My First Priority

Author: Kim Ashbaugh

Kim Ashbaugh is formerly an elementary school teacher and presently a homeschool mom of three daughters: Julianne, 16; Jamie, 13; and Jennie, 10. Her family has lived in Florida, California, and presently resides in Georgia. She loves chocolate, old movies, Jane Austen novels, and almost anything "old-fashioned." She appreciates modern technology but longs for the simpler days. Her highest priority after God is her husband and children, and after that she loves to minister to young moms.

This week, I celebrate 19 years of happily wedded bliss with my husband, Brian.
When I got married 19 years ago, I loved God and my husband and wanted to be a good wife and mother. Over the years, I have both matured and made mistakes. I have also learned from other couples' exampes...both good and bad. My husband and I have had seasons of both blessings and trials. One thing I have learned to keep a marriage (and thus, a family) together is to make it the first priority in your life. Some parents mistakenly think that once children come in to the picture, the children are their priority. They feel that life should revolve around their little darlings. Nothing could be further from the truth. Putting children first actually harms a marriage, and if a marriage crumbles, happiness and security for the children crumbles with it. I am not suggesting you neglect your children but that you show them that Mommy's and Daddy's relationship is very important, and they are a welcome extension of that relationship.
Now, I mentioned that God is my highest priority...but serving my husband is one way to serve God. (Genesis 2:18) I choose to put him above all other commitments in my life. That sounds good, but how to do it? Obviously I do not sit around all day, fanning my husband and feeding him grapes (wouldn't he like that!). The following are practical suggestions for making your spouse and marriage your number one human priority:
1...Make time for each other by following a routine. When my children were younger, we had them in bed by 8:00 each night. We spent some time bathing and reading to them, praying together, and then we turned out the light. By having an established routine, we usually avoided any problems with the girls getting out of bed or being fussy. (Notice I said "usually." Nothing works 100% of the time!)
2...Go to bed at the same time as your spouse. It's so tempting to stay up checking e-mail or watching tv, but you need that time together. When your children begin to enter the teen years and stay up later, bedtime may be the only chance you have to talk uninterrupted!
3...Date each other...the book of Song of Solomon in the Bible never mentions the couple shopping at Wal-mart together. Do something you would do if you were dating. (In fact, maybe you could read "Song of Solomon" together...there's an idea!) Note: Often, Brian and I have been short on cash and have had to be creative. We've traded child care with friends who had children of similar ages, or had the kids spend the night at Grandma and Grandpa's house. You could go on a picnic at a local park, ride bikes to the ice cream store, or split a milkshake at a fast-food restaurant. The point is spending time together...not necessarily spending a lot of money.
4...Ask you spouse if he needs anything done today...then make that thing your number one priority, whether it's picking something up at the store or getting that check in the mail. You will be showing him honor by making his wishes your priority. (Husbands can do the same thing...I know I would probably say, "Yes! You can take out this garbage!") Imagine the delight of a spouse who is the recipient of a good deed done without having to nag!
5...Realize your spouse is as imperfect as you are...and remember that some of the things that may drive you crazy are the very personality traits that attracted you to him or her. One thing I fell in love with about my husband was his laid-back personality. He could tolerate my more high-strung personality and not even get flustered. After we were married awhile, I got frustrated as his procrastinating when it came to making decisions. I realized that stemmed from his being a laid-back person, and that I actually like that character trait. He eventually makes the decision...especially when I step back and allow him the space he needs.
You are not always going to be able to "put each other first" in every situation. Obviously, a nursing mother needs to attend to her hungry baby and may not be able to do everything she's used to doing in a timely manner. A husband may have to work late as he provides for his family. Brian and I actually celebrated our anniversary a couple days early, because the Youth Group cookout was scheduled at our house on the actual day. The point is we celebrated it rather than skipping it. Making your spouse your number one human priority is more of a heart attitude towards God...knowing that staying together is His plan, you can feel confident about making your partner for life your "#1."

Confessions of a Codependent

Author: Jeanine Cook
Jeanine Cook has been happily married to her husband Jeremy for 17 yrs. They have three children Dylan 14, Jericho 9 ½ and Gentry 8. They live in Concord, CA and minister at Concord Bible Church where Jeremy has the privilege of serving as Senior Pastor while Jeanine serves on the women’s ministry team. She is a seamstress by trade but her greatest joy is being a child of God, a mother and a wife!

