think and use good judgment in making decisions. Teach them where to go for help and how to ask for help when they need it. Teach them when to stay and reason, and when to get out and get away. And start when they are young and are still looking up and listening to you.

Yes, they will still have to make their own decisions, and sometimes they will make poor choices, but don’t let those choices be because they didn’t have a time to think in advance about the right and wise thing to do. Don’t let those poor choices be because you never taught your children to stop and think and consider and choose. Protect your children when appropriate, and at the same time, work to give them the skills they will need to handle the difficult situations that they will most certainly face as they move into adulthood.

Next Week's Author: Linda Wright

It's All Yours God

2009-10-07T00:00:00.000-07:00

Author: Jaime DeCarlo

Jaime is a proud mommy of several children, all who have come to her in ways she never would have imagined! Angela is her 23-year-old, married step-daughter, Shelly (17) and Kenneth Jr. (15) are her husband’s biological and her adopted children of 9 years, Emmalyn is her miracle baby of 8-months that was never supposed to be and Logan is her 18-month-old foster-baby that has come and gone for the past 14 months!

Having just put down (for the third time) our precious foster-baby tonight, I am on the verge of tears and questioning God once again. Why was he returned to dysfunctional parents almost a year ago and then given back to us after 8 months? Why doesn’t the judge in our county understand how stable and secure he is in our home? Why did he just have an extended visit with his biological parents and come home so traumatized that he screamed himself to sleep in my arms tonight after we had finally gotten him into a great routine of going to sleep with little-to-no crying in the same room as our baby daughter?

Eleven months ago I was driving this same sweet foster baby boy, Logan, back to his birth parents “for good” and playing on the radio was Steven Curtis Chapman’s song, “It’s All Yours God.” That song helped me tremendously at the time, as this was the second foster baby boy in a row that we thought we’d be able to adopt and suddenly the tables turned on us. I constantly remind myself that all our kid’s are really God’s no matter how they come to us or for how long!
Shortly after that, we had our own baby (the miracle baby that we never thought we could have) and soon after she turned 6-months -old, we got a call from social services. Logan was back in “the system” and did we want to take him in again? Shocked and thrilled, we said “yes” instantly and he was back to us within 3 hours! That was almost two months ago and now we are awaiting a trial that could either leave him here or send him back into his former scary, dysfunctional lifestyle, and it’s harder than I could have ever imagined.

I must constantly remind myself of the fact that Logan is in God’s hands before the social workers, judges, lawyers, etc. This precious boy has flourished in our home under routine, consistency, love and joy in the past two months, but we may have to lift up our hands and let him go once again. Without God, this would be an impossible task, but thankfully, I know that it’s all His and I really have no control over what happens to any of my children whether they come to me by marriage, birth, adoption, or fostering!

I just encourage you, no matter what their ages or what trouble they may be giving you, to cherish your children every moment of every day and always remember that they are all God’s and He is free to give and take away as he sees fit. Find joy in today with your children!

Next Week's Author: Wendy Clark

What Really Matters

2009-09-30T00:00:00.000-07:00

Author: Kim Ashbaugh
Kim Ashbaugh is formerly an elementary school teacher and presently a homeschool mom of three daughters: Julianne, 16; Jamie, 13; and Jennie, 10. Her family has lived in Florida, California, and presently resides in Georgia. She loves chocolate, old movies, Jane Austen novels, and almost anything "old-fashioned." She appreciates modern technology but longs for the simpler days. Her highest priority after God is her husband and children, and after that she loves to minister to young moms

Three weeks ago, a horrible tragedy occurred in our community. One of the families from our homeschool group lost their dad. He was killed in an accident on the way to work.

With the shock of that event, I began to think..."What really matters?" Have I really invested my life as a spouse and parent in things that matter, or am I distracted with trivial things that count for nothing in the long run?

The man who was killed, Chuck, knew what really mattered. As his 15-year old son grieved the loss of his dad, it was the loss of a companion, a buddy, an instructor... not some distant person he had very little contact with.

What made Chuck a good dad was, first of all, that he was faithful to his spouse. He loved her through good times and bad, and stayed married to her. I do not know all the details, but I am sure not all their times together were blissful. Yet he remained with his wife, giving security to her and his children.

Chuck was a good provider, a responsible worker. He was on his way to work when he died, a job he went to over and over, week in, week out. It was not necessarily an extremely fulfilling career, but Chuck went everyday, in order to bless his family with a regular paycheck so they might have what they needed. The flip side of that was that Chuck did not work excessive overtime or strive for unlimited wealth. That would have required him to be away from his family too often. He may have also understood that "riches certainly make themselves wings; they fly away as an eagle toward heaven."

