Posts by lindawright:
Keep It Sacred
March 20th, 2012
Author: Linda Wright
It was Monday morning, Washington DC, 1984. My status: single and working with Campus Crusade for Christ, now called Cru, at Howard University. I had struggled out of bed and felt like I had been hit by a train. I was totally drained of energy. I called my boss, Charles Gilmer, and asked for the day off. He said yes and I crawled back into bed and slept.
That weekend I had taken care of his two young boys, and his six month old nursing baby boy, while he and his wife Becky had spent four days and three nights together. This was their first getaway from the children since the baby was born. They made it a habit to slip away every six months to spend time together, reconnecting. I loved being with their sweet boys, but it was exhausting being fully responsible for someone else’s children. I wanted them to be happy and safe.
When Charles and Becky returned home, they glowed. They used to leave for two nights but that wasn’t long enough for Becky to really unwind and relax. I prayed that one day, I and my future husband would be able to do the same.
I started dating Mr. Wright and in 1987, I married him. In 1991, Randy and I gave birth to our first child. I found it hard to leave my son, even to go out for a date, let alone an entire
weekend! Eventually we did – several years later! We attended a marriage conference sponsored by Cru. When we returned, we glowed. Over the years we attended more of their marriage conferences and at other times we went away just to spend time together with no agenda. We used a book of questions to ask your spouse and we have over twenty four years of answers to muse and laugh over.
An inexpensive way to spend time with your husband is to let your children spend four hours with another family and then the next week you take that friend’s children into your home for four hours. This way you can plan a romantic time at home two times a month or you can work it out for once a month. Plan a few sleepovers too.
The best gift we can give our children and grandchildren is our marriage. When they grow up with memories of their parents dating and going away together, it will help them do the same with their spouse.
God decided it wasn’t good for Adam to be alone. He didn’t give Adam children to answer that need. He gave him a wife. I haven’t been the best nurturer of our marriage nest, but I’m learning to hold our dates sacred. It’s important for me to be ready ahead of time and not be distracted. This way, I let Randy know I value him and the time I spend with him.
A word picture Randy told me, helps me be intentional in setting aside our times together. He said that in Matthew 25, five handmaids were ready for the bridegroom’s appearance.
They had their lamps lit and enough oil to last through the night. But the other five handmaids did not bring enough oil. They wanted the first five to share but that would leave them without enough either. So the five unprepared ladies left to buy more oil in the middle of the night and when they returned, the door to the bridal party was shut. They could not
join in on the intimacy of the evening.
Be prepared and ready, not distracted or late. Keep it special and sacred. May your face glow!
Next Week’s Author: Joanne Miller
Rebellion Resolved Brings Respect
November 10th, 2011
I searched for my friend Pam at choir rehearsal. I noticed only her son singing on stage but not her daughter. I asked “Where is Renee?”
“She’s at home with her Dad,” Pam replied. “I refuse to bring her to choir rehearsal when she disrespects me. She won’t be here today or next week. I told the choir director, who is upset with me. But order in our home is vital. Her attitude has gotten out of hand. She’s not following through on anything I ask her to do, and she argues with me. “
I was shocked. Wow! “How did Renee respond?”
“She was furious. When she realized that I meant what I said, she changed her attitude and apologized. But she still has to miss two rehearsals. She must learn that defying her mother will get her nowhere.”
The next week eight-year-old Renee did not attend rehearsal. Pam did not change her decision and her daughter regained respect for her mother and quickly obeyed her without argument.
What about me? Would I do the same? Could I stand up to the choir director’s anger? That would be hard. I’m a peace maker with a heart of mercy. When I draw the line for my children, that heart of mercy wells up inside of me and I soften the discipline. Would I not change and bring her to the second rehearsal if her heart was clear? This was a blind spot for me. Yet I knew deep down inside of me that this type of tough love would bring long-lasting harmony to the home.
Years later, I heard Kevin Leman on Family Life Today radio station talk about “B doesn’t happen until A is completed. “ My thoughts went right back to Pam and Renee. In his book, How to Have A New Kid by Friday, he explains simple parenting tools in only 89 pages! The rest of the book is questions and answers.
When A is not completed and the child knows exactly what is expected of them, Dr. Leman advices parents to calmly say “We are not going to the park.” (Or some other planned activity, practice or event). Turn your back to the child and walk away. Get busy doing something else like the laundry or the dishes. Walking away awakens children’s curiosity. It makes them wonder what’s up. This makes them more teachable. The child will follow and ask “why not?” You calmly say “We are not going because I asked you to do…. and you did not do it.” Turn your back and walk away and start working on another task. If the child follows and says “I’ll do it right now, then we can go.” Just smile and say “no”, walk away and do something else. Facing a child and waiting for a response initiates a power struggle.