I am terribly co-dependent. Daily, from moment to moment, I am painfully aware of my inability to parent or discern a matter without the Spirit’s leading. I fail time and time again when I go with my gut or my perceptions. Even with 14+ yrs of parenting under my belt, I find myself misreading, misunderstanding and missing the mark when it comes to parenting my three beauties. Left to myself, I am prone to harsh responses, heavy handed judgments and incorrectly assessing heart intentions.

When faced with my shortcomings, I am swiftly brought to my knees as I face the ugly truth that I am a train wreck without my Lord’s wisdom and grace. I become speechless as I am now clearly exposed for who I am…who I am, what I am capable of WITHOUT the Spirit’s help. Now, on my knees, I am equipped to see, hear, and understand from the Lord the truth of the situation. More often than not He shows me that I didn’t ask enough questions before I spoke, even if I was an eye witness. I am reminded of the time I scolded my son for rudely changing the channel his sister was watching without asking her first only to have him reply, “But Mom, there was an inappropriate commercial showing!” . Or the time countless times I have judged heart intentions only to find that my child had done what was asked of them or that they weren’t the problem, they were solving the problem. Had I asked questions of them before assessing the situation I would have not erroneously disciplined them. If I had spoken to the Lord first I would have been reminded by Him to get the facts first.

I now find myself pleading with the Lord to save my children from me and to grace them with Him. I beg Him not to leave me to myself but to help me understand and be teachable, to extend grace and mercy. I am called to discipline, teach and train my children Proverbs 3, Proverbs19:18, Deuteronomy 11:18&19. At the same time I am reminded in Proverbs 3:5 to be teachable my-self, not to rely on my own understanding, but in all my ways to acknowledge the Lord. I need to talk things through with the Lord even in the moment. Verses 13-26 speak of the immeasurable value of wisdom. I need the Lord’s wisdom daily to be successful in every area of my life. Proverbs 16:21 says that “sweetness of speech increases persuasiveness.”. I want desperately for my children to be persuaded by my words to do as the Lord tells us to. It is for His glory and for their benefit if they do! Lastly, God wants me to obey too! Hebrews 11:10 “He disciplines us for our good, that we may share in His holiness. All discipline for the moment seems not to be joyful but sorrowful; yet to those who have been trained by it, afterwards it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness.”

I could easily become discouraged in my parenting if I focus on my faults and past failures. I need to do as Peter did and look at Jesus and what He can do, not look at the rough waters I am in. If my eyes are on the Father, my head is above the water. The Lord reminds me in Hebrews 13:20&21 that it is the Lord who “equips us” to do His will. He doesn’t call the equipped, He equips the called. We all need to be co-dependent…… on Him.

Next Week's Author: Kim Ashbaugh

And the Nominees Are....

Author: Kate Bayless

I’ve decided on my nominee for the Most Necessary Parenting Virtue contest and my vote goes to PATIENCE. Day in and day out, when I face struggles, frustrations and difficulties in my parenting, it can almost always be traced back to a lack of patience. I love my children dearly, but that love isn’t shown as clearly when I’ve lost my patience. My end goals for discipline and training are lost if I lose patience in the process and can’t outlast my three-year-old’s tantrum. My desire to develop an inquisitive learner is hampered when I run out of patience for my son’s endless collection of “Why?” questions. My attempts to teach a skill or value are unsuccessful if my patience runs thin.

One of the amazing things I have found about being a parent is how it gives me new eyes for how God views humanity, views me. I am that disobedient toddler. I am that trying teenager. I am that person who, were God a mortal being, would have long ago worn out the patience afforded me. And yet God is ever faithful, ever forgiving, ever patient. Time and time again.

In 1 Timothy 1:15-16, Paul says, “Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners—of whom I am the worst. But for that very reason I was shown mercy so that in me, the worst of sinners, Christ Jesus might display his unlimited patience as an example for those who would believe on him and receive eternal life” (NIV, emphasis mine).