The final aspect of Chuck's life that struck me was his relationship with his son. Yes, Chuck was the dad and therefore held a position of disciplinarian, but he also enjoyed his son, spending time just the two of them. When my husband met Chuck, they were in a group of parents and teens attending a contemporary Christian band concert. Chuck had taken time out from his schedule to attend the event with his son, and they had ridden there together on Chuck's motorcycle. They must have ridden that motorcycle together at other times, just Dad and son, enjoying their time together.
Thankfully, Chuck was a believer in Jesus Christ; therefore, his family has the assurance of seeing him again one day in heaven. But while they are still on this earth, Chuck's wife and son will treasure the good memories they have of him... memories that are possible because Chuck knew what really mattered.

Next Week's Author: Jaime DeCarlo

Parent on Patrol

2009-09-23T00:00:00.000-07:00

Author: Jeanine Cook
Jeanine Cook has been happily married to her husband Jeremy for 17 yrs. They have three children Dylan 14, Jericho 9 ½ and Gentry 8. They live in Concord, CA and minister at Concord Bible Church where Jeremy has the privilege of serving as Senior Pastor while Jeanine serves on the women’s ministry team. She is a seamstress by trade but her greatest joy is being a child of God, a mother and a wife!

I was recently reminded of how terribly concerned I would be any time one of my children began to struggle in an area of behavior. I was quick to panic and become concerned that if, for instance, they were struggling with lying that they would always be a liar or if they were being short tempered that they were always going to struggle with anger. Worry would spur on these thoughts to the point of sure anxiety and fretfulness. It took the encouragement of the Spirit and some older moms to talk me down off the roof top. I needed to focus on my role in their struggles , not become consumed by their sin itself and where it might take them if unchecked.

My first job is to consider my Helper, the Lord, and what is possible in His strength Phillipians 4:13, “ I can do all things thru Him who strengthens me”. Secondly, I needed to be honest with myself and my child. I was to call their sin , sin and meet it with appropriate attitude, consequence and with a heart of restoration. My role is not that dissimilar to that of a police officer. When he or she begins their work day they are fully aware of the fact that they are going to encounter individuals throughout the day that are breaking the law. The officers job is to pull that individual over and discuss the matter. The first question is, “Do you know what you were doing that was wrong?”. The offender is given the opportunity to respond. The officer makes clear what the infraction was and then calmly (hopefully) issues the consequence. The offender signs the ticket acknowledging the conversation and receives the consequence, hopefully without arguing. If there is arguing , that is addressed as well. The point is that it is the officers job to stop the offender, state the rules again (make sure your rules are clear as well as consequences before the infraction) , and issue a consequence. We are to be calm and to be clear and to be consistent.

Proverbs 19:18 “Discipline your son while there is still hope.”. We need to be willing to stop what we are doing and to show love to our children by disciplining them, “God disciplines those whom He loves.”Hebrews 12:6. Verse 10 of the same chapter goes on to say that He disciplines us for our good, that we may share in His holiness. Proverbs 6:20-23 Make it very clear that a son is to bind the teachings and commandments of a mother and father on their heart,” When you walk about they will guide you; when you sleep they will watch over you; And when you awake, they will talk to you. For the commandment is a lamp and the teaching is a light ;And reproofs for discipline are the way of life.” Love your child by disciplining and training them in righteousness.

It is important that we be careful how we speak. Proverbs 16: 21 says, “ sweetness of speech increases persuasiveness.” Use your words carefully and don’t shame them. You want to implore them to avoid sin, that requires gracious, firm speech. If our words are harsh they are more likely to now be aware of your sin and their hurt feelings than of their own sin.

Don’t be surprised if you revisit areas of behavior that you thought they had over come. We too have relapses. Don’t dismiss it either. Simply address their sin consistently. Be careful not to exasperate them. We need to work an area or two at a time, not every area of sin at once. That is not how God works with us. But when He does show us something we are to respond in obedience. I even encourage you to pray that the Lord reveals your child’s sin to you so that it can be addressed now rather than later when they are more entrenched by their sin.

When my children were younger, when they got up in the morning we would discuss what area we we’re going to work on. For example, “Hey Dylan,I am so glad to see you this morning!! Hey Buddy, today we are going to work on having a great attitude when mom asks you to do something , okay. You’re going to look at me when I talk to you and when I am done telling you what you need to do, you are going to say Yes mom with a happy heart okay?.” Sometimes we would even practice a few times before we started our day. We would pray for God’s help and then get on with the day.