His advice reminded me of when my son at age three went to the linen closet and threw the towels down in anger. I calmly told him to pick them up. He said, “No, you pick them up. “ I raised my eyebrows and walked away. He wanted to play outside. “No, you won’t play outside today.” I calmly replied and went back to clean the kitchen. After an hour of crying and sitting by those towels, he picked them up. Then we talked about what happened. We didn’t go outside.
Recently, another child missed a month of recreational gymnastics. Why should I pay for gymnastics when she responds to me with irritation and anger every time I talk about chores? Her attitude improved but I stayed consistent and she didn’t go for a month. Her heart was won over. Her sister worked with a renewed attitude when she heard about no gymnastics for a month.
A word of caution: Please don’t use this method in order to manipulate children. One mother promised to take her child to the movies after she cleaned her room. But the mother always found something small she didn’t like and refused to take her. The mother didn’t plan to take her in the first place. Over time, the daughter realized her mother’s intentions, and intense anger welled up inside of her and that relationship never recovered. That daughter grew up to be a broken person.
B doesn’t happen until A happens have helped me be consistent and firm. I never kept my daughter from choir but there were other B activities that did not happen because A was not completed. I found this principal to be very liberating and helped me reach the heart of my child.
Next Week’s Author: Susan Arico
No More Stormy Car Trips
July 13th, 2011
How many times while driving have I shouted over my shoulder to tell my kids to be quiet and to stop yelling at each other? I’m louder than them! Worse, the noise escalates after my futile attempts of calming the storm. Didn’t Jesus speak and the waves immediately calmed down and the storm stopped when he took a boat trip with his disciples? That’s not happening here!
Thankfully, I received good advice from Dr. Kevin Leman when I listened to him speaking on Family Life Today, a radio program aired on Christian radio stations across the USA and on the internet. I couldn’t believe my ears. Here was a simple solution to making car trips livable. I heard how I could speak, calm the waters, and stop the storm with very little effort on my part.
By the fourth freeway exit from our home, the noise level was harsh and ugly. I didn’t say a word. I pulled off the freeway and parked the car on the of the road. The noise continued in the back of the car. I picked up my book and started to read. All of a sudden, my three kids stopped yelling at each other. I continued to read. My son demanded “What are we doing here? I thought we were going to Grandma’s house.”
Quietly I responded “I can’t drive in a noisy car. It’s not safe. When you are finished arguing we will continue our trip. I’m sure you’ll work it out. Meanwhile I’ll read my book until it’s safe to drive.”
After a few minutes of quiet talking, my son said “Mom, we’re finished. We can go now.” “Good. I knew you would figure it out. I’ll be finished reading in five minutes.”
It took three trips over a month to get the message through to them that I was not driving when they argued. I usually pulled off the freeway at the fourth exit, read my book or cleaned out my purse.
Once my husband Randy was driving and they started arguing. Randy yelled over his shoulder at them while driving. They ignored him. I quietly said, “Drive off the freeway and
park the car.” He looked at me strangely and asked why. I repeated my request, “Pull over and say nothing. Let them become curious and ask why we are stopping.” He stopped the car. The children realized we were not at our outing and got silent. That was our last noisy car ride.
Thank you Dr. Leman and Family Life Today radio program for giving parents practical advice on how to handle everyday problems. Dr. Leman writes more on this subject in his simple yet powerful book, How To Have A New Kid by Friday. I recommend putting a cover on the book and keep it away from your children. Teenagers explode when they see the title. They don’t need to know what you are doing that compels them to cooperate with you.
Let me know if this worked for you and how you calmed the storms in your car. Go to www.purposeful-parenting.com to leave a comment and sign up to receive weekly emails on parenting.
Next Week’s Author: Steve Hodges
Making Marriage Memories
March 26th, 2011
Author: Linda Wright
Linda is an African American woman and a graduate of UC Berkeley Psychology Department. She spent 7 years on the staff of Campus Crusade for Christ. She is the wife of one husband and mother of 3 teenagers, one son and two daughters. Linda is a storyteller, writer of children’s books and a guidance aid for children with the Second Step program for elementary schools.
Oh no! There’s little time left for fun ideas to do with our family now that one is in college, another going to college and one still in high school. I think of the creative ideas that I didn’t do! But I have a few that I want to share with you. One anniversary and one valentine memory that we included our children in such a way that they will always remember it and laugh and hopefully repeat it to others.
For one June anniversary, we hired a babysitter, loaded our red flyer wagon with table clothes, china, sparkling cider, cloth napkins, and a dinner bell. We took the children and the red flyer wagon up the hill to the park. While the babysitter played with the children, Randy and I set two fancy picnic tables that faced beautiful views of the Delta and Mount Diablo.
