Posts by joannemiller:
Long Term Benefit
January 9th, 2013
Author: Joanne Miller
Some of us have grown up with mixed ideas about authority and submission and frankly, we find ourselves confused at times when trying to decide whether to require our children to obey.
But obedience is bigger than a parenting issue. It’s a life skill. When children learn to give up their agenda or sacrifice their activity to do what someone else says, they’re learning how to live successfully with others in life.
You’re training your child for the future. It’s not enough to simply change a child’s behavior to conform to your present desires. Look long term. Things like obedience, submission, and honor toward God and others are attitudes learned as a child and practiced throughout life.
One verse that reminds us that our present discipline has long-term ramifications is Proverbs 22:6. It says, “Train up a child in the way he should go and when he is old he will not turn from it.” Our kids are in training.
It’s good to tell your children why they need to obey. Share with them your motivation and goals for them. Tell them that they need to learn to obey your words so that when they grow up they will know how to obey God and work with others. Poor habits and selfishness are hard to deal with in children, but the older the child, the harder it is to break these patterns. Disciplining our children effectively when they’re young will save them much pain later on in life.
Next Week’s Author: Jennifer Patchin
It’s Hard to Raise a Leader
August 22nd, 2012
Author: Joanne Miller
Some children are born leaders. They want to control their parents, their siblings, their friends, and even people they don’t know. They have their own agenda and want everyone else to know what it is and how to fit into it. Leaders can be a real blessing in life but they sure are hard to raise.
One of the greatest gifts you can give to your budding leader is the ability to follow. To follow means listening to the needs and desires of others, submitting to someone else’s agenda, and learning how to work cooperatively on a team. All good leaders need to know how and when to follow.
Although you will nurture the leadership gifts your child possesses, it’s also your job to teach him or her how to work with others. The weaknesses of young leaders are demonstrated in negative ways like arguing, badgering, and being demanding or angry. Don’t just brush off these weaknesses as inevitable. Take time to correct, but do it in a way that appreciates the child’s gifts. “Karen, I can tell you’re going to be a leader someday, but remember that good leaders need to think about the needs of others.” Or, “Jim, I like the way you take initiative with your brother. Remember, though, that a good leader is also a good listener.”
As you guide the development of your young leader you’ll not only make family life easier now, but also you’ll be equipping him for the future. Your hard work will be worth it in the end.
This idea was taken from the book, “Home Improvement, The Parenting Book You Can Read to Your Kids,” by Dr. Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, RN, BSN.
Next week’s Author: Susan Ottmer
It Takes Two to Argue, but Only One to Stop
March 28th, 2012
Author: Joanne Miller
When Kids Argue, Parents Need This Response
Summary:
Children who argue have good character qualities like persistence, perseverance, determination, creativity, and an ability to communicate their ideas. The problem with arguing is that your child views you as an obstacle, a mountain to tunnel through. The child who argues often lacks sensitivity, humility, and a proper respect for authority. Your challenge as a parent is to encourage the positive qualities and remove the negative ones.
When you sense that your child has crossed the line and is valuing the issue at the expense of the relationship, stop the dialogue. Refuse to argue. It takes two to argue, but only one to stop.
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Arguing can be defined this way: using logic and emotion to change someone’s mind without considering how the intensity of the discussion is hurting the relationship.
The child who is prone to argue will often start with “Why?” in order to find ammunition. You, of course, view it as a harmless question, and since you have the answer on the tip of your tongue you graciously give it. The child responds with “But…” and now you’re both off and running. These kinds of discussions aren’t bad (in fact they can occasionally be helpful), but some children use them as manipulative techniques to get out of following instructions or to try to get something that you’ve already said no to. Arguing can become an irritating habit, but it’s also a symptom of a heart problem.
Some parents try to talk their children into following instructions or have discussions to help them want to obey. These children sometimes can’t follow a simple instruction without a
dialogue and grow up to make poor team members, difficult employees, and demanding friends. These parents think they’re doing a good thing. “After all,” they say, “isn’t it good to dialogue with your kids?” The answer is “Yes, most of the time.” However, there are some times in family life where dialogue is counterproductive. When children use the dialogue to delay obedience or try to wear you down in order to get a no answer changed to a yes, then you have a problem.
If you have a child who doesn’t know how to cooperate, you might want to use a technique called, “Obey first and then talk about it.” This technique simply reverses the sequence of
two important elements, discussion and responsiveness. Children must first respond to your instruction and then you’ll discuss the reasons for it.