The key in parenting is and will always be dependence on the Holy Spirit to know what to address, how to address it and to follow through with the consequences in a godly fashion not in anger or without self control. Be encouraged. God is our strength and He can guide us through all that we will encounter with our children. Be sure to show your children in the scriptures verses that apply to their sin and give them a verse addressing what righteous act they are to replace their sinful act with ie lying/honesty, anger/patience and self control,etc.. God is good to tell us not just what to stop doing but also what good things to replace the sin with.

Don’t be surprised by your children’s sin. Like the officer know it is a going to happen and be consistent in addressing it calmly, clearly with a predetermined, previously discussed consequence. Start your day with a prayer that you can be the parent to your children that He is to you!

Next week's Author: Kim Ashbaugh

Why I Am Loving Homeschooling

2009-09-16T00:00:00.000-07:00

Is it time yet? Can we start school now? The first day of school my children were so excited to start homeschooling (we had been talking about it since last school year) that they were ready to start school by 8:20. They had already showered, done their quiet time, completed morning chores, ate breakfast and had devotion with mom. We were all raring to go! There had been a lot of build up (and much preparation by mom). I wondered if we would all feel the same way after a couple of weeks.

This is our second week and I can honestly say that I love homeschooling my two children. I thought I would share with you a glimpse into what homeschooling has been like and why I am really enjoying it.

I have so much more quality time with my children to train and enjoy them. In the mornings we don't feel rushed AND we are having devotional time (currently we are studying the 10 commandments) and praying for others. We tried to do this when we attended public school last year, but it always seemed rushed if and when we did do it. Our mission as a family is to love God and love others. Homeschooling has given us the opportunity to do both better. One benefit has been that we are spending more time with God individually and as a family, integrating Him into every part of our day (schooling included). Our theme verse for school this year is Colossians 3; 23-24. "Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men, since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving." Our first class rule is to do our best for the Lord. In Science this year we are using "Considering God's Creation" curriculum. The whole year we will be studying different parts of God's creation.

As a family, we also feel it is important to love others. With homeschooling comes more flexibility, time and freedom during your week. We were able to bake brownies and give cards to our neighbors this past week and we've written letters to Grandparents as well. These were things we wanted to do before, but with school, homework, and activities, it was sometimes challenging to find the time. There will be many more opportunities to love and serve others and, because we can be very efficient with our time during the school days, we have time during the week to reach out to others.

A few other reasons I enjoy homeschooling:

*They spend time with other adults who will influence their lives in a positive way (Daddy is teaching them technology, Grandma is teaching art and music, my dear friend is teaching them Social Studies etc.)

* Being the one who is teaching my children, I can challenge them and tailor school more to their interests and learning styles as well as provide immediate feedback. I also have control over what is taught.

* I love the extra time down time I have with the kids -- reading, talking etc.

Don't get me wrong, there are some downsides to homeschooling such as trying to juggle being their full-time teacher, mom, and the homemaker etc. Most days I am working from the time I get up to the time I go to bed (which is later now 10:30 or 11:00 compared to 9:30 or 10 before homeschooling). I miss the students, teachers and parents at the school. Although my kids have not said anything about missing school yet, I know they miss their friends. I have less time and energy to do things outside of the school day, such as get together with friends, work on PPP ;), etc.

In my opinion, though, homeschooling is definitely worth it. I know there will be times where I may not feel this way, but I am confident that I am doing what God would want me to do for my children. I know, too, that we are all benefiting as a result of our decision to home school.

Next Week's Author: Jeannine Cook

PPP: Puppies, Poopies, and Punishment

2009-09-09T00:00:00.000-07:00

Author: Tyler Robbins
Tyler has been married to Mrs. PPP for 13 years, with son Nathan, 9 and daughter, Rachel, 7. In addition to serving as PPP technical support, Tyler works for an Internet company and serves as an Elder in New Harbor Community Church in Benicia, CA.

Six months ago my wife and I had a brief moment of insanity, adopting two mischievous, hyper, un-housebroken puppies into our home. At the same time, I was starting a new job, so there would be little time to do any meaningful behavior training, though I suspect more time would not have made this story go much differently.

The puppies, I’ll call them Chewy and Poopy to protect the guilty, first showed appreciation for their new home by christening every room countless times with a combination of poop, pee, diarrhea, and vomit, and possibly all four at once by the look and smell of it. Meanwhile, they decided that our spacious backyard was not enough, and repeatedly scaled our 6’ fence in order to meet the neighbors, the neighbors’ cat, and most importantly, the neighbors’ cat food. Usually, the trip was short, and before we even knew they got out would show up at our front door ready to start the game over again. That is except the time they roamed the neighborhood for a couple of hours before finally being rounded up by the local police. I had to go downtown, shamefully identify my dogs, and bail them out of puppy jail. I had a half a mind to leave them there overnight and let them consider the consequences of their actions.