Thinking of this verse reminds me of three things. First, it is humbling to remember that I am really in the same position as my three-year-old. There is someone’s patience that I am continually testing just as my son tests mine. Second, it causes gratitude to well in my heart that God has not run out of patience with me. Finally, it reminds that God has set the example, the standard before me – unlimited patience – and that the only way that I can hope to strive for that is with His help.

So how do you maintain your patience as a parent? What has been the biggest help as you strive to demonstrate unlimited patience with your children?

Next Week's Author: Tyler Robbins

Putting On/Putting Off Principle

Author: Jennifer Patchin

God has been teaching me a truth for several years now and I am reminded of it as I am studying the book of Ephesians. The New Testament is full of contrast of life with Christ and life without Christ. There is clearly an old nature and a new nature.(Eph.4:22-24) You were dead in sin, now made alive in Christ.(Eph.2:5) You were once in darkness but now you walk in light.(Eph.5:8) You walked according to the course of the world, now you are of God’s household.(Eph.2:2,19) You were without hope, now you have eternal hope in Christ Jesus.(Eph.2:12)

Ephesians 4:22-24 (NLT)
“Throw off your old evil nature and your former way of life, which is rotten through and through, full of lust and deception. Instead, there must be a spiritual renewal of your thoughts and attitudes. You must display a new nature because you are a new person created in God’s likeness-righteous, holy, and true.”

The problem is that many of us who have come to know Jesus as our savior and made him Lord of our life still struggle with living in that old nature. Friends, this should not be! But I struggle too. I have found that the key is not just putting off the old nature or trying to empty myself of familiar sins, but there is a necessary action step of replacement.

I for many years have struggled with my tongue. I struggle with being harsh and critical to my family. I have memorized many verses about the tongue and posted countless scriptures on my bathroom mirror and kitchen cupboards to remind me of what God says should come out of my mouth. These things help but and I would encourage others to do the same but to be honest the struggle remains the same. God has shown me that the problem is that I am emptying my mouth of the harsh, critical words and trying to stay silent. The familiar saying, “if you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all”. But the Bible is clear that we need to replace and not just empty. I need to put on the opposite- sweet speech!
“A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” Proverbs 15:1 “Pleasant words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones.” Proverbs 16:24
I need to practice saying words that are sweet and encouraging. I need to not only empty myself of my old nature but I need to put on the new nature. That is possible through the power of the Holy Spirit working in me and walking in obedience to what God requires of me. It takes practice. Sweet words like honey are not going to just gush out of my mouth because that is not natural for me. I have to set out to say positive things, to compliment, to make sure that I encouraged just as much if not more than I instructed. I need to write notes and express love with words. It takes work and a focus on training myself to live in my new nature.

So as purposeful parents we need to be teaching these truths to our children. I need to not just address the negative behavior or attitude of my children, but I need to help them see what God’s word says about that behavior or attitude and what God says to replace it with. If my child is struggling with having an ungrateful spirit I need to help him see that he needs to put on a thankful heart. When we see this attitude we address it as sin and point out what God’s word says but then we focus on the action, the new nature. We ask them to give an account of all they have to be thankful for in the day. Sometimes this could even be in writing or to keep an ongoing list of what they are thankful for.
Maybe my child is struggling with fear or worry. Then the focus becomes on God’s promises and that God is trustworthy. I need to help my child focus on verses that remind them of God’s presence and his purpose. Philippians 4:6 “Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.”
Often the things that I need to address with my children are the way they treat one another or their attitudes. A key verse we have memorized is Colossians 3:12,13 “As God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another.” There is a literal picture here of putting on these characteristics like clothing. Here is your action step. When we first memorized this verse, with each trait we pretended to put it on like a shirt or pants until we were fully dressed with the things that God says to put on. If you read the verses prior it lists all the things we are to put off. Another passage that addresses what we should put on in this manner is Ephesians 6:13-17 putting on the armor of God.
There are many scriptures that contrast old nature and new nature. A key verse we are focusing on with our children currently is Philippians 4:8 “Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable- if anything is excellent or praiseworthy think about such things.” It starts in the mind, what we think about will effect how we act or what we believe.
I would encourage you to prayerfully identify first in yourself and then in your children an area of sin that is hard to overcome. Then go to God’s word for wisdom and instruction to identify what does the new nature look like and what is the action step. Ask God to show you clearly in his word what tools he has given you to overcome this area of sin and then practice my friends at living in your new nature. God has given us everything we need to live for Him.