Some parents who see a need for their children to give, not just take, require obedience by saying, “Because I’m the parent, that’s why.” Although these parents may have a handle
on the problem, their authoritarian approach is inadequate because it focuses the solution on the parent instead of the child. Instead challenge children that the problem is theirs because they’re mishandling dialogue. A child may need a period of time where following instructions comes before the discussion to foster the ability to give up one’s agenda without always having to get something out of it.
When Amanda is asked to get on her pajamas and responds with, “But I’m not tired,” Mom may say, “Amanda, I’d like you to obey first and then we’ll talk about it.” After Jenny obeys, then a discussion about bedtime may take place. It’s surprising, though, how many children don’t feel the need for a discussion afterwards. Dialogue for them was simply an attempt to delay cooperation.
Children who argue have good character qualities like persistence, perseverance, determination, creativity, and an ability to communicate their ideas. The problem with arguing is that your child views you as an obstacle, a mountain to tunnel through. The child who argues often lacks sensitivity, humility, and a proper respect for authority. Your challenge as a parent is to encourage the positive qualities and remove the negative ones.
When you sense that your child has crossed the line and is valuing the issue at the expense of the relationship, stop the dialogue. Refuse to argue. It takes two to argue, and you can stop the process from continuing on into unhelpful territory. Remember that good logic isn’t the only consideration. You are also teaching your child to value relationship and learn to communicate with honor.
One of the reasons that arguing is dangerous to a relationship is that it sets the parties at odds. When children argue with their parents the relationship is at stake. Most parents feel uncomfortable with arguments, but they don’t know why or what to do about it. The child who wants to argue puts the parent in an awkward position. The child takes on the role of attacker and the parent then becomes the defender. This relating pattern sets the two up as opponents instead of partners.
The difference between an argument and a discussion has to do with relationship. When the issue becomes more important than the people debating it, the discussion has turned into an argument. The best way to teach or even discuss a problem is with you and your child on the same side of the net. Instead of allowing issues to come between you, look for ways to make the issue the opponent and you and your child partners in solving it.
Sometimes an argument can move into a discussion with a little adjusting on your part. If you believe a discussion is helpful in a given situation you might move away from an argument mode by asking, “What are you hearing me say?” or saying, “Let’s both try to think of advantages and disadvantages of you watching a video tonight.” With these kinds of statements, you refuse to become an opponent and continue to look for areas of cooperation. The discussion then gives you an opportunity to teach problem-solving skills and good decision-making techniques.
Paul the apostle gave young Timothy advice about how to lead God’s family, the church. In 2 Timothy 2:23 he said, “Don’t have anything to do with foolish and stupid arguments, because you know they produce quarrels.” That’s not only good advice for the church. It’s great advice for the home as well. Quarrels or fights in family life often start with simple arguments.
One of the problems is that parents don’t realize they’re arguing until they’re well into the discussion. That’s okay. The point you realize that you are in an argument is the point where you’ll want to take action. Use the discomfort you feel with the interaction to act as your signal that it’s time for you to make a change. Refuse to continue. After all, it takes two to argue but only one to stop.
Next Week’s Author: Steve Hodges
The Gratefulness Principle
November 23rd, 2011
Author: Joanne Miller, RN, BSN
Gratitude increases closeness in relationships. As you parent your children, look for opportunities to take advantage of gratefulness to draw closer to your kids. Give your children small gifts of love day after day. Be careful, though, that you don’t confuse the gratefulness principle with the overindulgence trap.
Some parents, wanting their children to like them, recognize giving gifts opens the heart, so they overdo it by giving them too many things. Giving to your kids must be tied into relationship, or the gifts feed selfishness instead of gratefulness.
Overindulgence is giving your children more than their character can handle. When children lack gratitude, then the more you give them, the less they appreciate. Parents must restrain themselves or they’ll exceed their children’s ability to manage the blessings.
Overindulged children rarely become grateful when you give them more things. They grow to be more demanding and selfish. Parents then feel unappreciated and become resentful. The hearts of both parents and children harden toward each other, and closeness becomes a thing of the past.
If your children become overindulged rather than grateful, then pull back on the area where you’re giving too much. Look for creative ways to give differently to your child. Teaching the heart gratefulness can be a challenge. Having a child say thank you is just behavior. Gratefulness comes from the heart.
Monitor your child’s response to gifts of love to determine if you’re growing gratitude or overindulgence. As gratefulness increases, you can slowly give blessings in a way that will produce more gratefulness. You’ll know if you’re moving too quickly by your child’s response.
This tip comes from the book, Parenting is Heart Work by Dr Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, RN, BSN.