Behavior-wise, that was relatively mild compared to the myriad of items they have chewed up or destroyed in our house and the backyard. They started unimaginatively chewing shoes and slippers, but soon graduated to gnawing holes in the baseboards and door trim. They mulched two large books, scattering fragments of the pages to the four corners of our yard. The chewed holes in a BBQ cover, patio chair, and even our trampoline. They seemed to take particular delight in completely upending and emptying 10 large flower pots we had planted with fresh flowers that same day.

Needless to say, I have been thinking a lot about ‘punishment’ the last few months. What options, humanitarian or otherwise, did I have at my disposal? Other than making me feel better, would yelling ‘NO!’ or swatting them on the hindquarters really accomplish much? How do you train a creature that so clearly has an unrepentant sin nature to behave differently? And how much punishment is too little, or in this case, too much?

Luckily, I’ve had no shortage of teachable moments to work all of this out. Early on I recalled an important lesson a dog trainer taught me years ago with our first dog. He used a training collar (the ones with the blunt spikes), and during training sessions would encourage me to really give it a firm tug when the dog didn’t follow a command. He said some people have a hard time with training collars because they don’t want to hurt the dog, so they just mildly pull at it to no effect. He asked a question I always remember – what’s more cruel to a dog – a few painful corrections early on that quickly teach them to obey, or hundreds of mildly uncomfortable corrections which never quite have the same effect? His point was to take quick and decisive action against wrong behavior, rather than poorly dealing with it over a long period of time.

Also, I wondered how long after the crime was committed could I hand down the punishment? I don’t know how much dogs remember, but I imagine it was hard for them to figure out why I was yelling at them for laying there peacefully, hours after inflicting their damage. The punishment also had to be straightforward. it was clear pretty early on that dogs have no concept of the silent treatment. I was not going to guilt them into behaving.

Also, when they misbehaved, I had to figure out what my motives were in the punishment? Although I selfishly wanted to punish them simply for being bad, I knew my main goal was to prevent it from happening in the future. My punishment had to be purposeful, with the goal of them learning the correct behavior by seeing my displeasure over the wrong behavior, resulting in permanent behavior changes.

At the same time as we’ve been dealing with these puppies, my wife and I have been re-doubling our efforts to correct some behavior issues with our 7 and 9 year old children. Nothing serious like pooping on the carpet, but consistent issues like disrespect and poor attitudes. Character issues that, left unchecked, are un-Godly characteristics now and could get worse. I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the similarities and differences in disciplining my children and puppies, and these are some of the things I’ve come up with:
· Punishment=Discipline=Training – punishment has a negative connotation, but it is an essential part of training our children. It’s also no coincidence that Disciple is the root of Discipline. How can we shun one while we try to become the other?
· Motives – certainly good behavior is a mutual goal. But more importantly with my kids, my goal is that discipline would bring holiness and a healthy submission to us as their parents. It should be a respectful, joyful submission, one they can transfer to other authorities, and eventually to the Lordship of Christ. Our American culture, which promotes unashamed independence and denounces any form of submission as weakness, is a real detriment that I want to help my children to overcome. I want them to learn the satisfaction of self-control, the strength that comes in making yourself weak, and the beauty and virtue that comes in elevating their Lord and others above themselves.
· Rules – at my kids’ age I have the advantage of being able to explain the ground rules to them in advance. Puppies and young children have to learn by experimenting, but my kids have no excuses. We clearly explain to them the rules, what’s expected of them, and what the consequences are. We have found that explaining the rules carefully to them beforehand, as well as the consequences of breaking them, means there is very little arguing when they later choose to break them. We have set disciplines for each successive correction throughout the day, escalating a combination of losing privileges along with timeouts and sentence writing. I believe this is a Biblical model, allowing us later to introduce concepts of Old Testament Law, how it reveals our sin when we choose to knowingly break God’s rules, and how grace can be shown when punishment is deserved but not received.
· Swift and Decisive Discipline – it’s been interesting to me how conflicted I feel handing down discipline to my kids, much more so than to my puppies. I’m not sure ‘it hurts me as much as much as it hurts them’, but it does hurt knowing I will be making them sad or disappointed to lose a privilege they enjoy. For instance, in response to a conscious misbehavior, I still default to telling them to stop repeatedly, never quite wanting to escalate it and hand down the true punishment that will disappoint them, or worse – affect me. But I have also seen that a swift, severe consequence really has a positive impact on their behavior next time. In the end the behavior is corrected much sooner than when we only mildly address the problem.

