Posts by scottturansky:
Tasks, Problems, Conflict
April 30th, 2013
Author: Dr. Scott Turansky
One way to avoid emotional outbursts with our children is to understand the difference between tasks, problems, and conflict. Tasks are the normal things parents do each day. You get kids out of bed, make sure they’re dressed, provide breakfast, check that they have all the things they’ll need for the day, and get out the door. Then you’ll stop by the drug store to pick up the prescription and drop by the library to return the books on your way home. Tasks are the to-do list of a parent. They’re work but they’re expected. It’s part of the job.
Problems are different. They’re ob
stacles that get in the way of your goals. Your son is playing with his video game when he should be getting dressed. You can’t find the prescription you need and you’re missing a library book. Your daughter’s homework isn’t in her backpack again and she can’t find her other shoe. It’s not usually the tasks that create the tension in family life. It’s the problems that get in the way.
Conflict happens when we allow problems to escalate, typically through emotional intensity. Problems plus emotions can quickly lead to conflict.
Here’s an important rule: Don’t turn problems into conflict. Instead look for ways to turn problems into additional tasks by developing a plan to solve them.
Training children is a task, not a problem. The difference has to do with your expectations. If you’re surprised by your son’s resistance to instructions, then you’re liable to view it as a personal attack and escalate to conflict. But the reality is that your son’s resistance is an indication of a character weakness. It’s a problem. Part of your job as a parent is to train your child. Allow the problem of resistance to become a task of training. Develop a plan to challenge the poor character in your son and you now can approach the task of raising him using a calm, but firm manner. It’s just another one of the tasks of your job as a parent.
This parenting tip comes from the book, “The Christian Parenting Handbook” by Dr. Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, RN, BSN.
Next Week’s Author: Linda Wright
Tasks, Problems, and Conflict
October 10th, 2012
Article Title: Parents Can Minimize Conflict by Turning Problems Into Tasks
Author: Dr. Scott Turansky
Summary: If you want to avoid much of the emotional intensity of family life then you’ll need to understand the difference between tasks, problems, and conflict. Tasks are the normal things you do each day. Problems are different. They’re obstacles that get in the way of your goals. Conflict happens when problems are met with emotional intensity. In this article you’re learn how to turn problems into tasks instead of allowing them to turn the situation into a conflict.
Article Content
If you want to avoid much of the emotional intensity of family life then you’ll need to understand the difference between tasks, problems, and conflict.
Tasks are the normal things you do each day. You get kids out of bed, make sure they’re dressed, provide breakfast, check that they have all the things they’ll need for the day, and get out the door. Then you’ll stop by the drug store to pick up the prescription and drop by the library to return the books on your way home. Tasks are the to-do list of a parent. They are work but they are expected. It’s part of the job.
The business side of a family requires that food be purchased, prepared, eaten, put away, and all cleaned up. Clothes need to get washed, put in drawers, and then back on people. Driving to various appointments, tidying up rooms in the house, and fixing things that are broken are all part of the business of family life. Every task between the time you get up in the morning until the time you go to bed at night requires effort. It’s work. Those aren’t problems. They’re just tasks that need to get done. Furthermore, training children is a task, not a problem. The difference has to do with your expectations. If you’re surprised by your son’s resistance to instructions, then you’re liable to view it as a personal attack and escalate to conflict. But the reality is that your son’s resistance is an indication of a character weakness. Part of your job as a parent is to train your child. Develop a plan to challenge the poor character in your son and you now can approach the task of raising him using a calm, but firm approach. It’s just another one of the tasks of your job as a parent. Problems are different. They’re obstacles that get in the way of your goals. Your son is playing with his video game when he should be getting dressed. You can’t find the prescription you need and you’re missing a library book. Your daughter’s homework isn’t in her backpack again and she
can’t find her other shoe.
It’s not usually the tasks that create the tension in family life. It’s the problems that get in the way. At that moment, you as a parent have to make an important decision. Are you going to move the problems down to tasks or are you going to escalate them to conflict.
Rule #1: Don’t turn problems into conflict. Instead look for ways to turn problems into additional tasks by developing a plan to solve them. If more families would view problems as tasks instead of moving to conflict, then greater unity and more productivity would result. Unfortunately, many children and parents view problems and conflict as the same thing so most of the tasks of family life evolve into a battle. You’ll know that a problem is making an attempt to escalate into a conflict when you hear things like a hurtful sarcastic remark or an angry tone, or you see a disgusted look or a bad attitude, or simply see the intensity increasing between two or more people in a family.