When everything was ready, the pizza man was called and he delivered pizza to the children’s table. Randy and I sat at our table and rang the bell. The children came over and served our food and poured our sparkling cider. Whenever we wanted more food or drink, we rang the bell and they took turns serving us. They thought we were weird. We thought it was great. We loved ringing that bell and watching them groan with each ring and figure out whose turn it was to serve us.
For this Valentine’s Day, I confused Randy by baking lots of small heart cakes and told him where I was taking them. He didn’t know one was for him and another for our girls. One I took to San Francisco State for our son. The night before Valentine’s Day, we took two of the cakes and fruit salad to two friend’s home. Before Randy and I left, I quietly asked the girls to put on Kenny G with repeat disk mode, set the table with fancy valentine plates, napkins, silverware, his cake, fruit salad, and cider ready for when we return.
It was late when we arrived home. He was surprised to hear the music and came into the living room and saw the table set for two. He said “I’ve been had.” Out popped our daughters from their rooms, laughing. They watched us dance and I encouraged them to cut the cake and serve us. I forgot to bring out the dinner bell! They were embarrassed yet happy. Randy and I sat at the table and answered questions on cards about our favorite childhood memory, favorite vacations and so forth.
Later, my girls told me they sat on our bed and watched a movie on the lap – top. They kept getting up to add a detail to the table that they had forgotten. The two had a great time being a significant part of our valentine celebration.
Doing things like this for parents adds much needed security and foundation to our children’s lives. Plus, it gives them ideas for creative, romantic, and inexpensive fun dates.
My only regret is not doing this sooner and more often. But now the ball or no, the bell is in your court. It’s your turn!
Next Week’s Author: Laura Kuehn
What About Funerals?
November 24th, 2010
Author: Linda Wright
Linda is an African American woman and a graduate of UCB Psychology Department. She spent 7 years on the staff of Campus Crusade for Christ. She is the wife of one husband and mother of 3 teenagers, one son and two daughters. Linda is a storyteller, writer of children’s books and a guidance aid for children with the Second Step program for elementary schools.
When I was five years old, Mrs. Day died. When I arrived at my aunts house, my cousins told me that the angels had come early that morning and taken Mrs. Day to heaven. I was filled with wonder and kept looking up at the ceiling, hoping to catch a glimpse of them. Maybe they were still around. Every time I hear that one I love has died I think about those angels coming to take Mrs. Day.
How do we help our children say final goodbyes? Do we take them to funerals or leave them with a babysitter or at school? Every instinct inside of mothers says protect them from death, the ultimate evil. We want to avoid it, push it aside, and act like it doesn’t exist.
But how can we? Everyone who is conceived in the womb will face death, sooner or later. We train our children to use the potty, how to hold a spoon, to ride a bike, and say thank you. The profound aspects of life and death need to be on our check list too. How and when do we introduce them to grief, death, and the dying?
Look at nature. God put four seasons for us to enjoy: Summer, fall, winter and spring. Fall is glorious with wonderful colors and then the leaves die. I spent one winter in Ohio and I couldn’t understand why God would strip every tree and make their grey naked trunks and branches face months of storms and freezing temperatures. Yet unseen by curious eyes, deep down in the trees, life continued to flow. In the spring, bright fresh green leaves burst forth. Bulbs push through the frozen ground bursting with bright cheerful colors. How? What a mystery. Life is like the trees. Every day cannot be spring and summer, bright and beautiful. Fall and winter show greyness and coldness.
My husband’s family is huge. We attend a minimum of three funerals per year. Great grandparents, great uncles and aunts, second cousins, third cousins, and so forth. Then there are church members, neighbors, and friend’s family members.
With my first baby, we went to quiet hours, hospital rooms, and funerals. We walked to the front of the church or the mortuary and looked at the face of the one who is gone. I hoped this wouldn’t traumatize him but he seemed ok. We brought food to those who were grieving. Second and third baby came and we continued to do the same. They weren’t emotionally hurt either. As each one attended school, I only brought them out of school for funerals of those they love. But we talked about the experience. We respected the dead and gave encouragement to the living just by our quiet presence at their home, quiet hour or funeral.
Now they are teens. “Should children attend funerals?” I asked my seventeen-year- old. “Why not?” She replied. My fourteen-year-old said. “No. They are boring and loud.” Neither are concerned about it being scary or giving them nightmares. They make it seem normal.
I asked some parents. One replied, “If the child at the funeral is acting fearful, then I wouldn’t have them see the person lying in the casket.” Another, stricken, said she would only take them to a closed casket funeral.
Fear usually comes from parents or an older sibling having fun with the younger ones. When it comes to death, I don’t want my baggage to clutter their life.
Halloween, in my opinion, is the world’s way of trying to make sense of death and an evil spirit world. Parents parade their children by houses that sprout tomb stones, skeletons, and ghosts. But the fact that death awaits us all cannot be laughed away with costumes, candy, and haunted houses. Death is a part of life. It will not go away.