Next Week’s Author: Steve Hodges
Teach Kids to Add Energy to Family Life
October 5th, 2011
Summary:
Some children have the ability to suck the energy right out of family life. These children are demanding of your time, need a lot of correction, and seem to be magnets for conflict. They’re often emotionally explosive but almost always drain energy out of parents and other family members. The solution is to teach your children about honor. Honor contains the idea of doing more than what’s expected. That means seeing what needs to be done and doing it, and solving problems instead of leaving them for others. In this article we’ll show you how to teach it to your kids in fun ways.
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Some children have the ability to suck the energy right out of family life. These children are demanding of your time, need a lot of correction, and seem to be magnets for conflict. They’re often emotionally explosive but almost always drain energy out of parents and other family members. Unfortunately then, these children develop a negative view of
themselves based on the high amount of negative feedback they receive.
One solution is to teach them to add energy back into family life. The term “honor” describes the process of thinking of others above yourself. Honor is important in a family. God commands honor to be practiced at home. Ephesians 6:2-3 says, “ ‘Honor your father and mother’—which is the first commandment with a promise— ‘that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth.’ “ Those verses teach that honor learned at home has ramifications for life. In fact, we would say that God has hidden within honor the secret ingredients people need to be successful.
Honor has rich meaning for parents and children. It can give direction in many of the frustrating moments you experience. In fact, every form of selfishness has an honor-based solution.
Honor means to treat people as special, do more than what’s expected, and have a good attitude. Feel free to use this definition or make up your own. The point is that honor changes the way that parents relate to their children, the way children relate to each other, and the way children relate to their parents. Obedience gets the job done, but honor addresses the way people relate in that process.
If Jack gets people riled up each afternoon before dinner, set an appointment with him at 4:00 pm for several days in a row and ask him to look for three things he can do to add to family life. He may decorate the dinner table, encourage his brother, or prepare something nice for Dad’s arrival home.
If Jack continually antagonizes his sister, you might tell him that he needs to think of three honoring things to do for her before he’s free to play. Remember, don’t tell him exactly what he needs to do. If you decide what Jack needs to do and tell him to do it, that’s obedience. When Jack chooses, that’s honor. Honor treats people as special and does more than what’s
expected. Jack needs to learn how to add energy to family life instead of taking it away.
Honor requires initiative by adding something extra or doing something that needs to be done. Many children wait for others to tell them to do something. Furthermore, it’s hard to teach kids to take initiative because the very act of telling them seems to take the initiative away. That’s why you may require your child to do something but not tell him what to do. You want to help him to start seeing a need or solving a problem for himself.
Honor also contains the idea of doing more than what’s expected. That means seeing what needs to be done and doing it, and solving problems instead of leaving them for others. One family had a sign in their kitchen that read:
If it’s broken, fix it.
If it’s empty, fill it up.
If it’s open, shut it.
If it’s out, put it away.
If it’s messy, clean it up.
If you can’t, then report it.
That’s honor.
Honor means that everyone contributes to family life. In fact, you may ask a child to go around the house and look for one job that needs to be done and do it, and then report back to you.
These kinds of discussions and exercises will help children think outside of their little box and discover that they have a responsibility to the family. They can contribute to family life by just seeing something that needs to be done and doing it.
People tend to take for granted those they’re closest to. It was Jesus who said, “Only in their own towns, among their relatives and in their own homes is a prophet without honor.” (Mark 6:4) The family can be a place where people take each other for granted. Learning honor is just the solution kids need. Hidden within honor are the secret ingredients that make people more productive in relationships.
You’re already honoring your kids in a number of ways although you might not be using the term. Now you might say to your daughter, “I went shopping today and I bought your favorite ice cream. I just wanted to honor you.” Then later you can use the same word to describe how you’d like your daughter to treat you with a better attitude when you give her an
instruction.
One way parents can teach children honor is to include it in the instruction process. You might say to your child, “I’d like you to obey me by setting the table, then I want you to think of something extra to do to surprise me. That’s showing honor. You choose; it’s up to you. Report to me when you’re done and I’ll check your work.”
You can use the concept of honor in correction or when things are going well. You can use it when you teach your children about money, time, and other resources and you can teach it when conflict comes around. One way to teach honor is on special occasions when someone wins a contest or earns a certificate. You may show honor by giving that person a fancy place at the table or by decorating his or her bedroom door.
Honor is fun. It’s like oil in a machine. It gets work done with less friction and less heat. Every family needs honor. It’s great when things are going well and essential when family relationships are strained. Work on it whether your kids are preschoolers or teens. It’ll change the way your family relates.
Next Week’s Author: Wendy Clark
Honor Defined in Practical Terms
June 1st, 2011
Children need to know what Godly character looks like in practical terms. We love the character quality of honor, not just because God commands it, but also because it has so much rich meaning for parents and children. It can give direction in many of the frustrating moments we experience in family life. In fact, every form of selfishness has an honor-based solution.