Conflict happens when problems are met with emotional intensity. Mom yells at her son because he’s playing with the video game and rolls her eyes at her daughter and then sticks her neck out and points her finger as she angrily commands her daughter to look for her shoe and her homework. Mom has just raised the family threat level to red by turning the morning routine into an emotional experience.
Mom feels like she’s stuck in a common pattern. This isn’t a one-time problem. This seems to happen every morning. Furthermore, the problem isn’t limited to mornings. Things seem to get out of hand on a regular basis around her home. Mom doesn’t like the fact that she gets angry but she feels like that’s the only way to get her kids moving sometimes.
Part of the solution for Mom is to change the way she faces her day. If she’d move problems down to tasks instead of escalating them to conflict then she’d be much more at peace and she’d reduce the tension her family experiences.
Compare two families responding to problems in their morning routine. With family #1 problems are a recipe for disaster with yelling, dramatics, and tension flying around the room faster than anyone can manage. With family #2 parents and children work to find solutions to problems, minimizing the conflict as they proceed through the morning. The difference is a family that is committed to solving problems and reducing them to tasks instead of allowing them to escalate to conflict.
But what do you do when children escalate problems into conflict? In that moment it’s important for you, as the parent, to be on guard because you don’t have to follow that same path. When kids generate conflict it’s important for parents to recognize the problem and move it down to a task. If a child persists and refuses to work on the problem without emotion, it’s best for the child to settle down. Rarely is it productive to try to move forward to solve problems when emotional intensity is high.
One of the greatest thieves of family closeness is allowing problems to move into conflict instead of keeping them as tasks. When a family works together to solve problems they have a positive sense of accomplishment. On the other hand, conflict polarizes family members causing them to feel like opponents instead of teammates. Ephesians 4:2-3 says, “Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace.” Your family can experience
closeness together. That will happen as a result of intentional work in a number of areas but one of the most important ones has to do with your ability to turn problems into tasks.
Next Week’s Author: Jaime DeCarlo
Help Kids Choose Solutions
June 20th, 2012
Author Dr. Scott Turansky
When a child runs into a problem, often the most efficient solution at the time is for the parent to solve the problem. But that isn’t always what’s best for the child. When troubleshooting a problem with your son or daughter you may want to offer several alternatives by saying, “Let’s think of ways other people might solve this problem.” Depending on your child’s responsiveness at the moment, you may want to share the worst alternatives first. This gives the child the opportunity to reject some of the poorer suggestions before the good ones come. As you share each alternative, help your child anticipate the consequences. After sharing a possible solution ask, “What might happen if you do that?” or “I wonder if _____ might happen if you do that?” Anticipating consequences helps your child learn to think through each alternative carefully.
After you’ve given your suggestions, let your child solve the problem. After all, it is his or her problem. As much as possible, avoid solving problems for children that they can solve for themselves. When faced with available alternatives children may not want to make any choice. Life is hard. The possible solutions may all look bleak. You may ask, “What are you going to do now?” or “Which one of these choices seems like the best one for you?” Then allow the child to think about the situation. Once your children realize that the solution is up to them, they are more apt to take responsibility for choosing a response.
Keep in mind that sometimes children don’t want any of the available solutions and therefore resort to complaining. Complaining takes place in two ways along the process here. First, children bring us problems by complaining sometimes and then other times children complain because they don’t like any of the available alternatives. Complaining is focusing on a problem without acknowledging or taking responsibility for the solution. Complaining is unacceptable. Don’t take responsibility for a child’s problem when the child just wants to focus on the negative. Encourage your children toward solutions, but leave the responsibility in their hands.
This idea was taken from the CD series, “Eight Secrets to Highly Effective Parenting,” by Dr. Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, RN, BSN.
Next Week’s Author: Susan Arico
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Teach Kids to Add Energy to Family Life
January 19th, 2012
Author: Scott Turansky
Summary
Some children have the ability to suck the energy right out of family life. These children are demanding of your time, need a lot of correction, and seem to be magnets for conflict. They’re often emotionally explosive but almost always drain energy out of parents and other family members. The solution is to teach your children about honor. Honor contains the
idea of doing more than what’s expected. That means seeing what needs to be done and doing it, and solving problems instead of leaving them for others. In this article we’ll show you how to teach it to your kids in fun ways.
Article Content
Some children have the ability to suck the energy right out of family life. These children are demanding of your time, need a lot of correction, and seem to be magnets for conflict. They’re often emotionally explosive but almost always drain energy out of parents and other family members. Unfortunately then, these children develop a negative view of
themselves based on the high amount of negative feedback they receive.