Recently, my son’s high school classmate, 22 years old, died in a motorcycle crash. The families involved have strong relationships with our family. My son chose to leave college and come to the funeral. My oldest daughter went to a candle light ceremony, quiet hour and funeral. The mother of the young man and another father asked where was my little one. When we told our youngest daughter, she decided to attend the quiet hour. “Mom I’ve been to many quiet hours. It’s no problem.” She went and her presence encouraged the two families.
I do know of a family who sheltered their children from funerals. When those children became teenagers, they refused to attend the funeral of their aunt. That made the time difficult for the rest of the family.
Children need to be at the funerals of family members and those they love.. It puts closure on a relationship. Saying final goodbyes helps the grieving process. Being at the grave and throwing flowers over the casket and attending the funeral or memorial service all helps the healing process. Just like the trees in the middle of winter, a work is happening deep down in the soul of the living helping them through the season of death and winter.
Talk about heaven and what happens when a believer dies. The soul is not in the body. The body is but a shell of the person’s personality. Teach our children to celebrate life, whether the person lived a long time or a very short time. Encourage them to listen to the stories about the person. Notice the mixture of joy and sadness, laughter and tears. Our calm presence means a lot to those who grieve. Be intentional. Teach truth.
Next Week’s Author: Lynn Winters
A Bridal Shower
July 29th, 2010
Author: Linda Wright (Linda is an African American woman and a graduate of UCB Psychology Department. She spent 7 years on the staff of Campus Crusade for Christ. She is the wife of one husband and mother of 3 teenagers, one son and two daughters. Linda is a storyteller, writer of children’s books and a guidance aid for children with the Second Step program for elementary schools.)
The last wedding reception my daughter and I attended was shocking. The groomsmen and bridesmaids stood up in front of the newly married couple’s family and friends and revealed secrets about the couple and themselves. Stories of living together, breaking up, and chasing one another around the country, poured from their lips. They shared stories on what a woman has to do to get her man. One man wondered if he should marry his girlfriend who was in the room and pregnant with his second child. I looked at her. She was smiling and agreeing, listening to it all.
Most of our family members who seem cool to our children lived with their boy or girl friend before marriage. Everybody is doing it. It’s up front and in our face. This is our culture today.
Screech, Halt, Stop! Recently, one niece openly told the family she and her boyfriend are getting married and they are waiting until marriage to give themselves to each other. Finally! A young couple doing it God’s way! It is so rare in our experience.
The invitation comes for the Bridal Shower. Do I take my now 16 year old? Oh, yes, indeed. She says I’m forcing her to go when she would rather join her friends at the beach. Is this parental bullying? Perhaps. Nothing is interfering with this wonderful, rare, opportunity to celebrate God’s way of putting relationships together. Something big and serious almost did interfere, but I took her anyway. Two hours after the shower, something else occurred to steal our joy, but the message of the Bridal Shower was not overshadowed by the two events.
A few days before the shower, I bought Christian “How to” books on making love from the Christian book store and a black sexy outfit form the mall. I wanted to watch two faces when my niece opened her present – my niece and my daughter. What an opportunity to blow her mind that her mom actually knows about this stuff and bought this for someone else,(kids think the weirdest things about their parent’s knowledge on making love), and to let her know that this is when you let loose and have fun. And we had a lot of fun.
My niece ministered to every guest about the Lord and this man she was about to marry. I felt satisfied. What a great first Bridal shower for my daughter to attend. My daughter and I had a long discussion on the ride home.
My son is an usher in the wedding. He’s invited to the rehearsal and to the dinner. To make sure he’s there, I’m going too. His last job called him six weeks ago too for a short stint of work. Guess who called today? When do they want him to work? Of course, on the day of the wedding rehearsal. How much money would he make? $100! Am I being a parent bully? Perhaps. He needs to hear this couple’s testimony more than making money.
Marriage is holy and sacred. Marriage is good. God brought Eve to Adam who said “Wow! This is bone of my bone.” God watched the love and excitement blossom when Adam saw Eve for the first time. Adam’s own loneliness, heightened by observing each animal with a mate as he named species of animals, was washed away when he laid eyes on the beautiful Eve and realized that he finally had a mate fashioned by the Lord Himself. Yes, ladies, we were fashioned. God took time making our curves. (Genesis, chapter two) That makes me go “Wow!”, meditating on how God made woman.
Pray now for a wonderful opportunity to take your teen daughter to a bridal shower for a couple who are living according to God’s wonderful plan of courtship. Go ahead, invite yourselves to one if you hear of a couple who love the Lord and who are waiting for marriage. There truly is a famine in the land.