We often explain to our kids that they are not the only ones having to learn these lessons through discipline. We let them know that we too are in submission to our Father, and are trying to learn to follow His rules and desires for our lives. We too can be disciplined when we fail to do so. We talk about why we want them to learn these lessons now, when the stakes are low and a lifetime of stubbornness and habits do not yet need to be overcome. And we talk about why God and we discipline our children in love, so that as His childen we would be able to lead holy and productive lives, as written in Hebrews 12:6-11:

6 the Lord disciplines those he loves,
and he punishes everyone he accepts as a son.”
7 Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as sons. For what son is not disciplined by his father? 8 If you are not disciplined (and everyone undergoes discipline), then you are illegitimate children and not true sons. 9 Moreover, we have all had human fathers who disciplined us and we respected them for it. How much more should we submit to the Father of our spirits and live! 10 Our fathers disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, that we may share in his holiness. 11 No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.

Next week's author: Melanie Robbins

Celebrating Friendship

2009-09-02T00:00:00.000-07:00

Authors: Sue Jones and Lynn Winters
Lynn Winters and Sue Jones have been best friends for over 20 years. Sue is a pastor’s wife, mother and grandmother. She lives in Tulare, CA with her husband Rich and three dogs. She has two married children so that makes four adult children and one brand new baby granddaughter. Sue has been involved in children’s ministry for over 25 years and holds children’s ministry as one her most important acts of service to the Lord. Sue also home schooled both her children through high school. Their church will soon complete their brand new building which started as a church plant in Tulare, CA in 1993. Lynn Winters lives in Benicia, CA with her husband Roger and has two grown children so four adult children and three grandchildren. children and has also been involved in children’s ministry through Pioneer Clubs and AWANA Ministry. She also has a love for children and most recently had both her grandchildren in AWANA with her which was such a wonderful journey for all of them. Both Lynn and Sue would have to say that becoming a grandparent has been life changing and such an awesome reward from our Heavenly Father! They both look forward to how much they still have the opportunity to impact the children around us.

Answered prayer is the reason why we, Lynn Winters and Sue Jones, have spent the last 22 years as the “best of friends“. We were both young moms with young children in a new community. We both were praying for a good friend and God saw to it that we became more than friends; we became sisters and soul supporters. We both agree that the most awesome part of our friendship is that our children continue to be the “best of friends.” With the recent birth of Sue’s granddaughter, Preslie Grace (6/19/09), we are now praying that our grandchildren will grow to become the “best of friends”. If so privileged by God, that would make three generations of an amazing friendship.

The legacy of our friendship and our children’s friendship is based on a very simple but powerful premise: praying Scripture. After God answered our initial prayer for a good friend, we committed to pray for one another and our children specific scriptural passages. We prayed for every area of their lives that we could think of and we recorded those scriptural prayers in journals and marked them in our bibles. As our knowledge of God’s Word deepened, the arena of prayer for our children increased. What a source of encouragement it is to look back through our journals and bibles and see God’s grace in answering those prayers.

Supplementing our prayer times, we resolved to spend time together as families. Exceeding our initial prayer request for God to bring a good friend into our lives, God orchestrated our families becoming friends. This resulted in our desire to spend time together which we did through eating together, playing together, countless sleepovers , birthday’s and holidays and vacationing together. All that brought us personal joy as moms and friends and contributed to us ministering together in the children’s ministry in our church.

Our children seldom bickered with one another but when they did, it became another opportunity for us to teach and train them about how God would want them to respond in that situation and the need to rely upon Him. One of our deepest desires was for them to understand how important friendships are to God so that they would love and care for their friends much like we cared for and loved one another.
We did see that kind of love demonstrated early on in their friendships. We continue to see that kind of deep lasting love in their friendships to this day. Each of our children stood up for one another on one of the most important days of their lives; their wedding day. They have all shared in some special way in the birth of four grand-children (with hopefully more of those to come). They continue to talk/email and visit with one another as often as they can even though they are separated by as many as two thousand miles.

Our friendship is unique to us and not all of it has been wonderful. We have experienced our share of hurts and disappointments yet in the midst of those times God gave us exactly what we needed in each other. He gave the words when words were needed and a quiet spirit when listening ears were what was needed. He continues to supply us with His grace and mercy in our ongoing journey together. We have discovered, and now rejoice in the truth, that we serve a personal God who takes an interest in ordinary people.

We would encourage each of you to pray for a legacy of good friendships and for friends that would spur you on toward love and good deeds.
(John 15:12) My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends

Next week's author: Tyler Robbins

Co-Parenting? Sign Me Up!

2009-08-19T00:00:00.000-07:00

Author: Kate Bayless

This week a good friend sent me the following reflection that had been passed on to her by another friend.