One solution is to teach them to add energy back into family life. The term “honor” describes the process of thinking of others above yourself. Honor is important in a family. God commands honor to be practiced at home. Ephesians 6:2-3 says, “ ‘Honor your father and mother’—which is the first commandment with a promise— ‘that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth.’ “ Those verses teach that honor learned at home has ramifications for life. In fact, we would say that God has hidden within honor the secret ingredients people need to be successful.
Honor has rich meaning for parents and children. It can give direction in many of the frustrating moments you experience. In fact, every form of selfishness has an honor-based solution.
Honor means to treat people as special, do more than what’s expected, and have a good attitude. Feel free to use this definition or make up your own. The point is that honor changes the way that parents relate to their children, the way children relate to each other, and the way children relate to their parents. Obedience gets the job done, but honor addresses the way people relate in that process.
If Jack gets people riled up each afternoon before dinner, set an appointment with him at 4:00 pm for several days in a row and ask him to look for three things he can do to add to family life. He may decorate the dinner table, encourage his brother, or prepare something nice for Dad’s arrival home.
If Jack continually antagonizes his sister, you might tell him that he needs to think of three honoring things to do for her before he’s free to play. Remember, don’t tell him exactly what he needs to do. If you decide what Jack needs to do and tell him to do it, that’s obedience. When Jack chooses, that’s honor. Honor treats people as special and does more than what’s
expected. Jack needs to learn how to add energy to family life instead of taking it away.
Honor requires initiative by adding something extra or doing something that needs to be done. Many children wait for others to tell them to do something. Furthermore, it’s hard to teach kids to take initiative because the very act of telling them seems to take the initiative away. That’s why you may require your child to do something but not tell him what to do. You want to help him to start seeing a need or solving a problem for himself.
Honor also contains the idea of doing more than what’s expected. That means seeing what needs to be done and doing it, and solving problems instead of leaving them for others. One family had a sign in their kitchen that read:
If it’s broken, fix it.
If it’s empty, fill it up.
If it’s open, shut it.
If it’s out, put it away.
If it’s messy, clean it up.
If you can’t, then report it.
That’s honor.
Honor means that everyone contributes to family life. In fact, you may ask a child to go around the house and look for one job that needs to be done and do it, and then report back to you.
These kinds of discussions and exercises will help children think outside of their little box and discover that they have a responsibility to the family. They can contribute to family life by just seeing something that needs to be done and doing it.
People tend to take for granted those they’re closest to. It was Jesus who said, “Only in their own towns, among their relatives and in their own homes is a prophet without honor.” (Mark 6:4) The family can be a place where people take each other for granted. Learning honor is just the solution kids need. Hidden within honor are the secret ingredients that make
people more productive in relationships.
You’re already honoring your kids in a number of ways although you might not be using the term. Now you might say to your daughter, “I went shopping today and I bought your favorite ice cream. I just wanted to honor you.” Then later you can use the same word to describe how you’d like your daughter to treat you with a better attitude when you give her an
instruction.
One way parents can teach children honor is to include it in the instruction process. You might say to your child, “I’d like you to obey me by setting the table, then I want you to think of something extra to do to surprise me. That’s showing honor. You choose; it’s up to you. Report to me when you’re done and I’ll check your work.”
You can use the concept of honor in correction or when things are going well. You can use it when you teach your children about money, time, and other resources and you can teach it when conflict comes around. One way to teach honor is on special occasions when someone wins a contest or earns a certificate. You may show honor by giving that person a fancy place at the table or by decorating his or her bedroom door.
Honor is fun. It’s like oil in a machine. It gets work done with less friction and less heat. Every family needs honor. It’s great when things are going well and essential when family relationships are strained. Work on it whether your kids are preschoolers or teens. It’ll change the way your family relates.
Next Week’s Author: Jaime DeCarlo
Make Parenting Shifts
September 8th, 2011
A Child’s Development Requires Parenting Shifts
Summary:
Parenting is a growing experience. We must make adjustments in the way we parent to effectively relate to children as they grow and develop. Unfortunately, parents get ideas in their heads about what good parenting is and then they lack the flexibility necessary to be effective. Although a strategy may work well at one stage, it may be necessary to modify or even abandon it at another stage. Learn more about the need for parenting shifts in this article written from a faith-based perspective.
Article Content:
Much research has been done on the developmental stages of childhood. Babies learn to sit up, then crawl, and then walk. Kids have a greater ability to reason as they get older and logic makes sense as they move further into preadolescence. A logical implication of these developmental changes is that parents will need to make parenting shifts along the way. Some of those changes are minor or subtle; others are more significant. One mom said it this way, “Just when I thought I had it all figured out, my daughter changed and I feel like I have to
start all over again.”