Next Week’s Author: Jennifer Patchin
A Graduation Gift
May 14th, 2010
Author: Linda Wright Linda, an African American graduate of UCB Psychology Dept., spent seven years on the staff of Campus Crusade for Christ. Linda is a married mother of three teens, a storyteller, a writer of children’s books and a guidance counselor with the second step social program for elementary schools.
What do you say to the lovely young lady who is preparing to graduate from high school and attend college? Whether she lives at home or on campus, what advice can you give? The following is an excerpt I sent to a friend for her daughter’s Wisdom Book.
If we were sitting down at your favorite restaurant, (not fast food please), I would listen to you talk of your childhood, your love for the Lord and your future plans. I would dream with you as if your dreams were my dreams.
At some point I would tell you about a special moment I had in 6th grade. Three of my classmates and I stood talking about marriage and they each knew they would be divorced. But they looked up at me (I’m always the tall one) “Linda, you won’t be divorced and you’ll have nice children.” A warmth hit me – it was a holy moment. I knew God spoke to me through them. Yes, this was God’s plan for me.
God gave me wisdom and a sense of purpose. I noticed the heartache, abuse and broken relationships of many. God, what do you have for me? What do I say to persistent young men? I knew the Lord had more for me than broken relationships and illegitimate children. I wasn’t even born again yet I had a sense of God’s hand on my life.
One line that came in handy was, “I’m waiting until I’m 21. I want to be free, not caught up in tangles.” By the time I was 21, I came up with a new line!
In college, my friends and I came up with some guidelines for dating:
- Meet the guy in the daytime and provide my own transportation.
- Only drive with someone I really trusted.
I was glad for that one. I walked to meet a young man for lunch. After I shared my testimony (I was a believer by then), he commented, “We’ll just have to see how religious you are.” Warning bells clanged so loud in my spirit I knew I wasn’t going to go out with him again. If it was night and in his car, anything could have happened.
Each semester I asked God to give me a few fun dates with Christian students and He did. Sometimes it was in groups. Christian retreats, conferences and summer projects with Campus Crusade for Christ were loads of fun.
I read Elizabeth Elliot’s book Mark of a Man. That book made a powerful impact on me and my outlook on men. Can I trust God to bring me a believer? Do I marry the first believer who comes along and says he loves me?
My roommate and I thought of more principles for relationship so we could grasp what we felt God wanted for us.
-Does he have one love on one burner and another one on the back burner? He has to be crazy about me.
-Spiritually are we on the same page?
-Friends don’t kiss and hold hands.
-Listen to your friends and family. How do they feel about him?
-Is he on good terms with his Mama? This key relationship determines how he will treat you as his wife.
The longer kissing and holding hands is delayed in a relationship, the deeper the communication and the roots develop. Too close too soon makes the relationship spin out of control, shallow, takes away reasoning, harms communication and creates unhealthy boundaries. It sets the ground for jealousy and mistrust.
A few months after I read that book I met Randy and other men. Slowly and carefully Randy and I built our friendship. (I lived in New York and He was in California). At the same time, another friend had me on the front burner and another girl on the back burner. He was a missionary in China and I was in New York. When he returned home, he assured me he only wanted to work on his feelings for me. I released him from our relationship. I wanted a one woman man, not a confused one. I kept my dignity and boundaries. Eventually they got married. My friends had negative things to say about that young man being paired with me but only good about Randy. There I was with two African American men who loved the Lord and both were interested in me! Actually there was one other Christian man too. But God made it very clear.
The best gift you give your children is a good marriage. Today, I work with children. Many come from divorced families. It’s hard having two houses, moving around, and wondering about the uncertainty of their parents dating relationships. These children are really hurting and need counseling to help them cope with their pain.
When you’re away at college, you’ll meet many who are from divorced homes, who have been abused, touched in the wrong way, or free with their bodies. You’ve been sheltered. I was too. You’ll be amazed at the stories you’ll hear. Listen with compassion. Encourage them to get help and know where you stand. Stick to your boundaries. Be thankful for your parents and their commitment to you.
What are your principles? Values? Boundaries? What do you really want when you become a mother? Think through these things, pray and stay true to yourself. No one else but you can do this. The decisions you make from now until you’re 25 will stay with you until you’re old and gray.
There are many cults trying to steal away vulnerable freshmen. They teach girls must only wear dresses, no jewelry or makeup. Others will say you can’t be sick or you have no faith and therefore not saved. Others say have sex and use no birth control then it’s unplanned and forgivable. Another teaches that you must be re-baptized in the name of Jesus only, not in the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit. Stay away from these deadly and twisted teachings. Know what you’ve been taught. Talk to your parents or your pastor about the strange teachings you hear.
I expect to hear good things from you. Your parents are proud of you. You have a church praying for you and wanting you to be successful as a young lady. Go with God.
