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SUPER 8 AND ACCEPTANCE

February 3rd, 2012

I grew up watching Steven Spielberg movies, and a few weeks ago my wife and I sat down with my mom and my dad to watch Super 8. But what does a monster movie have to do with discipling children? Allow me to explain. [WARNING: movie spoilers ahead!] The story centers around a group of friends filming a zombie movie. The hero of the story is a middle school boy named Joe Lamb, who loses his beloved mother in a work accident at the beginning of the film and is left to live with his father, the town sheriff who is distant and unable to relate to his son. While filming their movie, the friends witness a train crash that releases a subterranean alien who had crash-landed on Earth and was then held hostage and subjected to years of cruel testing by the government (sorry, there’s the whole movie!).

As the movie moves towards its climax, the subterranean alien, who can also share thoughts with people that he touches, begins wreaking havoc on the town, creating a series of underground tunnels and seeking vengeance on the people who kept him imprisoned. In the midst of this we see this picture of Joe: a boy who, in spite of the traumatic loss of his mother, is at peace and brave. He begins to take an interest in Alice, the daughter of the town drunk, who is also misunderstood. In a significant scene, Alice and Joe are watching home movies of Joe’s mother, and he says these words: “She used to look at me… this way, like really look… and I just knew I was there… that I existed.” Joe’s mother didn’t just look at him; she looked at him, understood him, made him feel like he was someone.

Fast forward to the climax of the movie: Alice has been taken by the monster into his underground cave, and Joe descends into the earth to rescue her, but in escaping he is picked up by comes face to face with the monster. This is the climax of the movie: the juxtaposition of a highly intelligent and extremely bitter and enraged extraterrestrial, and the middle school son of a single dad, who has had his share of tragedy. But in this moment of near-certain death, Joe is not afraid; instead, he says this: “Bad things happen. But you can still live.” In that moment, the movie’s tension is resolved: the alien is understood. And in that moment, the alien opens his eyes and looks at Joe, just as his mother did.

Why recount this film? Because to me, it demonstrates the power of acceptance and affirmation. In my interactions with my students, I feel that I am often guilty of looking at them but not seeing them, hearing them but not listening to them, being around them but not present to them. I found Joe’s description of his mother’s love so striking: “She used to look at me… this way, like really look… and I just knew I was there… that I existed.” In our distraction-diseased and multitask-happy culture, I fear that our children suffer when the adults meant to care for them most look through them at best, and ignore them at worst. How many daughters I’ve seen looking for attention in the wrong places because they’ve been treated as though they don’t exist, how many sons trapped in laziness and unmotivation because of the lack of adults who acknowledged them, saw them, and affirmed them.

Here’s a question we must answer: do the children that we interact feel like we treat them as if they don’t matter? Do we acknowledge them in such a way that they feel listened to and understood? Do we turn off our phones and screens so that we can look at them, really look at them, and affirm that we love them at the essence of who they are? We have a God who looked at us and loved us, which he demonstrated in sending His Son – we ought to love others, and especially our children in the same way, because we have been called to love as we have been loved. Not only this, but to be acknowledged, known, and affirmed is to be loved. What needs to change for us to not just look at the children that God has called us to love, but to look at them? Only you and I can answer that question.

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ODYSSEY OF THE SPIRITUAL MIND, PART II

January 13th, 2012

Last month, I relayed one of the thoughts that came to mind as I sat in an all-day training course for Odyssey of the Mind, an organization that encourages students to develop creative thinking by tackling an open-ended problem. This is the second of my learnings.

“Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already arrived at my goal, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me.  Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.” (Philippians 3:12-14)

THE COMPETITION IS NOT THE GOAL. TRANSFORMATION IS. After the lunch break for our training, we broke up by problem – there are five different problems that kids could tackle, ranging from designing a vehicle that will navigate a course and display emotions, to a drama called “Odyssey Angels.” My group of guys had chosen to tackle the problem of building a structure out of tiny pieces of balsa wood ( the entire structure must weigh less than two nickels!), so I went to the fairly large group of people whose groups were tackling the same problem, and the instructor began to go into detail about how we encourage our students to tackle the problem.

One of the problems that invariably arises in every competition is the number of projects that were clearly NOT done by the students themselves. And when the judges ask, “Hey, who made this?”, the answer is often, “Well, my dad did.” Numerous groups show up every year with projects designed, constructed, and conceived by parents, not students. The instructor, lamenting this fact, then said this. “The goal of this organization is not to win a competition. It is to become a certain kind of person.”  This kind of thing goes against the spirit of the organization, because their goal is not to get kids to win a competition; it is to get them to think for themselves.