Parenting is a growing experience. We must make adjustments in the way we parent to effectively relate to children as they grow and develop. Unfortunately, parents get ideas in their heads about what good parenting is and then they lack the flexibility necessary to be effective. Although a strategy may work well at one stage, it may be necessary to modify or even abandon it at another stage.
For instance, when that tiny infant comes home from the hospital, the baby quickly becomes the focus of attention. The infant sets the schedule for feedings and for sleeping. Often both parents have to adapt their lives around one small child. However, as your baby begins to grow and develop, you change too. You no longer jump for every cry. You begin to set limits on a mobile child and determine a meal schedule for a toddler. Infancy requires that the parent give up an agenda and respond quickly to a baby’s needs. As the child gets older, a parenting shift takes place and the parent requires that a child wait more and fit into a schedule and learn to consider the needs of others.
Some parents try to simplify their jobs by setting policies they think will last for years, apparently believing that one parenting principle fits all. One dad said about his one-month-old son, “I’m going to stop the teenage rebellion right here.” He proceeded to set some pretty strict rules about feeding and sleep times. That’s a sad misunderstanding.
Paul acknowledges a spiritual parenting shift in 1 Corinthians 3:1-2, “Brothers, I could not address you as spiritual but as worldly—mere infants in Christ. I gave you milk, not solid food, for you were not yet ready for it.” At each stage of development a child’s parents must make modifications in their approach. A young baby must have physical and emotional needs met continually in order to develop a sense of security and to view the world as a safe place. As children grow to be toddlers or preschoolers, they need to develop two primary character qualities: responsiveness to authority and self-control. Elementary age children need opportunities to solve problems for themselves and a lot of teaching regarding relationships and how the world works. Teens need a completely different approach, carefully balancing firmness with extra dialogue as they develop their own value systems and decide who they’re going to be as adults.
Considering your child’s developmental level and making appropriate parenting shifts can make all the difference between a child who accepts your guidance and a child who resists your leadership. Don’t make the mistake that just because you allow your infant to eat on “demand” will mean that she’ll be demanding when she grows up. On the contrary, infancy
is a time to build trust and bonding and that often comes with fast response to their needs. Several stages of growth and maturity will take place between now and adolescence and you’ll have plenty of opportunity to make adjustments that affect patterns in their lives.
Another example of failure to make the shift takes place as a child becomes a toddler. When parents still treat a three-year-old as if he’s a three-month-old, then self-centeredness
increases and hampers interpersonal relationships. It’s not usually too long before parents realize the need to adjust and impose more limits. When parents are slow to make the needed parenting shifts at any age, then children often develop more dramatic symptoms to awaken parents to the need for change.
Often the signs of a need for a parenting shift are an increased friction and frustration in family dynamics. If family life isn’t working, there may be a number of causes that need attention. Most of the time it means that parents will have to change the way they work with their kids. The old methods of relating don’t work the same way anymore. In fact, they seem to cause problems instead. Sometimes the parenting shift is a result of developmental changes. Other times a different approach is needed because of a child’s personality or because of a growing character weakness.
As your children grow, be ready to grow with them and make the necessary changes to influence them effectively. Even the best of parents must make some changes in the way they parent as their children grow up. As children move into adolescence you’ll want to adjust many of the ways you relate. Although you may have been able to “control” young children, the key word for teenagers is “influence.” Firmness is still important, but more so now than ever you’re looking for ways to convince, persuade, and communicate the best way to live.
Change takes time, and your influence will produce the greatest results. Parenting is a complicated job with very few easy answers. The responsibility requires continual growth and
flexibility to work with the changing needs of your child. Furthermore, having multiple children requires that parents work on several levels all at the same time. Rarely does it work to treat all children the same because each of their needs is different.
Parents must be students in order to maximize their parenting. Your continued growth is essential. Studying God’s Word will give you rich insights into your children, and reading
parenting books and attending seminars will give you added tools to help your family. Be willing to make changes along the way and you’ll have the most success.
Excerpt shared from Dr. Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller’s most recent book Parenting Shifts: 50 Heart-Based Strategies to Keep You Growing in Your Parenting
Next Week’s Author: Tricia Hodges
Make Mealtimes Fun
May 4th, 2011
Dr. Scott Turansky is the co-founder of the National Center for Biblical Parenting. He has written 5 books on parentings and has three video training programs for parents. Scott loves to help parents understand a heart-based approach to parenting.
In many homes, dinnertime is the only time when the family actually gets together. This becomes more pronounced as children get older and schedules become more complicated. It’s unfortunate that many parents overemphasize manners or food choices or even use the table talk as a time to go over the offenses of the day or to further discipline children.