Love,
Linda Wright
Next week’s Author: Jennifer Patchin
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A Guilty Mom
February 17th, 2010
Author: Linda Wright
(Linda is an African American woman and a graduate of UCB Psychology Department. She spent 7 years on the staff of Campus Crusade for Christ. She is the wife of one husband and mother of 3 teenagers, one son and two daughters. Linda is a storyteller, writer of unpublished children’s books and a guidance aid for children with the Second Step program for elementary schools.)
What do you do when you’ve blown it as a mom? When guilt and shame tightly wraps around your trembling shoulders like a damp blanket of fog and creeps into the depth of your soul? It’s hard to shake it off. You feel tried, judged, and condemned by everyone but most deeply by self. I’ve been there. It hurts.
I should have realized something was wrong. How did I miss it? I already had two children ages three and five. At her two month check- up, my baby weighed less than at her birth weight of 6 pounds, 10 ounces. Now the doctor said she was 5 pounds and 10 ounces. How did a pound ease off her tiny body on my watch?
“Why I brought her in two weeks ago,” I protested. “The nurse practitioner said she was 8 pounds and 3 ounces. It’s impossible for her to drop from 8 pounds to 5 in two weeks! On that appointment, I had pointed out the hollows in her cheeks and chest and asked why her ribs clearly showed and the nurse practitioner said she looked perfectly fine to her.”
The Pediatrician quietly asked the nurse to bring in a bottle. I felt as if I was going to faint. As we talked the pediatrician gave my baby a bottle with 2 ounces of formula in it. It seemed she drank it empty in 2 seconds flat.
“I’m sorry Mrs. Wright, somehow the nurse practitioner made a big mistake. I think we got to your baby in time. Feed her 2 ounces every 2 hours around the clock. If you went home and pumped your milk you’ll get very little. Come back every two days for her weight to be checked.
I was devastated. I felt personally attacked in the core of my being – the very center of my womanhood and my ability to care for an infant. I burned with guilt and shame. Yet deep down inside of me I still wanted to nurse. I talked to the Pediatrician and to lactation consultants. I had heard that women, who never had been pregnant, can develop a limited milk supply for their adopted infants by using a rented hospital pump every 2 hours for a month.
Encouraged with this information, and armed with determination, I rented a hospital pump and used a supplemental nursing system (SNS) and formula to feed her. (Actually, the hospital paid for everything because it was one of their employees who weighed her wrong.) The doctor’s words were true. I had less than a teaspoon of milk after that first session with the pump. How could she survive on so little?
A SNS was a strange looking device that Moms hang around their neck and fill with formula or mother’s milk. Two tiny tubes taped to the breasts helps the baby nurse and keeps a steady flow of milk dripping into the corner of the baby’s mouth. It helps the infant stay interested in nursing at the same time making it simple to feed.
I loved and I hated that SNS. After three long days and nights, I was able to slow down the frequency of feedings, especially at night. My milk supply returned to normal after two weeks of pumping, but it took until she was 6 months old before she nursed without the SNS. I continued to use the pump because her sucking wasn’t strong enough to keep up my milk supply. It was a lot of work but it was so worth it. Every three hours, from 6 am to 9 pm, I pumped my milk. At night, it was the bottle. Thank God for bottles. Those feedings only took five minutes. Nursing took a good 20 minutes with that little girl.
My husband was a great encouragement to me. He never blamed me or acted like it was my problem. We were in this together. He took great care of our other two children. By this time our oldest was in kindergarten.
Daily, I meditated on verses in the Bible that talked about nursing. They became dear to my heart. Isaiah 66: 7-14 was my favorite, especially verse 11 – “That you may nurse and be satisfied with her comforting breasts, that you may suck and be delighted with her bountiful bosom.”
It did come to pass. At six months of age, my baby was able to nurse without the help of the SNS and bottles. She thrived and grew. She had academic problems from kindergarten through second grade that might have been due to her loss of weight and nutrition, but with help from the school’s resource center, good teachers, tutoring from Kumon Learning Center, and a well researched nutritional supplement, her academic achievements began to blossom in third grade. She also struggled with allergy problems and painful ears on airplanes. Even though she was hungry when she lost weight she was also happy. We called her the “happy to starve child”.
One La Leche League lactation consultant gave me a possible answer to our problem. Once she had one client with 6 children. Her first three nursed right after birth, but the rest had problems. After the fourth one had trouble nursing, she brought her SNS to the hospital for the last two births and used the hospital pump and the SNS for four months. She knew her last two babies would need the SNS right after birth. Her first three children had stretched her nipples until they were too large for newborns to latch onto. I received great comfort from this information.