I think that we who desire to see our children grow into mature disciples of Jesus would do well to heed this lesson: when we emphasize performing over becoming, we trade long-term growth for short-term success. We live in a culture that equates performance with identity and worth: meeting goals, winning comptetitions, earning acclaim, beating out others to be the best. You don’t have to look far (the sidelines of a elementary-age soccer league game, or the stands of a little league baseball game) to see that we as adults are sending this message, whether we realize it or not: winning is what matters. I fight against this tendency in my youth ministry: I could (and often do) fall into thinking that if I could just get a bunch of kids here, and get them to jump through my behavioral hoops, then I will be “winning.” Unfortunately, what research is showing is that youth ministries are being very “successful” in that regard, yet are failing in what really matters: making lifelong disciples. Kids are performing, but they’re not becoming.

I think that this is the question that we need to ask ourselves – is our focusing is growing our children performing or becoming? If we fall into the trap of emphasizing “the hoops”: a good GPA, a bunch of extracurriculars, a nice obedient exterior, perfect youth group attendance, we nurture a worldview in our children that prizes competition over transformation, prioritizes making adults happy over becoming the person God intends them to be. The accolades of competition do not last; transformation does. We need to ask ourselves this question: are my short-terms goals for my kids crippling them for a life of adult discipleship? Is their time so filled with performance that formation is taking a back seat? We gravitate toward short-term goals because they make us feel effective in the moment, and in truth (at least for me) they satisfy our own need to feel validated and effective. But the fruit that lasts is the fruit that takes the longest to grow; if this is the fruit that we hope and pray will be borne in the lives of our children, we must take the long view first, and allow our daily nurturing by informed by vision of them walking out a life with God for the long haul. Which view will we choose? Only we can answer that question.

QUESTIONS TO PONDER:

- What messages am I sending with the way I urge my child to spend their time: am I emphasizing performance or formation?

- Are my short-term goals for my child informed by the “long view” of a lifetime walking with God, or do they spring from my own insecurities, misconceptions, or fears?

- What can change practically this week in my interactions with my children to put the priority on formation, not performance?

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ODYSSEY OF THE SPIRITUAL MIND, PART I

December 16th, 2011

“Do not be conformed any longer to the patterns of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is; his good, pleasing, and perfect will.” (Romans 12:2)

Last month, the principal of our local middle school approached me and asked if would be interested in coaching an Odyssey of the Mind team. I had no idea what that was, but Mike assured me that it wouldn’t be too bad, and that it would be a good opportunity to be in the lives of some middle school students and be on campus, so I said yes!

Two weeks later, I was sitting in an ALL-DAY training, learning about how to be an Odyssey of the Mind coach. Basically, the program consists of a group of 4-7 students who choose one of five creative thinking problems, and then have about 3 months to come up with their own creative solution, which they then present at a regional competition with teams from the same age group who attempted to solve the same problem. These problems are all “open-ended,” which means that there is a lot of room for individual creativity. Sounds simple enough, right? Well, it’s not – if it was, you wouldn’t need an all-day training to do it! As I sat listening, I saw a number of connections between this program’s aim to stimulate creative thinking in children and our desire to see our children grow to spiritual maturity. Here is the first of two:

NO OUTSIDE ASSISTANCE: This was something that they stressed over and over again throughout the day – the team’s solution has to be solely their product of their own creative thinking; NO ONE else can do any of the work for them. Our problem has to do with building a structure out of balsa wood to hold as much weight as possible. The students can not ask a parent, a teacher, or a friend, or even ME about the best way to tackle this problem – they ask these people to help them with certain skills, but tackling the solution has to be completely their own work. As the coach, I am not there to do the thinking for them – I am there to ask the right questions to teach them to think for themselves.

When it comes to the question of growing in spiritual maturity, things are a little different – solutions to life’s problems don’t come solely from our creative thinking, but from the God who gives wisdom generously to all who ask (James 1:5). And as parents, Christian adults, and disciple-makers, we are called to provide “outside assistance;” to teach diligently about and talk of loving God with all of our heart, soul, and might with our children (Deuteronomy 6:4-8), and to exhort the older men and women to teach the younger (Titus 2:1-8), to give two examples.

But here’s the key: I believe that as our children enter adolescence during the middle school and high school years, the best kind of assistance we can give them is getting them to ask the right questions, which lead to answers that they own instead of secondhand faith. I think this is where the Odyssey can remind us of an important truth – the most important help we can give to our children in the adolescent years is teaching them how to think Christian-ly about all of life. In fact, our “helping” might be hurting if we are teaching our children in such a way that questions are not involved, because questions create ownership. I think that becoming skilled coaches who learn to ask the kind of questions that lead our children to take the truth that they know and apply it to life is vital.