Honor means…
Treating people as special,
Doing more than what’s expected,
And having a good attitude.
Use our honor definition or make up your own. The point is that honor changes people. It changes the way that parents relate to their children, the way children relate to each other, and the way children relate to their parents. We all need it.
You can use the concept of honor in correction or when things are going well. You can use it when you teach your children about money, time, and other resources, and you can teach it when conflict comes around. One of the best ways to teach it is on special occasions when someone wins a contest or earns a certificate. You may show honor by giving that person a fancy place at the table or by decorating his or her bedroom door.
Honor is fun. It’s like oil in a machine. It gets work done with less friction and less heat. Every family needs honor. It’s great when things are going well and essential when family relationships are strained. You can work on honor whether your kids are preschoolers or teens. It will change the way your family relates.
For more practical ideas on developing honor in your family listen to the CD series with your kids or buy the book, “Say Goodbye to Whining, Complaining, and Bad Attitudes, In You and Your Kids,” and read it with them. Learn more at www.biblicalparenting.org.
Privilege Goes With Responsibility
January 27th, 2011
Author: Joanne Miller
Joanne Miller RN, BSN is the cofounder of the National Center for Biblical Parenting. She has written five books on parenting and has three video training programs for parents. Joanne has two boys and lives with then and her husband Ed in Lawrenceville, NJ.
Jesus told a parable about a landowner who returned to find two stewards who had been responsible and one that hadn’t been. The landowner said to the responsible stewards, “You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things.” Jesus was teaching his disciples that those who are responsible will receive more.
This principle that privilege and responsibility go together is the primary way that parents can discipline their teens. Too often parents give privileges to teens who aren’t responsible enough to handle them. Just because a child is fourteen years old doesn’t mean that he is mature enough to go to a friend’s house without supervision. Don’t give privileges based on age, use responsibility as a guide instead.
One mom was asked by her thirteen-year-old daughter, “How old do I have to be before I can babysit?”
Mom was wise enough to respond, “The answer doesn’t have to do with age. It has to do with responsibility.”
Her daughter continued, “How will you know when I’m responsible enough?”
“I’ll see signs of responsibility at home. I can tell if you are responsible by how you take care of your room and what kind of choices you make when I’m not around.”
Parents sometimes give privileges to children who aren’t responsible enough to handle them. Privileges are things like being home alone, having an email account, carrying a cell phone, going to the mall with friends, or being able to stay up later.
Children want privileges and often pressure their parents to give them. You can use privileges to teach responsibility. “Before I can give you access to the Internet, I have to see that you can take a stand for righteousness, be honest under pressure, and do the right thing when no one is watching.” Or, “I’d like to allow you to stay up later but it means that you have to demonstrate a good attitude during the day. I’m not sure we’re there yet.”
Responsibility can be demonstrated in children in many ways and honor is at the heart of it. Cleaning up after a snack, taking initiative to help clear the table, being honest in a difficult situation, responding to correction without blaming an offense on someone else, and handling disappointment with a good attitude are all ways that children can demonstrate responsibility.
This parenting tip is taken from the Audio CD series, “Say Goodbye to Whining, Complaining, and Bad Attitudes, In You and Your Kids.”
Next Week’s Author: Kim Ashbaugh
An Anger Plan
October 11th, 2010
Author: Joanne Miller Joanne Miller, RN, BSN is the cofounder of the National Center for Biblical Parenting. She has written five books on parenting and has three video training programs for parents. Joanne has two boys and lives with then and her husband Ed in Lawrenceville, NJ.
Anger damages relationships. We help parents every week in our office deal with anger in their families. Here are several guidelines we’ve found helpful for anger management in a home. When parents and kids work on these things, anger episodes are reduced. Make these a regular part of your routine and you’ll see tremendous progress.
1. Never argue with children who are angry. Have them take a break and continue the conversation later.
2. Identify the anger cues that reveal your child is about to lose control. Point them out early and stop the interaction. Don’t wait for explosions before you intervene.
3. Help children recognize anger in its various disguises like a bad attitude, grumbling, glaring, or a harsh tone of voice.
4. Debrief after the child has settled down. Talk about how to handle the situation differently next time.
5. Teach children constructive responses. They could get help, talk about it, or walk away. These kinds of suggestions help children to have a plan for what they should do, not just what they shouldn’t do.
6. When angry words or actions hurt others, individuals should apologize and seek forgiveness.
By doing these things you will teach your children to do what James 1:19 says, ” be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.”
This parenting tip comes from a chapter on sibling conflict in the book, “Say Goodbye to Whining, Complaining, and Bad Attitudes, In You and Your Kids”
Next Author: Jeanine Cook