“As a mom, I have an opportunity to bring out the best in my children. But it consistently means I have to bring out the best in me. I can't model impatient behavior and expect my kids to learn patience. I can't model a self-focused lifestyle and expect my kids to learn how to serve others. Nor can I model an ultra-busy schedule and expect my kids to find time for God in theirs.”

This really hit home for me this week. Nothing has been more convicting than to see my faults and flaws, sins and moments of weakness reflected back through my children. The “Let’s go, let’s go!” I hear my 3-year-old mutter from the backseat at cars stopped in front of us for a red light. A sighed “You’re making me frustrated” from my oldest to youngest son while they play together. This is my impatience, my anger that my children are reflecting, mimicking, and sadly, learning from my actions.

Being a parent has this added responsibility. Not only are my sins detrimental for me, but for the little offspring sponges that God has given me as well. Few things pain me more than thinking that I might be responsible for a bad habit, negative attitude, or ungodly response in my children.

But I have hope.

Show me your ways, O LORD,
teach me your paths;

guide me in your truth and teach me,
for you are God my Savior,
and my hope is in you all day long.

Good and upright is the LORD;
therefore he instructs sinners in his ways.

He guides the humble in what is right
and teaches them his way.

All the ways of the LORD are loving and faithful
for those who keep the demands of his covenant.
Psalms 25:4-5, 8-10

I don’t have to parent my children alone. God wants to parent my children with me. Every moment. Every day. Every tantrum. Every giggle. Every umpteenth spilled snack. Every kiss goodnight.

Co-sleeping? I’ll pass. Co-parenting with Christ? Sign me up.

I can do everything through him who gives me strength (Philippians 4:13).

Next Week's Author: Tyler Robbins

Am I Doing Enough?

2009-08-12T00:00:00.000-07:00

Author: Jennifer Patchin

Jennifer Patchin has been married to her wonderful husband Kelly for 17 years. Kelly is the Pastor of New Harbor Community Church in Benicia, California. They have 4 wonderful children. Victoria is almost 16, Blake is 9, Isabel is almost 7 and Micah is almost 5. Jennifer has the privilege of being a full time stay at home mom and is starting the adventure of home schooling her 3 older children. She has a heart to encourage women as mothers and wives and especially in their relationship with God. She also has a burden for children with special needs and the special needs of their families.

Am I Doing Enough?
Helping our children to grow in love with Jesus & walk in His ways

I am always challenged by Deuteronomy 6:5-9:
“Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. These commandments that I give you today are to be upon your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates.”

I love the Lord and desire above all else that my children will love Him with all of their hearts. Yet I am constantly questioning whether I am doing enough. Or will all the times that I blow it outweigh the times that I am guiding and training them? I know that God looks at the heart and that is the battlefield that I need to be on, reaching my children’s hearts for the Lord. But how? When I look at the above verses it sounds so straight forward and easy and yet we all know that to keep God the focus in all that we do from the time we wake up to the time we go to bed can be very challenging. Then to communicate that to our children can be even harder. So with a little reservation that this may seem too basic or redundant I wanted to start a list of some things that we can do to help our children grow spiritually.

*Talk to your children about God!
When they are young take the opportunity to point out God’s creation and his majesty
through it.
Talk about how much God loves them and that he sent his son to die for them. God’s
love is unconditional.
Share with your children what God is teaching you or lessons you have learned about
God.
Ask your children what they are learning at church or what they think about God.
Learn to filter everything through spiritual eyes and help your children do the same.
God’s ways are not the same as our ways, but His ways are always best.

*Pray with and for your children!
Pray throughout the day, not just meals and bed time (although that is a good place to
start if you are not in the habit).
Pray when your child is struggling with something. Our children need to learn that they
cannot be good or overcome obstacles in their own strength. They need Jesus.
Pray on your way to school for their day, teachers, attitude, friends, and enemies.
Pray when you see a car accident, fire, or when you run in to someone having a bad day.
Praise God together when your child is doing well (having a good attitude, being kind,
helpful, etc.)
Teach your children to be aware of the needs of others and to pray for them.

Stormie Omartian says in her book, The Power of the Praying Parent
“When we show them that walking with God brings joy and fulfillment, not boredom and restriction, when we pray with and for them about everything, then our children will develop a hunger for the things of God. They will long for His ways, His Word and His presence.”