For instance, maybe the subject of cheating comes up in conversation. On the one hand, we can say, “Cheating is a sin – don’t do it. EVER.” Maybe that will suffice for the moment, but that probably won’t stop them from cheating on their taxes in their 20s. On the other hand, we can say, “Hey, why don’t we read 1 Timothy 4:12 (or another scripture that has to do with integrity). What do you think this verse means in its context, and what do you think it might mean to you? Do you think some of this truth might apply to the subject we were talking about? How so?” In so doing, we are creating ownership – by asking the right questions that lead them to answers they own, we are preparing them for a lifetime of faith we when aren’t around to tell them what to think. This can be uncomfortable, as our children sometimes (maybe often, at first) don’t get to the answer we want as quickly as we’d like. But if we want to set them up for a lifetime of vibrant faith, we must guide them in such a way that they learn to handle the word of God personally and apply truth to life themselves.

I think that in this season of gift-giving, one of the most valuable gifts we can give as disciplers of our children is the gift of a mind renewed by Christ, formed by asking the right questions. Next time, I’ll share with you the other learning from my Odyssey of the Spiritual Mind experience. Until then, may you and I live in the tension of looking ahead to our children’s lives as lifelong followers of Jesus, and ask questions in such a way that they can live a lifetime of “testing and approving what God’s will is – his good, pleasing, and perfect will.”

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CONTENTMENT WEDNESDAY

November 30th, 2011



A week and a half ago, my sister-in-law gave birth to a BEAUTIFUL baby boy, and my wife and I were there to welcome him into the world. To be honest, I’m a little leery of holding newborn children – they seem so fragile and tiny that I am frankly afraid of doing something wrong. Not mention the fear of getting barfed on or having him cry his head off! But the day after his birth when I held him, I was surprised at how calm he was, how peaceful he looked. Why? Because he’d just been fed! The Psalmist uses this same picture to describe himself:

Psalm 131:1–2 (NIV): “1 My heart is not proud, Lord, my eyes are not haughty; I do not concern myself with great matters or things too wonderful for me. 2 But I have calmed and quieted myself, I am like a weaned child with its mother; like a weaned child I am content.“

The psalmist describes his soul, his person as being like a weaned child – satisfied, fulfilled, at peace, content. Isn’t that what we all want, and even more so desire for our children? But where does the food come from for our souls that makes us content?

In the book of Philippians, Paul makes a statement that is often quoted by us as followers of Jesus: “I can do all things through himwho gives me strength.” But what I think we sometimes overlook is the context for Paul’s amazing statement:

Philippians 4:11–13 (NIV) — “11 I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. 12 I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. 13 I can do all this through him who gives me strength.”

Referring the Philippian Church’s desire to give Paul an offering to help him with his material needs, Paul says that he has learned the secret of contentment. In the service of Jesus Christ, he has had times when he has had plenty, and there have been times when he has had next to nothing – and those times were many! Through all those circumstances, he says, he has learned how to be content in every situation – he is contented with “him who strengthens me,” Jesus Christ! No matter what his circumstances, whether has plenty or has nothing, he is contented with the riches of Jesus Christ – he is a “weaned child,” fed by the Bread of Life.

Here is the key: I don’t think contentment is something that can be taught and understood apart from modeling – seeing someone who is content and following their example. The question is this – do our children see in us examples of contentment? Do they see in our behavior, attitudes, conversations and priorities someone who is content in Christ, in whom are all treasures of wisdom and knowledge? Or do they see us lusting for more, whether it’s an iPad 2, a shiny new car, or whatever treasure it might be that threatens to steal your heart’s attention.

You don’t have to look further than the craziness of Black Friday and Cyber Monday to see that we live in a culture that is largely discontent – our lust for more is nearly insatiable, and I think that few would describe themselves as “weaned children!” Yet I think we would all readily acknowledge the truth of Jesus’ words, that “a man’s life does not consist in the abundance of things he possesses.” True joy comes from contentment, from the blessing of being provided with more than we could ever ask or imagine through Jesus Christ, not from our circumstances.

Do our children hear us complaining and grumbling that we aren’t able to take as exorbitant of a vacation as we’d like? Do they see us filling our garages and closets with more and more stuff, while what we give to those in need is a fraction in comparison? Do they see us consumed with anxiousness and worry about our standard of living? Are we absorbed with collecting the latest toys and gadgets? If we want our children to truly be able to say “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me,” we would do well to the of person who has learned to be content in every life circumstance, a person whom through trial can say, “The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord!” (Job 1:21) For our sake and the sake of our children, then, let us be like weaned newborns – content with an Heavenly Father who promises that if we seek Him first, he will take care of all our needs.