Now I have compassion and real empathy for women who feel they have blown it with caring for their child. I understand their real feelings of remorse and pain. I am able to talk to them about overcoming their icky feelings. Jesus’ blood, shed on the cross, covers all our guilt and shame. He sets us free! In Romans 8: 1, I read “therefore there is now no condemnation for (Linda) who is in Christ Jesus.” It’s as if He said “I don’t condemn you, don’t condemn yourself. I have a purpose in all of this.”
Three and a half years later, I unpacked the SNS to let a friend borrow it. Her baby had an ear infection and didn’t want to nurse. But the SNS made nursing easy for screaming son. At age 3, my toddler saw me with it and said “that helped me get Nana.” She hadn’t seen it since she was 6 months old!
The following is a poem I wrote about my three children. Nana was our private nursing term.
Who Do I Nurse Next?
Here’s Emmanuel
After five days he latches on
It’s Nana time!
Here’s Kenya
Two to nurse as if they were twins
It’s Tandem Nursing Time!
Here’s Emmanuel
He is much older now
It’s weaning time!
Here’s Baby number three soon to be
Mama is too sore
Wow! Kenya understands!
Here’s Mama – free
Not one clinging to me
It’s no Nana time!
Here’s Karis
She can’t nurse,
It’s training time!
Here’s lost weight
A missing pound
Shame and guilt came sneaking around.
Here’s SNS, lactation consultants,
Tubes, tape and hospital pumps for
Four long months
Here’s weight gain
She nurses on her own!
Once again, it’s Nana time
Here comes Cookie Monster,
Dolls, Beanie babies and many more.
Karis declares “They must have Nana first!”
Here is one lucky Mom
Who learned to nurse and wean
One, two, three, and all!
Next Week’s Author: Jennifer Patchin
Lasts
October 22nd, 2009
Do you remember the last day your child suckled at your breast? The last day you carried your growing son on your bent and aching back? The last time you felt your child give you a real tight hug that says “I luv you Mommy and I’ll never let you go”? The last time you styled your daughter’s soft and beautiful hair? The last blessing your daughter wanted you to give to her? The last time your child invited you to read a great book aloud before bed? How about the last time you woke in the night and heard the running footsteps of your son run faster than the “monsters” lurking in the dark places in the house and sighed as he dove into your bed and safely squeezed in between hubby and you? Or the last time your child listened with glistening eyes to your every word and believed every thing you said about God with no hard questions asked?
In Karen Kingsbury’s her children’s book, Let Me Hold You Longer and in her adult book, Rejoice, from the Redemption series, (page 209), Karen shared about celebrating our last days if only we knew they were last. “Would I have taken pictures…if I’d known they were the last? Would I have marked the moments… if I’d known they were the last? Would I have stretched the moments… if I’d known they were the last?…I wish I could’ve frozen time, to hold on to your lasts…”
We’ve had a lot of lasts in this house. Two teens and one living in a college dorm leave us with lasts coming fast. Time is precious and slipping away. I’ve found that writing in a journal, marking my children’s passage from one season to another, gives me some comfort. Putting videos onto DVD’s makes me feel like the past is present. Another comforting thought – knowing the distant future holds many possibilities for more first and last moments: Jobs, marriage and grand children. (Very far in the future I hope!). The most comforting thought is finding gratitude. Throughout the day, I find myself thanking God for little moments and beautiful thoughts.
During the fall, God gives us a glorious look at lasts. Trees turn beautiful colors and brilliant leaves fall to the ground. The sunlight that pours into the house at this time of year is like no other time. We look back to the long, hot days of summer and know that winter’s cold is coming.
What did God feel as he looked at His only Son and experienced Jesus’ last moments as a baby, a boy, a young man, a leader, a dying criminal suffering on the cross? Twice he thundered from the heavens, “This is My beloved Son, in whom I am well-pleased.” (Mt. 3:17 and 17:5). The first, God spoke at Jesus’ baptism and the second, during His transfiguration.
We know what Jesus felt during his last night as a natural man on earth. He wanted his last moments to be special. That night was filled with truth talks, servant leadership training, and the first communion for the disciples but the last for Jesus. His disciples didn’t believe this was their last night with their beloved Lord. After Jesus’ death and resurrection, the disciples were often overcome with the strangeness of Jesus appearing out of no where, knowing that he had died and now was alive, able to walk through locked doors, and eat real food.
Lasts are coming and have come. Seasons come and seasons go, never to return. Life is fragile. Most children grow up and move away. Life goes on. Death beats its drum. At some point, pre- determined by God, that drum beats the last moment for each person on earth. Some hear the drum beat earlier than others. With Jesus as our Lord and Savior, death can not hold us but living forever with Jesus will last. Eternity is the absolute last last. Living in eternity is the most glorious last. Celebrate lasts.