*Read God’s Word!
If your children are young read the Bible to them. Commit to read it every day.
If your children are old enough to read, encourage them to read the bible on their own
every day.
To teach your children the discipline of reading God’s Word every day will
become a habit as they grow. I watch my teenage daughter get up almost every
morning and spend time with God in prayer and bible study. Yes, we trained her to do
that when she was young and now she does it on her own because she understands her
need to be with Jesus.
A friend was just telling me an analogy that she was thinking about in regards to this. She shared that as far back as she can remember it was ingrained in her to wear her seat belt. She understood all the benefits of wearing her seat belt and the dangers of not. Now as an adult she can hardly even start the car without making sure her seat belt is fastened. Because she has been doing it her whole life it is a discipline. If this same emphasis had been put on reading her Bible and spending time with God every day, then these things might be easier disciplines for her today.
For young children a Children’s Story Bible is a good way to teach the stories of the Bible at their level.
There are also many devotional books for children that are short and simple. When they are young these are helpful to teach a biblical lesson that they can understand.

*Be an example!
We have all heard many times, “It in not what you say, it is what you do?”
We need to model with our lives a love for God and His word and His ways. That is the most effective way to reach the heart of our children.
Unfortunately many of the things that my children struggle with are the same things that I struggle with. They have learned my bad habits and sinful ways.
I pray they are also learning the positive things that I have to offer.
Children need for us to show them how to live.
It is not enough to say it, we have to do it.
We can’t just say “be kind to your sister” if we are not modeling kindness.
Check yourself and make sure that you are being the example that you want your children to follow.
Make sure that you are spending time before the throne of your Heavenly Father. He is the one that will give you strength and wisdom. As you love Him more and follow His ways it will pour out into your children.

Next week's author: Kate Bayless

Jelly Belly Woes

2009-08-03T00:00:00.000-07:00

Author: Linda Wright (Linda, an African American, graduate of UCB Psychology Dept., spent 7 years on the staff of Campus Crusade for Christ, wife of one husband and mother of 3 children, one son and two daughters. Linda is a storyteller, writer of children's books and works with the second step program for elementary schools)

That fateful day started with a nice field trip to the Jelly Belly Factory. My three children and two other boys behaved beautifully or so I thought. This was my second week of taking care of children while their mother was at work. On the way home, one of the boys asked my daughter, “Would you like a pair of earrings?” My ears perked up. What earrings was he talking about? I was driving and couldn’t turn my head, but my daughter sounded happy. “Where did you get those earrings from?” I inquired. “The Jelly Belly Factory” the boy answered. “When did you buy them?” I asked. “When you went to the rest room with the girls.” MMM. Maybe he did buy them or maybe he didn’t. This didn’t sound right. When I came out of the bathroom, he wasn’t waiting by the restroom but was in the store with a strange look on his face. “God, please make this plain to me,” I silently prayed. “Would you like a pencil” he asked my son. “That’s cool ” My son replied. “Where did you get the pencil from?” I inquired. “The Jelly Belly Factory. I bought them with the earrings.” Over the next few minutes, the seven year old gave away a few more items. I left the freeway and parked the car so I could deal with this. He had no receipt and no bag. I quietly talked to him “Nothing bad is going to happen. I face the same temptation quite a bit. Tell me the truth. Did you take these from the store?” My children protested. I persisted. “Yes,” he confessed. I sighed. “My policy - we must return what’s taken from the store.” We returned to the Jelly Belly factory and tramped back into the store. I found the manager and explained the situation. The boy turned over the loot The manager gently reprimanded the boy. At lunch, the boy had more items from the Jelly Belly to share. This time he said his mother came to the Jelly Belly factory a month ago and bought these things. He assured me he didn’t take them. My children agreed. They thought I was terrible not to believe him. I was determined. This time I took him to a private corner and had him empty all his pockets, take his coat off and turn his sleeves inside out. With my camera, I took a picture of fourteen items besides the ones we had already returned. He assured me there were no more. He looked relieved. “Lord, now what do I do? My children are against me. The boy is holding to his story. “ Of course we returned to the Jelly Belly Factory and my children kept protesting. “Mom, his mother gave them to him.” They believed him and not me. The manager was amazed to see us again. She said these items weren’t on sale a month ago. This was new inventory, never seen in the store before. The boy confessed. My kids looked shocked. I felt sick. I was relieved that my instincts were correct. The boy had lied. My mother used to say stealing and lying went hand in hand. She was right on the money. We returned to my home and I kept a good watch on him for the rest of the day. When his mother came to the door, he began to be a bit strange and I put him on my lap and rocked him until he calmed down. His mother didn’t have much to say. I said this was the last day. You must find another care-taker. Frequently, our family discussed what had happened. I prayed for my son. These boys were in his class at school. I couldn’t separate them. I was concerned for what he would do with what had happened. Over the next few months, I began to notice that my son always had something in his hands he needed to return before we left the store. Next time he waited until the parking lot before he told me he had an item in his hand Each time, I made sure he apologized to the clerk when he returned it. Often I talked to him about his conscience and the importance of keeping it clear. It was a precious gift given to us by God. The Holy Spirit is the one who lets us know when we are right or wrong. We must listen to him. Jiminy Cricket in the movie Pinnochio represented Pinnochio’s conscience. That connection helped him understand the importance of keeping his conscience clear. After many incidence I asked him if he was thinking a lot about what happened at the Jelly Belly Factory. He said yes. I thought so because every time we went shopping you came out of the store with something. He nodded his head yes. The next time this happens, there would be a certain consequence. Discussion and returning the item to the clerk wasn’t enough of a deterrent. Sure enough, at Macy’s I tried on some jewelry. There was one piece of jewelry missing. Where was it? My son confessed it was at the bottom of the stroller. I was filled with grief and calmness. My duty was sure. This behavior must stop, NOW. At home we went to his room. “Never discipline in anger,” rang in my ear, “for the anger of man does not accomplish the righteousness of God.” The consequence was definite. The pain he felt was cleansing. He never had to apologize to a clerk again because he decided stealing was not for him. Afterwards, I trusted him to do the right thing inside stores. A bit of pain administered calmly, slowly and well placed goes swiftly to the core of the child. The goal of discipline is to reach a child’s heart and for them to respond with humility and experience, cleansing from the encounter. Yelling, name calling, anger, abuse, and shaming deeply hurt a child. I found that a couple of well placed swats on a hand with a wooden spoon accomplish healthy behaviors. A few children are wired differently and any discipline leaves them and their parent in a worse state of mind - wrath, fury and anger rather than humility. In that case a good talk with the child’s pediatrician should help. Doctors have lots of good resources. There wasn’t much I could do for the boy who stole from the Jelly Belly factory. I talked with him and reasoned. But his mother’s consequence was time out in his room. He really needed therapy with a psychologist. Seven years old was too young for such a defined habit of stealing and lying. After that, I never returned to child-care as a viable part time job. Once was enough.