QUESTION: How am I modeling contentment as a parent, and how are we living a life of contentment as a family? What needs to change for that to become a reality?




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SINS OF OMISSION AND RESOURCE ROUNDUP

November 17th, 2011

1 Corinthians 15:10 (NIV) — “10 But by the grace of God I am what I am, and his grace to me was not without effect…”

First, I’d just like to say how privileged I feel to be invited to contribute to this blog – I begin my post with Paul’s words from the Book of 1 Corinthians, because they shape the core of my identity – it is by the grace of God that I am who I am. I am NOT a parent – I haven’t “been there and done that” when it comes to raising children. But I am a youth pastor, and more importantly I am someone who has been transformed by God’s grace… and that process is far from over! I have been walking beside middle school and high school students as a paid youth worker for over 7 years, and my hope is to share thoughts and resources with you to help you walk alongside your child as they enter the wild and crazy world that is adolescence. To God be the glory!

SINS OF OMISSION:

“If anyone, then, knows the good they ought to do and doesn’t do it, it is sin for them.” (James 4:17, NIV)

In these last two weeks, an unbelievable scandal has rocked the nation since it has come to light that Jerry Sandusky, the long-time defensive coordinator of the Penn State football team, has been accused of more than 40 counts of sexual abuse of children. This alone is unfathomable, but the most painful news to bear is that several people, most notably Joe Paterno,  head coach of the team for the last 46 years, had been notified years earlier by someone who had seen Sandusky committing one of his terrible acts, yet the police were never notified.

I do not bring up this story lightly, nor do I claim to know everything about what happened in this situation, as the truth of what really occured is still coming to light. And I have several friends who are faithful Penn State alum, so I do not tell this story to drag them through the mud. For years, Joe Paterno has been one of the most respected coaches in the nation, and he just recently became the winningest college head coach in history. He is a devoted family man, someone committed to the ideals of integrity, honesty, fair play, and “success with honor.” Yet in a moment, that legacy has been forever soiled. Why? Not because of anything that he did, but because of something he didn’t do.

Joe Paterno isn’t the only person to commit a sin of omission – we all do. We know the right things that we ought to do, and we don’t do them. Why? Because in our narrow field of vision, the cost is too high. Whether it’s our pride, or the consequences of a decision that we’ve made or someone else has, we are quick to rationalize silence and inaction, choosing to do nothing instead of the right “something.” In our discussions on sin with our children, we place most of our emphasis on not doing the wrong things. But do we place just as much of an emphasis on the sin of NOT doing something that you should? When our discussions on sin focus only on commission and not omission, we end up with children that might avoid doing all the wrong things, but do they do the right things?

As we disciple and walk alongside our children through the tough choices of life, we must teach them to avoid the wrong things; but we need to recognize that our character is truly defined, and our legacy and reputation built, by the times when we do the right thing, even when the cost is great. If you and I want our children to grow into young men and women of God, we must teach them that our character is defined by those moments when we do the right thing, regardless of the consequences they might endure. This is all the more important because of this reality: the painful consequences of doing the right thing now are dwarfed by the consequences of not doing it. We must impress upon our children the necessity of doing what’s right, no matter the cost – one day, their lives (and the lives of others) may depend on it.

KEY: Sin is not just about avoiding the wrong things; it is when we fail to do the right things.

QUESTION FOR DISCUSSION: How can you elevate your discussion of sin with your children to be just as much about resolving to do the right things as much as avoiding the wrong things?

 

A FEW RESOURCES:

SILENCE IS NOT GOLDEN: http://stickyfaith.org/articles/silence-is-not-golden. This is a GREAT article from the Fuller Youth Institute on the nuts and bolts of having faith conversations at home. They lay out the case for why those are critical, and then offer some practical steps for how those conversations can be had.

THERE’S AN APP FOR THAT: FIGHTER VERSES. If you or your child has an iPod, iPhone, or iPad device, this app is a GREAT way for you and your children to memorize the scriptures. It is actually one part of a whole project by the folks at Desiring God. It is a multiple-year plan for memorizing the scriptures, with a new one each week – you can read the verse, listen to it read out loud, listen to someone sing a song with the verse as the lyrics, set the verse as your device’s background, and much more. It has a the main collection of verses “the Fighter Verses,” along with a separate collection of “foundational verses” for children. I’ve been using this app to memorize the scriptures for the last two months, and I’ve been LOVING it. This could be a great tool for you to memorize scriptures together as a family, and spur on some family faith conversations to discuss what they mean and what the mean for you and your family. It’s worth the $2.99!

for His glory,

max

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