Jelly Belly Woes
August 3rd, 2009
That fateful day started with a nice field trip to the Jelly Belly Factory. My three children and two other boys behaved beautifully or so I thought. This was my second week of taking care of children while their mother was at work. On the way home, one of the boys asked my daughter, “Would you like a pair of earrings?” My ears perked up. What earrings was he talking about? I was driving and couldn’t turn my head, but my daughter sounded happy. “Where did you get those earrings from?” I inquired. “The Jelly Belly Factory” the boy answered. “When did you buy them?” I asked. “When you went to the rest room with the girls.” MMM. Maybe he did buy them or maybe he didn’t. This didn’t sound right. When I came out of the bathroom, he wasn’t waiting by the restroom but was in the store with a strange look on his face. “God, please make this plain to me,” I silently prayed. “Would you like a pencil” he asked my son. “That’s cool ” My son replied. “Where did you get the pencil from?” I inquired. “The Jelly Belly Factory. I bought them with the earrings.” Over the next few minutes, the seven year old gave away a few more items. I left the freeway and parked the car so I could deal with this. He had no receipt and no bag. I quietly talked to him “Nothing bad is going to happen. I face the same temptation quite a bit. Tell me the truth. Did you take these from the store?” My children protested. I persisted. “Yes,” he confessed. I sighed. “My policy – we must return what’s taken from the store.” We returned to the Jelly Belly factory and tramped back into the store. I found the manager and explained the situation. The boy turned over the loot The manager gently reprimanded the boy. At lunch, the boy had more items from the Jelly Belly to share. This time he said his mother came to the Jelly Belly factory a month ago and bought these things. He assured me he didn’t take them. My children agreed. They thought I was terrible not to believe him. I was determined. This time I took him to a private corner and had him empty all his pockets, take his coat off and turn his sleeves inside out. With my camera, I took a picture of fourteen items besides the ones we had already returned. He assured me there were no more. He looked relieved. “Lord, now what do I do? My children are against me. The boy is holding to his story. “ Of course we returned to the Jelly Belly Factory and my children kept protesting. “Mom, his mother gave them to him.” They believed him and not me. The manager was amazed to see us again. She said these items weren’t on sale a month ago. This was new inventory, never seen in the store before. The boy confessed. My kids looked shocked. I felt sick. I was relieved that my instincts were correct. The boy had lied. My mother used to say stealing and lying went hand in hand. She was right on the money. We returned to my home and I kept a good watch on him for the rest of the day. When his mother came to the door, he began to be a bit strange and I put him on my lap and rocked him until he calmed down. His mother didn’t have much to say. I said this was the last day. You must find another care-taker. Frequently, our family discussed what had happened. I prayed for my son. These boys were in his class at school. I couldn’t separate them. I was concerned for what he would do with what had happened. Over the next few months, I began to notice that my son always had something in his hands he needed to return before we left the store. Next time he waited until the parking lot before he told me he had an item in his hand Each time, I made sure he apologized to the clerk when he returned it. Often I talked to him about his conscience and the importance of keeping it clear. It was a precious gift given to us by God. The Holy Spirit is the one who lets us know when we are right or wrong. We must listen to him. Jiminy Cricket in the movie Pinnochio represented Pinnochio’s conscience. That connection helped him understand the importance of keeping his conscience clear. After many incidence I asked him if he was thinking a lot about what happened at the Jelly Belly Factory. He said yes. I thought so because every time we went shopping you came out of the store with something. He nodded his head yes. The next time this happens, there would be a certain consequence. Discussion and returning the item to the clerk wasn’t enough of a deterrent. Sure enough, at Macy’s I tried on some jewelry. There was one piece of jewelry missing. Where was it? My son confessed it was at the bottom of the stroller. I was filled with grief and calmness. My duty was sure. This behavior must stop, NOW. At home we went to his room. “Never discipline in anger,” rang in my ear, “for the anger of man does not accomplish the righteousness of God.” The consequence was definite. The pain he felt was cleansing. He never had to apologize to a clerk again because he decided stealing was not for him. Afterwards, I trusted him to do the right thing inside stores. A bit of pain administered calmly, slowly and well placed goes swiftly to the core of the child. The goal of discipline is to reach a child’s heart and for them to respond with humility and experience, cleansing from the encounter. Yelling, name calling, anger, abuse, and shaming deeply hurt a child. I found that a couple of well placed swats on a hand with a wooden spoon accomplish healthy behaviors. A few children are wired differently and any discipline leaves them and their parent in a worse state of mind – wrath, fury and anger rather than humility. In that case a good talk with the child’s pediatrician should help. Doctors have lots of good resources. There wasn’t much I could do for the boy who stole from the Jelly Belly factory. I talked with him and reasoned. But his mother’s consequence was time out in his room. He really needed therapy with a psychologist. Seven years old was too young for such a defined habit of stealing and lying. After that, I never returned to child-care as a viable part time job. Once was enough.