Practice Makes Perfect

2009-07-15T00:00:00.000-07:00

Author: Wendy Clark

Wendy Clark has been married to her husband Roy for 23 years and has three daughters ages 16, 14, and 4. She homeschools her girls, teaches English at Napa Valley College, and is very involved in her church (Northgate Christian Fellowship) in Benicia, California. Visit her website: wendyclarkministries.com or email her: wendyclark@prodigy.net.

In his book To Train Up a Child1, Michael Pearl makes the point that if we can train a horse or a dog, certainly we can train a child, who is far more intelligent and capable of understanding.

What kinds of things do we teach a horse? He points out that we teach a horse to respond to our gentle prodding, to obey immediately, to be calm when it needs to be, to work hard when it needs to, to pay attention and be alert to danger.

How then, do we teach a horse these things? By practicing them. We give a command over and over again. When we get the desired response, we reward with praise or sometimes treats. When we do not get the desired response, we withhold praise and sometimes bring discomfort if necessary. Then we practice some more, encouraging every step that goes in the right direction.

Debi Pearl gives the example of teaching your child to come when called. She suggests that you play a game. First, give your child specific instructions: You stay here. I am going to go somewhere in the house and call you. When you hear my call, you come right away. We’ll see how fast you can listen and come. Then you walk into a different room and call (with very young children, you can just walk across the room). If your child comes immediately, reward him or her with lots of excitement, praise, and affection. If he or she doesn’t respond or responds slowly or half-heartedly, there’s no need to make a big deal about it; just say something like this: Let’s try that again. I know you can be much faster than that. Then repeat the instructions and try again.

When your child begins to get the idea, try moving to different rooms or even hiding. Play the game often, and each time when you are finished, remind your child of this: Whenever you hear me call you, wherever we are, in the store or outside or at church or at the park, any time that you hear me call, you come just as fast as you can. When you are in a public place, and your child responds to your call, don’t forget to give lots of excitement, praise, and affection.

I wish I had learned the principle of training when my two oldest girls were young, but I have used it with my four year old, and it works well. It makes teaching fun, and it’s far easier to remain calm in teaching something in advance, rather than being stressed out, wondering how my child will respond when I need her to.

Here are some other ideas of things to practice at home with your child:
· Wait to eat until the host/hostess takes a bite
· Don’t touch things that don’t belong to you without permission
· Clean up after yourself
· Introducing yourself to a new friend

I’m sure you can think of many others. Make up a fun and easy game to practice the principle when you are well rested and in a good mood. (Waiting for the hostess to take a bite brought our household a lot of laughter.) Then instruct, play, reword, and repeat.

1Michael and Debi Pearl, To Train Up a Child,

Next Week's Author: Linda Wright