All of these things may be necessary or helpful at times but be careful not to develop a negative pattern. We say that more meals are ruined at the dinner table than at the stove. Instead, use mealtimes to share about the day. Talk about things you’ve learned and ask children to talk about their experiences. Children will learn valuable relationship skills like listening, asking questions, talking, and telling stories. Gentle reminders about listening, not interrupting, or letting someone else speak, can go a long way to teach children how to carry on conversations and enjoy others in the process.
Children learn from stories. As you share ways you’re growing or incidents that made an impression on your day, children apply them to their own lives. Laughing and being silly can add to a positive sense of family life. When appropriate, share how you have applied God’s Word in practical situations by the way you think or act. This helps children see that spirituality is not just a technique; it’s a lifestyle.
Some children make mealtimes a challenge. Hyperactivity or overly talkative youngsters can make civilized conversations difficult. Sibling conflict issues spill over into what might otherwise be pleasant conversations. Try to gently move things back on track. Redirect conversation and distract children by your enthusiasm and energy.
God promises us a special dinner at the end of this world. It’s called the Marriage Supper of the Lamb. It will be a feast to celebrate our relationship with Christ. You can be sure that that meal will be special time of enjoying relationships.
To learn more about building positive relationships and closeness in family life, read chapters 6 and 8 in the book, Parenting is Heart Work, by Dr. Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, RN, BSN.
Next Week’s Author: Jaime DeCarlo
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The Stop Rule
January 12th, 2011
Teasing and playing around can be amusing, but usually one person wants to stop before the other. Angry words and tears often bring an end to what started out as fun. Incorporating a “Stop Rule” in your family will help children, and parents for that matter, know when to quit.
The Stop Rule is simply this: When a child wants to be done with a teasing or tickling game, that child just says, “Stop” and the other child must stop the game. Even parents need to stop when a child doesn’t want to be teased anymore. In fact, a good way to teach this rule is for a parent to tickle a child and stop immediately when the child says, “Stop.”
Of course, to make this work, you as a parent need to be available to enforce the rule. When you hear one child say, “Stop,” watch and see if you’re needed to step in to enforce the rule.
One mom told us, “I thought this idea was too simple, but one day I was so frustrated, I decided to teach it to my children. They liked the idea…and it worked! Now it has become a regular part of our family life.”
The Stop Rule teaches children the value of their words. When someone is relentlessly teasing, your child will know that his or her personal boundaries are being violated and want to seek help. This is a helpful rule for creating boundaries in relationships between siblings or playmates and it teaches children adult solutions for solving their childhood problems.
For more on how to use rules to teach values to children, see the book “Home Improvement, The Parenting Book You Can Read to Your Kids,” by Dr. Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, RN, BSN.
Next Week’s Author: Jaime DeCarlo
Bad Attitudes Come in Three Areas
September 8th, 2010
Author: Scott Turansky
Dr. Scott Turansky is the co-founder of the National Center for Biblical Parenting. He has written 5 books on parentings and has three video training programs for parents. Scott loves to help parents understand a heart-based approach to parenting.
A bad attitude is a challenge to family life and frustrates many a parent. Furthermore, if children don’t learn how to deal with their attitude, they grow up to be adults with bad attitudes. One way to help children overcome a bad attitude is to take it apart and help them deal with it in smaller pieces.
Children are tempted to have a bad attitude in three prominent areas: when given an instruction, when corrected, and when given a “no” answer. One mom put a sign up in her kitchen listing those three areas with the heading, “Three opportunities for a good attitude.”
Take time to talk about attitude with your children. Discuss the importance and benefits of a good attitude. Help your children understand these three areas and even warn your child when one of them is coming. Coach your children to have a better response.
The next time your child demonstrates a bad attitude, don’t just point out the negative but teach how to respond rightly. When given an instruction, a child might say, “Okay Mom,” in a pleasant tone of voice. When corrected, it would be helpful to say, “I’m sorry.” When receiving a “no” answer, children might say to themselves, “Okay, maybe another time.”
A bad attitude is often a sign of an angry spirit and the groaning, rolled eyes, sarcasm, stomping feet, or disgusted look are all attempts to communicate dissatisfaction with the situation. Gently point out these bad habits and help your children to practice better responses. Be careful of your own harshness in the process and look for ways to break the problem down into manageable pieces.
For more practical ideas on developing honor in your family see our book, “Say Goodbye to Whining, Complaining, and Bad Attitudes, In You and Your Kids.”
Next Week’s Author: Jaime DeCarlo