Next Week's Author: Liz

To Homeschool or Not to Homeschool?

Author: Melanie Robbins

"I will never homeschool." This is what I proclaimed to my husband three years ago. I was adamantly opposed to the idea for a number of reasons. When Tyler would mention homeschooling, I would convey to him in no uncertain terms that I would never do it. Well, we all know we should never say "never" to anything. I truly believe God softened my heart and helped me become open to the concept. Two years ago I considered it briefly, but concluded that I didn't have enough time to prepare and get ready. Because Nathan had a wonderful experience in kindergarten, I thought it would be good for Rachel to attend kindergarten at the local school as well.

This year, though, my dear friend mentioned a few months ago that she was seriously considering homeschooling next year. That got me thinking and praying about it again. I started researching and talking to as many people as I could about homeschooling. I asked my husband to pray about it too and shared with him all the research and information I had been gathering.

Even with all the praying and information I had gathered, I continued to wrestle with the idea. I saw and understood both the pros and cons of staying in the public school AND of homeschooling. "What is the right choice?" I asked myself. I didn't feel that there was a clear answer; I just wasn't sure what I should do. I decided not only to pray, but to fast as well because I truly wanted God's guidance. I recalled the very familiar verse: "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He shall direct your path." Proverb 3:5-6
It was midmorning of the day I was fasting and praying and I still had no clear direction. I met a friend and shared with her my dilemma. She suggested that I give over the decision to my husband, have him as head of the family make the decision for us. As soon as she uttered those words, I felt that was God directing me through her, helping me to know what to do. I felt an immediate peace knowing that was my answer.

When I told my husband what was the result of my fasting and praying, he felt honored that I trusted him to ultimately decide for our family. He had received all the input and research and based on that and prayer, he decided that we would try it next year!

There are a lot of reasons for and against homeschooling. Is there a "right" answer? Is the answer the same for every family, every child, every situation? I don't believe that there is one "right" answer for everyone. I do believe that if you are truly seeking God's guidance, wisdom and will, and if you turn it over to Him, He will "direct your path." He will give you an answer that is best for you, your family, and your children.

And so we will be embarking on a homeschooling adventure next year! Am I excited about homeschooling? Most definitely! Do I get nervous and overwhelmed about the idea sometimes? Most definitely! I know, though, that my desire was to do what God would have me to do for my children, and I am confident that this is where God is leading us for next year. I hold onto and believe wholeheartedly God's promises that we "can do all things through God who gives us strength." Philippians 4:13. and "in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28. These promises give me confidence as we move foward with our homeschooling endeavor!

As always, your thoughts, ideas, comments are appreciated and valued! Thoughts about homeschooling....do you feel strongly one way or another? Do you agree/disagree with what I shared above?

Next Week's Author: Jennifer Patchin

Guardians of Emotion

Author: Linda Wright
Our two-year-old son sat trapped in the bathtub. He was my prisoner. He listened to me rant and rave about his bad behavior. I was on a roll with my tongue. His little head was down and his hands softly played with the water.
“Is this how you plan to parent the son we gave you?”
The question came from nowhere. It had popped into my head. My spirit reacted with conviction. I looked up at the ceiling of the bathroom and whispered, “I am wrong Lord. Please forgive me for tearing my son apart with my words.”
While my son played in the bathroom, I knew I had a decision to make. I saw two roads before me. Did I want to return to my teen years and become the Queen of Sarcasm or one who spoke quietly? Did I want to trample on my children’s emotions or did I want to build them up to be what God planned them to be?
I whispered, “Lord, help me to parent your way.”
This led me on a quest to learn how to be the guardian of our children’s emotions. What I found became the vision for our family. “ Do not let any unwholesome word come out of your mouths but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen,” Ephesians 4:29. We memorized the verse and the following verses too. Every few years we looked up the meaning of the different words and talked about what each word meant. I would evaluate interactions based on this verse. Often I had to apologize for what I said.
One day, my son’s first grade teacher gave me a high compliment. She said he was the most emotionally mature child she has taught in years and that he wouldn’t have any problems with bullying or making good friends. I thanked God for making this passage real in our home. My son is a senior this year and she was right. He has sailed through the Benicia schools with never a problem and he has great friends. (If you hear any different, don’t tell me. Let me keep my paradise intact. Hopefully, the last two weeks of school will continue smoothly).
What are practical ways to use our tongue for good when we are in a tough situation? From some of the parenting books I read and conferences I attended, I gained some good advice. For example, driving in a car with three children has its challenges. Arguments abound and anger escalates. My first impulse – Keep driving, yell louder than them, throw my arm back and hope my hand comes into contact with flesh...
What I learned to do was to pull over and get quiet. If I had a book, I would read it. Gradually the noise stopped when they realized we weren’t at our destination and we were parked in a strange place.
“Mom, why did you stop here? Is the car broke?”
I loved this question. It meant I had their attention without saying a word. I quietly explained that I didn’t like how they were talking to each other. While they worked it out, I pretended to read.
Quickly they nicely finished their conversation and we continued our trip.
Several months later, when my husband was driving, the commotion began in the back seat. He talked loudly and they ignored him. I asked him to pull off the freeway. After my third request, he parked on a side street. By this time the kids immediately became quiet. They had been through this routine. My husband was amazed. After a few quiet words from him, we drove on and we had a nice time.
My mother taught my husband and me to respond to our children’s weird words with “I beg your pardon?” It seemed too simple. We gave it a try and it worked. With the question, raise your eyebrows and look puzzled. It made our children contemplate their words. They realized their own mistake and apologized. Parenting is a mixture of fast prayer, practical advice, and good acting.
At home, I often reacted with silence and a groan. A look often set them straight. Silence speaks loudly. When quiet, I spoke calmly, knowing that “the anger of man does not achieve the righteousness of God.” If I was angry this verse - James 1:20 calmed me down. I purposed never to discipline if I was angry. It was their heart and soul I wanted to reach in each encounter. Are their eyes soft with humility or hard with rebellion? Are they angry with me for the discipline or were they sorry for what they did? If they were angry, then our time wasn’t over with. I would come back again and again until I saw the softening. It was difficult yet rewarding.
Be a guardian of our children’s emotions. We only have them for one childhood. Our words speak life or death. Choose life each and every time.

Next Week's Author: Kate Bayless

A Different Way of Doing Things

Author: Wendy Clark

We have a kind of game we’ve played with our kids called “What could they have done differently?” or “What could we do differently?” It goes like this: something doesn’t go well, and we take a look at why and how things might have been different.
Here’s an example: one of my daughters came home from kindergarten upset. One of the other girls in her class had passed out birthday invitations for many other children, but she didn’t receive one. I said something like this: “That must have really hurt your feelings. Why do you think it felt so bad?” She responded that she had felt left out because so many other kids were invited.
I said that perhaps the girl couldn’t invite everyone, and if that was the case, “What could she have done differently?” My daughter suggested ways that the other girl might have been more careful in handing out the invitations, or given them before or after school, or even given them to parents. I made a point of explaining that our conversation wasn’t to tell the other girl what to do or to make her feel bad, but so that we would know what to do in the future, so that we would never make someone else feel left out.
Here’s another example: our family was sitting in a restaurant, receiving horrible service from a waitress who looked frazzled and who had several large parties in her station. We watched her move from table to table, where everyone seemed to be angry with her and she seemed overwhelmed. When we asked for something she forgot to bring, she snapped at us, and that made us all tense too. Later, we talked about reasons why she might have been having a hard day or a difficult time and what she could have done differently.
Together, our kids decided that if she forgot something, she should just be nice and apologize, and if she was having an especially hard time at work that day, she should nicely ask for some help from some of the other workers. Maybe someone else would have helped fill coffee or bring waters or other things people needed. We talked about how her sharp response made us feel tense, even though we were trying to be sympathetic to her, so just having a softer response could change the mood of the people she was serving. Proverbs 15:1 says, “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” We saw the second part of that demonstrated for us that day.
So when things don’t go well or exactly as you would have liked, teach your kids to ask, “What could we do differently?” The question promotes some great conversation and teaches your kids to think for themselves and to plan good behavior and responses in advance. My two oldest are teenagers now, and we laugh now because we find ourselves all saying together, “Okay, what could we do differently?”

Next Week's Author: Jennifer Patchin